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What is the Root Cause of Your Anxiety and Fear?

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This is part 2 in my series, “Focus on Reducing Anxiety and Fear.”

Part 1: The Cost of Obsessive Anxiety


“Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

—Norman Vincent Peale

Fear – like all emotions – gives us information. It can warn us, keep us safe and alert us to danger. It can help prevent disasters. It can empower us to take appropriate action to avoid a calamity or to correct behaviors.

Years ago, I was attacked in my home by an intruder. I was fortunate and came away unhurt. But it was a moment of real fear when confronted with a danger that was overpowering and very real.

“What if” Fears

However, we create fears that can be just as overpowering and overwhelming and can feel just as real, even if they aren’t. I call them the “what if” fears.

  • What if I lose my job?
  • What if my partner leaves me?
  • What if I can’t pay my mortgage?
  • What if I get really sick and can’t care for my child?
  • What if I don’t get this job?
  • What if they don’t like me?
  • What if I’m not good enough?
  • What if . . .?

Our list of “what if’s” can go on forever.

Negative Internal Dialogue

I’m sure you recognize some form of self-talk that resembles this. When times get really tough this kind of internal dialogue can become pervasive and dominate your thinking. While there may be indications that you might lose your job or you might not get a job, or people might not like you, there is just as much probability that you will keep your job or you will get that job, and people will like you.

However, when we fixate on what might happen in a negative way, we are on our way to creating that outcome. We begin to act according to how we think and put in motion the beginning of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

What ifs can become so real that we defend their existence against their opposite, which is thinking positively about what we are capable of doing.

We can’t resolve all problems, but we can choose practical ways to respond.

Creating Fear Dragons

When we become consumed by the panic of what might happen even when someone suggests something positive, we will go to great lengths to prove why they are wrong and we are right. When we do this, we create a “fear dragon” that constantly needs feeding.

Creating and Taming Fear Dragons | FocusWithMarlene.com

The problem with fear dragons is that we treat them as though they are real. They’re not. If we can create them, we can tame them and turn them into something positive that works for us.

If you recognize a fear dragon, here is what you can do:

Challenge every negative thought with a positive opposite. When we focus on the negative, we draw ourselves toward an outcome we do not want. Focus on the positive things you can do to bring about what you want to have happen.

For example: If you’re concerned about your job, worrying about whether you will lose it will keep you stressed, less focused, and less capable. Instead, think of ways to improve your work, your outlook, and your responses.

Focus on what you can do, not what you have no control over.

Remember, fear gives us valuable information we need to act. It tells us when we are in danger.  When our brain perceives danger, it immediately and automatically triggers the survival response, gearing up the body to either flee or fight. So, we need to pay attention to danger signals.

Make Stress Work For You by Marlene Anderson | focuswithmarlene.comRead more about factors that create stress in my book, Make Stress Work for You: 12 Steps to Understanding Stress and Turning it Into a Positive Force.

If you sense danger, stop and assess what is happening.

  • If you have a habit of thinking about everything that could go wrong, write them down. On paper, they seem less intimidating.
  • Then, list all the ways you might counteract or neutralize them in some positive way.

Fear is helpful to us when we stop, examine, analyze, or investigate. Fear is an important emotion that requires our attention. What will you do with it?

The Cost of Obsessive Anxiety

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During January, we focused on building confidence.

During February, we focused on where we want to go and ways to get there.

In March, we’ll focus on how to recognize and overcome pervasive anxiety.

“It is impossible to live without failing at something unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”

—J.K. Rowling

Constant anxiety not only keeps you from finding the answers you need but will eventually adversely affect your health.

When anxiety becomes relentless, we become obsessive worriers.

My mother was a worrier. My oldest sister was a worrier. I remember her telling me she couldn’t help it; she was just born that way. While we may have a tendency toward reacting certain ways, we are not a reluctant prisoner to those tendencies.

We all worry. Our worries may be financial, health or age-related. They may be restrictive, compulsive, and overwhelming. Some of our fears and anxieties have grown into huge giants that continue to exert their power over us.

We are often unaware of our worries. They just lurk on the edge of our awareness until something brings them into focus.

We can worry about many things at the same time. It is estimated that up to 95% of our worries and the stress it creates are the result of worrying about trivial rather than important things.

Why we worry

We often worry because we don’t take the time to clarify what we are anxious about. (In my book, Make Stress Work for You, I explain how to make stress work for you instead of against you.)

Are you a worrier?

Worriers are people who constantly focus on whatever is going wrong instead of recognizing problems and working to resolve them.

Nancy Loving Tubesing and Sandy Stewart Christian, editors of Structured Exercises in Stress Management, suggest the following exercise to determine whether our worries have any importance.

Write down all the things you are worrying about right now. How long have you been worrying about them?

On another piece of paper, make four columns.

  1. In column 1, list all the worries that are under your control.
  2. In column 2, list all the worries that are not under your control.
  3. In column 3, list all the worries that are important but are not in your control.
  4. In column 4, list all the worries that are important and are in your control.

Look at your lists and ask yourself:

  • What worries can I eliminate by taking action of some kind?
  • What benefits do I get from worrying?
  • Do I really want to hang onto my worries?
  • Which ones do I want to start working on by creating a plan of action?
  • Which ones do I need to let go of and hand over to God?

Worrying is good only if it motivates us to take action. Otherwise, it is a useless waste of energy.

When we feel in control of our lives, even an extremely anxiety-provoking situation may be seen as challenging rather than impossible or hopeless.

When we feel powerless, even the most trivial worry and concern becomes a giant.

It is important to examine the anxieties we have that don’t go away. Sometimes it is hard to define them – they just hang on. Often, these anxieties are accompanied with us thinking, “What if this happens of that happens? What will I do?”

If you struggle with continuous anxiety, do the exercise above. Once you clarify your worries, you can think of different ways to deal with them instead of wringing your hands and worrying about them.


Make Stress Work For You by Marlene Anderson | focuswithmarlene.comLearn more about factors that create stress in my book, Make Stress Work for You: 12 Steps to Understanding Stress and Turning it Into a Positive Force. When you purchase the ebook, you’ll also receive these bonus gifts:

  1. An audio recording of each chapter
  2. Companion Study Guide and Personal Application Workbook
  3. Thought-Belief Distortionsa guide to identify and change unsound and illogical thinking to thoughtful and discerning thinking.
  4. Problem-Solving Stepsquick tips on how to define a problem and generate, evaluate, and implement solutions.
  5. Letting Go – Taking Control, a tipsheet that describes the benefits you receive by letting go, focusing on the here and now, and believing that you can take charge of your life.
  6. Challenging Irrational Thinkingan exercise to help create awareness of your core beliefs and replace thought and belief distortions with more rational responses.

Become the Person You Were Meant to Be

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.


This is part 4 in my series, “Focus on Where You Want to Go.”

Part 1: What Do I Want to Do With The Rest of My Life?
Part 2: How to Replace Negative Self-Talk With Affirmations
Part 3: Take an Inventory of Your Routines and Habits 


As we move from one stage of development to another, we seldom take time to reflect and examine what we do and why we do it.

Yet, to become the person you were meant to be requires a thorough understanding of who you are.

Who am I?

As you begin to answer that question, you might find it difficult to come up with answers because you are used to identifying yourself by your role in life or by the job or work you do. This is natural.

But if you want to go a step further, you must ask more probing questions. This month on my blog and podcast, you have begun to explore questions such as:

  • What do I really like to do?
  • What am I passionate about?
  • What are my weaknesses?
  • What are my strengths?

You may be reticent about listing them. But until you have thoroughly evaluated who you are, you won’t accomplish what you want to do. To get that genuine evaluation, you need to be honest and forthright.

Be honest about how you spend your time, how that could be improved, and what truly is important to you.

As you acknowledge your accomplishments and your strengths, celebrate who you are.

This is an exercise just for you.

It is an opportunity to be honest with yourself, uncover some truths you may not like, and challenge behaviors that conflict with what you value and believe.

For example, when you evaluate your strengths, they may include:

  • Survivor
  • Tenacious
  • Determined
  • Compassionate
  • Loyal
  • Able to ask for help

Your weaknesses may include:

  • Find it difficult to be a good friend
  • Feel vulnerable about revealing too much of myself
  • Too quick to judge
  • Have a temper
  • Don’t listen
  • Suspicious

As you examine the things that are important to you, you become aware that you might be living a life that is contradictory to what you believe and value. This can create an enormous amount of stress and unrest.

Sometimes old scripts demand you act in ways that don’t seem genuine and honest with the person you are. Some of the questions may bring up painful memories of the past that have shaped you but have left you feeling worse about yourself.

This has been an ongoing exercise of discovery. You have examined what you have accomplished, what you want to accomplish, and what has been keeping you from becoming the person you want to be. You now know a little more about who you are and what you are capable of.

Write yourself a letter.

When you have had time to review last week’s inventory, write a letter to yourself.

Tell yourself what dreams you are still serious about and why.

Write a few sentences that define who you are and all you can be.

Brainstorm ideas about how you might complete some of your goals and what you need to begin the process.

Make a commitment to yourself.

Congratulate yourself.

Take an Inventory of Your Routines and Habits

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.


This is part 3 in my series, “Focus on Where You Want to Go.”

Part 1: What Do I Want to Do With The Rest of My Life?
Part 2: How to Replace Negative Self-Talk With Affirmations


During this series, you have been discovering more about yourself so you can make the changes you want and need. You can expand your thoughts about what you want to do with your life by taking an in-depth inventory.

Here we go:

For one week, write down the time of day and what you do during that time. Include times when you do frivolous things, such as playing games on your phone.

At the end of the week, do a review.

  1. What were your routines and habits? Are there habits that need replacing?
  2. How and when did you use your time most productively?
  3. What did you accomplish?
  4. What did you avoid doing?
  5. What did you do that you wish you hadn’t?

Is your to-do list overflowing?

“To do” things gradually accumulate and before we realize it, we are struggling to fit everything in.

Perhaps you agreed to teach a Sunday School class or volunteered at your child’s school, or couldn’t refuse to take on the responsibility for organizing this year’s office party. While these and many other things are important, reality demands that these be checked against an otherwise full calendar.

What can be eliminated from your calendar?

How can you replace unproductive habits?

  • Does it involve better time management, delegation, or cooperation from others?
  • Does it include designated recreation or downtime?

If you remain overloaded, something will suffer – you, your family, and/or your health.

Go back over the inventory you made and examine all the things you routinely do each week. Include work, family time, obligations, and extracurricular activities.

⭐ Put a star beside all those things that are necessary:  work, meals, chores, exercise, etc.

❓ Put a question mark beside all those things that may be seasonal or jobs that involve short periods of time. How important are these to you and your family? Which ones can be eliminated?

Sometimes we need to take a sharp scalpel approach to eliminate things that have value but are not absolutely necessary.

What’s left on your list?

Strikethrough all the things you can eliminate. Remember to inform others if your decision involves them.

It is okay to say “no,” not only when originally asked but later, when you continue doing something that isn’t right for you. Your responsibility is to you and your loved ones.

If any of the items on your list are work-related, consider sitting down with your employer or co-workers and discussing ways to modify or lighten your load. If that isn’t an option, reflect on ways you can become more efficient in your work habits.

Review your list one last time.

Ask yourself, “What do I need to do to make my life more productive?

  • Can I organize my time better?
  • Have I put daily routines in place that eliminate last-minute decisions and stress?
  • What can I delegate to others?
  • What chores can be shared?
  • Have I scheduled specific downtimes that I honor as highly as my work schedule?

When we are stressed and overworked, we are no good to anyone – even ourselves. Taking charge of our lives begins by putting the brakes on a life of constant upheaval and chaos and thoughtfully determining what we want and need.

How to Replace Negative Self-Talk With Affirmations

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.

This is part 2 in my series, “Focus on Where You Want to Go.”

Part 1: What Do I Want to Do With The Rest of My Life?


“You always fail.”

“You are too stupid to learn.”

“You will make a mess of anything you do.”

Negative messages repeated over and over make it difficult for us to believe in ourselves. We soon personalize them and repeat them in our self-talk:

I keep failing.

I can’t really trust myself.

I have to be careful, or others will find out just how inept I am.

I can’t risk being rejected again.

If others don’t believe in me, how can I believe in me?

When we look at ourselves through a negative lens every day, our thinking and beliefs become skewed, biased, and irrational. We cannot problem-solve because we believe there are no solutions.

We develop tunnel vision that sees things in only one way. We diminish anything positive and embellish all things negative. We screen out possibilities and alternative options. This soon becomes a vicious cycle, repeating itself, growing with intensity, and eventually becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How do we stop it?

Here is a strategy that replaces the cycle of “I can’t” with, “I will make mistakes but that is how I learn. I trust myself to learn.”

How to implement this strategy

Imagine you are holding a remote in your hand. When you hear yourself repeating negative thoughts over and over again, push the STOP button.

Then do a quick analysis of what triggered those negative thoughts. Is it something I need to attend to, take care of, or get more information to properly process?

You hold the remote control of how you choose to respond to life. Tell yourself you are in control – that you can discern real danger from imagined danger.

Because you are capable, you can consider every situation logically and calmly.

To help reduce constant negativity, challenge and alter negative emotional responses and change your ongoing self-talk.

Include affirmations

Affirmations are a way to replace old messages that hurt instead of help. They are positive statements that are stated in the present tense, as though they already exist. They are personal, simple, and realistic.

Repeat affirmations throughout the day. Write them down on sticky notes and place them around the house: bathroom, refrigerator, computer.

Carry them with you in your purse, place them on the car dashboard, etc.

Here are some examples of positive affirmations. Choose five to start.

  • I like myself unconditionally.
  • I am in charge of my life.
  • I am flexible and adjust well to change.
  • My mind is calm, and my breathing is relaxed and effortless.
  • I remain calm under pressure and stress.
  • I am responsible for all my responses to all people and events in life.
  • I can make wise choices.
  • I am prepared to meet all challenges.
  • I am happy and healthy.
  • My thoughts are positive and optimistic.

Next week, we will work further on taking an inventory of what we do and how it fits with what we want to do.

What Do I Want to Do With The Rest of My Life?

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.


During January, we focused on building confidence. This month, we’ll explore where we want to go and ways to get there. Today, we’ll do a quick evaluation of what we want.

 “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.”

—Aristotle

We live with so many “have-tos.” We have to get up in the morning and go to work. We have to take care of families. We have to keep track of our finances, so we don’t go so far into debt.

At the end of the day, we’re exhausted. Any wishful thinking about what we may want to do with the rest of our lives has vanished.

We can’t have everything, but it is critical to know what is most important.

  • If you woke up tomorrow morning and could do whatever you wanted, what would that be?
  • How would you feel? Does the thought of doing that thing motivate and excite you?
  • Is there a way you could accomplish that thing?

Now is the time.

Find some quiet space and consider what is important to you. Here are six questions you can ask to start the process.

  1. What is your passion? What could you spend all day doing without getting tired?
  2. What excites you? Can you see yourself working endlessly in this area?
  3. What gives you pleasure, energy, joy, contentment, and satisfaction?
  4. What would you like to accomplish before you die?
  5. If you could do anything you wanted to and didn’t have to worry about money, what would you be doing?
  6. What secret desire or dream have you never allowed yourself to explore?

Get a notebook and call it your life planning notebook. Start jotting down all the things you see yourself doing. Include all your hopes, dreams, and ideas, even if you think they are impossible to achieve.

Be expansive; don’t pre-judge them at this stage – just make a list as long as you can. Over the next several days, go back and add to the list.

Now go over your list and discard those that are old, unimportant fantasies and wishes.

It has been said we can do anything we want to do, but we can’t do everything.

Prioritize

We will need to pick and choose or prioritize. But regardless of your age, or monetary or physical restrictions, if it is important enough, you will find a way to make it happen.

  • List your strengths as well as your weaknesses.
  • List your past accomplishments. What helped you succeed?
  • Then look at the times you failed. What kept you from meeting your goal?

These become the starting point of reflection and serious contemplation of what you can do with the rest of your life.

Review your list once more and pray about it.

If God is an integral part of your life, you will know that He not only has a plan for you, but He will use your talents and abilities in the best way that will be a source of intense joy and satisfaction.

All aspirations require hard work and overcoming obstacles. They also require knowing yourself, accepting your strengths and weaknesses, and determination to be the best you can be.

Taking a risk can be scary. But it can also be the most important and exciting thing you have ever done.

Are You Living the Life You Want?

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.


This is part 5 in my series, “Focus on Building Confidence.”

Part 1: Focus on What You Can Do, Instead of What You Can’t

Part 2: Why Your Focus Matters 

Part 3: Are You Reaching Your Goals?

Part 4: Relaxation Exercise to Maximize Your Focus


When I was working through the loss of my husband, it became a time of both healing and discovery.

Similar to my experience, when you transition from what was to what is now, you’ll go through a period of reflection and creating a new identity. (See my book, Learning to Live Again in a New World).

But you don’t have to wait for a tragedy to pause and consider who you are, what is important, and what you are capable of. You can stop and reflect right now and ask, “Is this how I want to live my life?”

Have you identified what is truly important to you and are you living that life?
If not, what needs to change?
What do you need to learn about yourself before continuing on?

Much of life revolves around what is required to live, from getting a job to raising a family and then preparing for retirement. We become tougher over time through life’s challenges. We gain courage and a stick-to-itiveness we wouldn’t have without going through difficult times.

But we don’t have to wait for life to present opportunities to explore who we are, what we like or enjoy doing, or what hidden talents and abilities we may not have yet discovered. No matter what our age is, we can stop at any time and do some important self-evaluation.

So, ask yourself right now: Am I living the life I want to live?

I’m not talking about fancy homes, or cars, or elite lifestyles. I am talking about what, deep down, you realize is important to have contentment, satisfaction, and joy.

As you reflect, consider the following:

What do you like to do?

Think back over the years and explore times when you did things that gave you a sense of achievement, peace, fun, challenge – times when you could lose yourself in what you were doing.

It may be singing, traveling, gardening, reading, studying, working with people, painting, etc.

  • When was the last time you did this activity?
  • Is this something you can start now?

Do not allow age or other predetermined restrictions to keep you from considering this. Start small and work from there.

When were you the happiest?

Your first thought might be when you were first in love and being with that person and doing things together.

But other times can create a feeling of happiness. Can you identify some of them?

Maybe it was whenever you worked with others on a project or helped others, or accomplished a difficult goal.

  • Can you keep doing things that create this sense of achievement, happiness, and contentment?
  • Have you given yourself credit or praise for the times you tried as well as when you accomplished?

If we focus only on times when we failed without giving ourselves credit for attempting or simply trying one more time, we might begin to think we are no good at doing anything.

Make a list of all the things you can take credit for, no matter how minor or small they may seem. Examples: Being willing to try, stick-to-itiveness, knowing when to alter directions, self-discipline, finding joy even in tough times. Go over your list every day as you build confidence.

What do you dream about and hope for?

What have you always wanted to do but were even afraid to tell someone for fear they might laugh at you?

What is keeping you from exploring those hopes and dreams today?

President Bush skydived when he retired and made his last jump when he was 80. Age is not a barrier.

You have only one life to live.

Identify what is important to you and begin living it!

Relaxation Exercise to Maximize Your Focus

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.


This is part 4 in my series, “Focus on Building Confidence.”

Part 1: Focus on What You Can Do, Instead of What You Can’t

Part 2: Why Your Focus Matters 

Part 3: Are You Reaching Your Goals?

Last week you assessed how you would like to live the rest of your life – your passions and aspirations, and what would make you happy.

You identified the times when you completed a goal or objective and what you did to make that happen.

You also identified times when you didn’t succeed, and what kept you from achieving. Perhaps it was time management or a goal you didn’t thoroughly think through because you were unaware of the magnitude of obstacles you would have to overcome.

When you define what is important and how you want to live, you can find ways to make that happen.

Discover unhelpful patterns

This FOCUS exercise will help you evaluate what you do every day.

For one week, keep a record of what you do, from the time you get up to the time you go to bed. Don’t assess at first, just keep a record.

At the end of the week, go back and evaluate.

Look for patterns that aren’t helping you. For example, you play video games before fixing dinner, or you call someone instead of doing housework. Are these activities unconsciously keeping you from completing tasks you don’t enjoy doing but need to be done?

Over time, we create habits of avoidance and making excuses. How many necessary jobs and chores have you put off for tomorrow because you don’t enjoy doing them?

Until we can honestly appraise what we do and don’t do every day, we will find it difficult to make the goal that we want to complete.

Reduce the stress in your life

As our lives become more chaotic, we become more and more stressed. We stop focusing on what needs to be done or how to maximize our time.

We also add to our stress levels by how we interpret and replay what is happening. Our brain responds to words we continually focus on. Without realizing it, we are constantly streaming some kind of statements all day long. A lot of those statements are loaded with words of contention or resentment or failures, and the body immediately gears up in some way to respond to them.

Taking time-outs during the day can help reduce tension, relax the muscles, and return our focus to one that is productive.

Use relaxation to your advantage

Make Stress Work For You by Marlene Anderson | focuswithmarlene.comEarlier in my career, I studied the brain-body connection and ways to use relaxation and visualization to our advantage. It prompted me to record a CD, first for Kaiser Permanente (who I was working with at the time), and then later, as an ebook/audio MP3 for my readers:

Make Stress Work for You: 12 Steps to Understanding Stress and Turning it Into a Positive Force

It is difficult to learn how to relax on our own, and we usually try to “make” it happen instead of “allowing” it to happen.

The music that accompanies the script was composed by a good friend, Ron Jones, and recorded in his studio. The MP3 is both relaxing and instructive. As you listen and follow the instructions, you’ll discover where in your body you hold your tension and you’ll learn how to release tension.

A few minutes a day can do wonders.

Here is a summary of what you will get from my recording. Because you only have to listen, you can do a quick relaxation during the day in the privacy of your home or workspace.

Relaxation Exercise

DO NOT DO THIS WHILE DRIVING!

Once a day, or whenever possible, find a quiet time and space away from family or work, turn off your cell phone, and seat yourself in a comfortable chair, feet on the floor, hands in your lap.

Hang a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door. While this exercise can be done sitting up or lying down, it is more productive when sitting. When lying down, we often fall asleep.

One of the key elements of this exercise is breathing – breathing that is slow and even and originates in the diaphragm.

Breathe in through the nose, hold a second, and then slowly release the air through your mouth. You can put your hand on your stomach as you breathe in and out to see if you are breathing correctly. Remember, each breath during this exercise is done slowly and evenly.

Before you continue with the relaxation of your body, you may want to practice this slow, even breathing for a while. Practice breathing like this until it becomes normal and natural. You can take one-minute breaks from work and focus on breathing in and out.

The next phase of this exercise is to progressively relax the different parts of your body. You are seated comfortably in your chair, and you can close your eyes.

I like to start with the head and work my way down. The process goes like this: tighten the muscles, feel the tension, breathe into that spot and as you release the air, release the tension.

Begin with your head. Tighten the muscles around the eyes and forehead. Feel the tension. Take a deep calming breath, and as you let the air out, relax all the tense muscles. Continue down the face, tensing the jaw and cheek muscles, taking a breath, and then releasing the tension with the air.

Continue this relaxation sequence of “tense, breathe, and relax” for all the muscle groups in your neck, shoulders, back, arms and fingers, pelvic area, hips, legs, and feet.

As you do this, add the following phrases:

  • “Letting go”
  • “I am relaxing more and more”
  • “I am relaxing deeper and deeper”
  • “All my tension is melting away”

Use different phrases as you go through the relaxation exercise.

By pairing the tensing of muscles and relaxing breathing with words that tell your brain you are letting go of tension and stress, you are associating the words or phrases with the actions of the relaxation process.

When you have relaxed all the muscle groups in your body, take a moment and focus on relaxing your internal organs.

Before you get up and resume your activities, take a moment after opening your eyes to let your body energize again.

When you have done this exercise for a while, you will be able to relax your body anytime, anywhere by simply taking some slow, deep, even breaths, focusing on the areas where you are holding your tension, and telling yourself to let go. After a while, you will notice how quickly tension can drain away.

Order the MP3 of Make Stress Work for You.

Are You Reaching Your Goals?

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.


This is part 3 in my series, “Focus on Building Confidence.”

Part 1: Focus on What You Can Do, Instead of What You Can’t

Part 2: Why Your Focus Matters 

If you can’t define what you want, you will continue to do whatever is expedient in the moment.

Until you develop a positive and constructive FOCUS for your life, you will keep doing whatever feels good at the time but won’t make you happy over the long term. Instead, you’ll become exhausted and discouraged.

For example, let’s say you want a happy marriage. But all you can think about is what is constantly going wrong, especially everything your spouse is doing wrong.

Or, you might want to succeed at work but focus on everything and everybody that seems to be keeping you from reaching that goal. You are not looking for productive ways to bring about what you want.

To succeed with personal or professional goals, we must first define specifically what we want. Assessing and evaluating takes thoughtful consideration. Clarifying what is important is the first step in preparing to work for it.

Goal-setting exercise

This exercise will help you recognize behaviors and choices that worked and those that didn’t and why they didn’t.

  1. What has kept you from reaching your goals in the past?
  2. What did you do differently when you were successful in completing a goal?
  3. What did you fail to do when you didn’t succeed? Was it time management, identifying obstacles, or how it involved other people in your life?
  4. What obstacles are you currently facing that are keeping you from reaching a goal? List them – all of them. This might include:
    •  difficulty staying focused on my goal over time
    • making alterations when needed
    • following a reliable and realistic routine
    • not completing the small tasks that eventually lead to bigger problems

Only you can ascertain what you need to do to make your goals succeed. After you have worked through the questions above, make an assessment:

  • Were these goals important enough for you to work for them?
  • What needs to change?
  • Look at each item on your list and see how you might do things differently.

We tend to think of goals as relating to work or a career. But every day when we say we are going to do this or that and spend the time and energy to accomplish it, we are setting a mini goal. We don’t consider it a goal – just a job that needs to be completed.

When we look at goal setting overall, we realize there is a pattern from beginning to completion.

Obstacles that are unique to you require ways to overcome.

Time is involved – deciding when to start, when you hope to finish, and how working towards your goal will impact your lifestyle.

Plan of action

A specific plan of action is required with as many steps as necessary to complete that goal. Write down all the benefits you will get from reaching that goal.

Thoughtful reflection

Before you can get serious about how to improve your life, you need to do some thoughtful reflection.

  • What do you really want your life to be like?
  • What are your passions, your deep desires, and ambitions?
  • What makes you feel content and satisfied? (Include the things you have thought about many times but deep down never believed you could accomplish.)

Review your list again. Then ask yourself once more, “How do I want to live the rest of my life?”

  •  What is more important than the usual matters of the day?
  • Am I happy with my relationships? Why or why not?
  • What could I do to improve my relationships?

A common obstacle to achieving goals

We are confronted with obstacles all the time – most of which we don’t really identify as things we can work with to bring about a change or better outcome.

A common one is holding on to resentments.

Decide to let go of that long-held bitterness. It’s not helping you. Hanging onto it is not going to change anything.

Relationship goals

  • Do you want to be able to communicate your wants and needs better while respecting those of others?
  • This is very important in long-term relationships.
  • How can I avoid conflict without giving up my needs?
  • Can I set reasonable boundaries and maintain them while respecting others?

Then expand from the personal interactions to other desires you might have had but never believed were possible because of time or money or degree of knowledge.

What would it take to try one wish now and make it happen?

While I’m sure you have done exercises like this before, I encourage you to do it again. Sit down, maybe at the beginning of the day, and let your mind relax. Then take a piece of paper and start writing whatever comes to your mind – don’t plan or correct – just write, free-flowing without purposeful design.

When you have written about three pages you will notice your brain is focusing on things that are important to you in some way.

Free-writing unlocks the brain and allows creativity to flow.

See Walking in This World: The Practical Art of Creativity by Julia Cameron, who also wrote The Artist’s Way

Why Your Focus Matters

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.


This is part 2 of my series, “Focus on Building Confidence.”

Part 1: Focus on What You Can Do, Instead of What You Can’t

At the top of my website, you will find this statement:

Your focus defines who you are and who you can become.

FOCUS…

  • On God — let Him lead
  • On what you can do — not what you can’t
  • On choices and possibilities
  • On solutions — not problems
  • On principles and values — live them

Whatever challenge you face, you can have a life full of meaning, purpose, and joy.

As a licensed mental health counselor, psychology teacher, and a Christian, I know that what we focus on matters more than we think.

Our FOCUS impacts every aspect of our life.

FOCUS is what we pay attention to or dwell on.

For example, if we don’t focus on the road when we are driving, we will end up in the ditch or will hit another car.

If we don’t focus on where our kids are playing, they could easily put themselves in danger.

However, we often fail to consider the effect of constantly focusing on our resentments or on how angry we are with someone who did us harm or wronged us.

Over time, that resentment creates a grievance story that we repeat over and over. Joy and happiness are blocked.

Focusing on our losses without moving beyond them to create a new beginning will leave us feeling life is over. Thoughtless, mindless rambling about everything that goes wrong can keep us from focusing on how we can improve our lives.

(For more on this, see my book, Learning to Live Again in a New World, available on Amazon)

We need to stop and think about the positive things that are happening – the blessings we miss because we are so focused on everything that is going wrong. We need to engage life with a purpose: to find solutions, evaluate our beliefs and values so we can live them, and develop positive and lasting relationships as we celebrate our blessings.

There is no magic formula. It is simply becoming more aware of what your mind is constantly attending to.

  • Do you focus more on things that could go wrong or are going wrong without spending equal time looking for and celebrating what is going right?
  • Do you focus on how bad the problem is, or do you focus on finding solutions?

Coming this year on my blog and podcast

Throughout the year, my blog and podcast will offer suggestions to help you improve your life and accomplish your goals. Each month, I will focus on one of the following topics:

  • Focus on what is most important to you and live it.
  • Focus on gaining a more positive self-evaluation of your worth, skills, and abilities.
  • Focus on your responses to life – are they helping or hurting you?
  • Focus on solving problems, not on the symptoms that tell you that you have a problem.
  • Focus on building good, reliable relationships – become a good friend.
  • Focus on setting boundaries and on becoming comfortable saying “no.”
  • Focus on building and improving your skills and abilities.
  • Focus on your spiritual life – do you know what you believe and why?
  • Focus on setting realistic and achievable goals – starting small and building from there.
  • Focus on where you want to go next with your life. And remember to include time for rest and relaxation, so you don’t get burned out.

We are the only ones who can determine whether what we constantly focus on is hurting or helping us.