Choose – Then Make it Happen

Posted February 16, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

In last week’s blog, “I want to do it all”, I mentioned 3 things to consider when picking and choosing between the things you want to do and are required to do. Becoming flexible allows you to handle additional but temporary responsibilities.Identifying and eliminating time wasters gives us the advantage of effectively scheduling our work week to include both rest and relaxation and projects that feed the soul.

A piece of driftwood will drift down a stream at the mercy of the current, wind and waves. We often live our lives like a piece of driftwood, at the mercy of the winds and currents of life, reacting to whatever is happening instead of proactively accomplishing objectives.

Much of the distress we experience in life comes not just from becoming overwhelmed with time pressure and unreasonable expectations; but feeling we have little control over anything, especially our time.

Self-regulation is never easy. When we were kids, we did not like it when we were required to pick up our toys, hang up our clothes and clean our rooms. It was easier to just step over things instead of going to the trouble of putting things away. As adults we still rebel against “having to do” things we don’t feel like doing.

But routines, structure and schedules free up our time and allows us to do the things we want. Without structure, routines and self regulation, we become slaves to chaos. We are no longer in charge of our lives – disorder is.

Time management begins with identifying your current patterns of behavior. Until we do, we won’t recognize the things we do that keep us in a state of turmoil and disarray feeling overwhelmed, discontented and helpless. The following three steps can help clarify ways to make better use of your time.

Time Management 101

Step One: For one week, keep a log of how you spend your time throughout each day. Be ruthless in your honesty of what you do. From morning routines to work schedules to night time, how do you spend your time? How much time is wasted every day? What routines can be simplified and streamlined? Are family members helping in family chores? If not, why not? Even preschool children can learn simple tasks.

Step Two: Prioritize your time. Put together a routine for each day. Be consistent in following it. What is absolutely necessary? What things can be put on hold? What things are discretionary and can be eliminated? Can you maximize otherwise wasted times such as waiting for appointments, lunch breaks, riding the bus, etc. Schedule time on the weekend or some nights to do things you love to do. This is more than rest and relaxation – it is renewal and rejuvenation.

Step Three: Be patient as you develop new habits. Habits are just patterns of behavior we develop over time. It takes time, consistency and conscious commitment to put them in place. Once in place, they become a pattern of life.

When putting a new habit in place, remind yourself that you want to do this and you can do it. If your schedule is too rigid, adjust it. If you are following your new routine, don’t stress over the things that don’t get finished. Let go of the things there isn’t time to do. Honor that time at the end of the day to rest and relax.

Marlene Anderson

I Want to do it all!

Posted February 13, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

I want to do it all! I want to travel, sing and dance, write and give workshops, teach, have time for friends, read a book every day, entertain, have long conversations with good friends, etc, etc, etc.

However, I soon find myself at odds with time. There are only so many hours in a day after all and unless I can somehow come to terms with what I am able to do each day, I will soon become dis-stressed.

Since I had made the decision long ago to avoid harmful stress, the choices I make are important. While I can’t control events, I am the one who chooses to be in charge of my life. That includes how I choose to respond to events and circumstances.

So then – how do we choose between all the things we want to do?

First, become flexible.

Accept the fact that there will be times when we will overextend ourselves. It is our turn to serve on the board of our organization, be involved in community projects that benefit us all, etc. Adjust your schedules to accommodate these time periods. Then learn to say No.

Second, become mindful of how you spend your time.

How much time is wasted on meaningless habits every day? We are often unaware of how much time we waste every day that we can use for doing the things that are important to us. For example, we can limit mindless chatter with others during lunch break and use that time instead for more productive moments: go for a walk, read that book, do some long range planning, phone a friend who is going through tough times, etc. We will remain in these mundane habits until we make a conscious choice to change them.

Third, choose to make your life meaningful

Pay attention to those activities in life that feed your soul, renew your spirit and leave you energized. If I eliminate these things from my life, life can soon become oppressive. They are as important to our lives as eating and sleeping. Focus on those that are truly meaningful to you and let the others go. What things can be combined?

Managing our time can be a source of intense pressure and dis-stress or it can be exciting and a source of joy and purpose. What we choose to do with our time will be different for each of us. We are all given 24 hours every day. We are the ones who decide how we will use that time. As we become more proficient in regulating ourselves and our time, we will be amazed at all the things we can do.

Marlene Anderson

Shadow Remnant

Posted February 12, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Imagine a future where we have survived a third world war. In the process, our country not only bears the scars of war, but our governing body is no longer the same. The government we knew built on the principles of freedom and individual rights has now been replaced with a single head of state and government rule that dictates what we are allowed to believe, what we can and cannot do, what we are allowed to read and learn. Churches have been destroyed and religions replaced by a secular government who now takes care of you. Any rebellion against this new ideology is squashed with re-training and indoctrination programs. All communication sources are governed by one source and we only receive the information our government wants us to have.

Shadow Remnant tells the tale of a boy who escaped from a re-training and indoctrination school, is hunted down by government police, shot and presumed dead. But a member of the Shadow Remnant, living in the wild rescues him and nurses him back to health.

During those days he hears about God and love and grace for the first time. He hears accounts of what his country was like a hundred years before.

When he goes back to retrieve a bible he had found while on the run, he is captured and sent to a prison island for insurgents who are forced to survive any way they can. It is here he meets his father who he thought was dead. His dad had at one time been a member of the new government. But when he found and read some of the old documents of our founding fathers, he no longer could live the lies now imposed by this new government rule. He became part of a shadow remnant of people. He was hunted down and condemned for life on this island. His wife was killed and his son sent to state schools.

This is a fast paced book that holds your attention from beginning to end as we follow this young man, Peter, from capture to escape from the island to find other members of the shadow remnant. He makes it his mission to share with the rest of the nation what was lost – liberty and democracy and freedom.

The story weaves through many perilous journeys. But God is with him and in spite of enormous dangers; he is able to find his way to other members who guide him on his mission.

Scary? Preposterous? Perhaps. Yet many people have succumbed to the lure of giving up their responsibility by placing their freedom in the hands of someone else. When you read historical accounts of countries under dictatorship or socialistic rule, it is not only plausible but possible.

Shadow Remnant gives us a glimpse of what it might be like when we no longer have the freedom to work hard and be in charge of our own lives and destiny.

I wanted to share with my readers a review of a new book entitled, Shadow Remnant, written by Michael Duncan, and available on Amazon.com. It is a captivating and riveting novel that takes us a hundred years into the future. To purchase a copy of Shadow Remnant go to – http://www.amazon.com/Shadow-Remnant-ebook/dp/B009XUQOOY

Marlene Anderson

I know what I can’t do – But what can I do?

Posted February 9, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

We had just built and moved into our new home and were in various stages of unpacking and trying to find a place to put things.

A vertebra in my lower back had been gradually deteriorating putting pressure on a sciatic nerve. Without warning, it could trigger a spasm in my left leg, culminating in a leg cramp that locked my entire leg in a rigid position. Once locked, I was unable to move it until it had run its course.

However, if given enough warning, I could alter the outcome of the spasm. If caught early enough, I could push my foot down hard on the floor and stop the cramping cycle. Even when asleep, my brain was on alert so I could stop the progression. If I didn’t, I would have to endure the excruciating pain until the affected nerves and muscles released me from its grip.

Lifting and bending would aggravate my lower back and make the situation worse. I found I could only work for a short period of time before pain would drive me to my chair with an ice bag.

For someone who had lived her entire life in perpetual motion, sitting and doing nothing was frustrating and extremely stressful.

Focus on what you can do – not what you can’t

But what could I do? A visit to my orthopedic surgeon in Portland had been scheduled; but in the meantime, I struggled with unfinished work all around me.

Then, I started paying attention to that small internal voice that repeated what it had said to me so many times before – focus on what you can do, and forget about what you can’t do.

But what could I do that would be the least bit constructive? I couldn’t just read books or look at magazines. Trivial pursuits were not something I enjoyed for long. I had to be accomplishing something worthwhile.

Then I remembered all the cooking magazines I had collected over the years. They were full of great recipes, cooking tips and instructions that I wanted to keep. I had brought them with me to my new home, hoping that I might find time to go through them, save what was important and throw the rest away. But I had always been too busy; until now. Now, I realized, was the perfect time to get the job done.

Before I went to Portland for my scheduled back surgery and fusion, I was able to go through all those magazines that had been languishing in boxes for so long. Now the important recipes and information was safely stored in binders. I still have them, use them and refer to them all the time. If I hadn’t thought about the things I could do, I might never have accomplished that task and simply thrown the magazines away.

No matter what the situation, difficulty or limitation – there is always something of purpose you can focus on and accomplish. But it takes a purposeful decision and intention.

Marlene Anderson

“Let’s Talk”

Posted February 6, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

I am a visual person and with the help of my wonderful webmaster, Laura Christianson from Blogging Bistro, I have a new website with an invitation to “Let’s Talk” to anyone who stops by.

It is by deliberate design that my new website features a table and two chairs, with a pot of tea (or coffee) – an invitation to sit and chat.

At the bottom of each page you can imagine yourself stepping out of the stream of life and into the small boat, floating lazily on its tether, to relax for a few minutes or hours, allowing the gentle rocking to take away all cares of the moment .

Life is full of unexpected joys and pleasures. It is also full of devastating events, tragedies and cruel misfortune that change our lives forever. The expectations we held have been shattered: that marriage we thought would last forever, the disloyal friend, the perfect family, or the accident that forever changed our ability to do things.

Sometimes the hardships were handed out early in life with alcoholic and abusive parents, or what some might consider even worse, the neglect and rejection from mothers or fathers who did not have the capacity or know how to love and nurture.

When we are down and out we need to talk, to share with another human being what life has handed us. When rejection instead of acceptance is the norm – we need to talk. When the stresses of life become overwhelming, we need to talk. In the sharing of our concerns and hurts and frustrations we are encouraged to try yet again.

As a therapist, I have heard many stories from individuals who have encountered tough times, have hit bottom and are struggling to get back on their feet – a journey that can seem endless. As we talk and sort through the hurts and pains, healing and recovery are allowed to enter those wounded places.

“Let’s Talk” is an opportunity to share with you the joys as well as sorrows of life and offer new tools to pick up and apply to your life to make it easier, happier and more meaningful.

Through your comments and feedback, we give one another support and understanding as we face similar trials. Directing our focus to God, we gather the strength needed to create a new and purposeful life.

So send me your comments – what you like and don’t like – what was helpful and what wasn’t.

As a licensed mental health counselor, former psychology teacher and current supervisor, I share my on-going training and background. As a Christian, I share my love of God, His love for each of us, and an ongoing developing relationship. As someone who also has experienced adversity, I share my own stories of survival.

But most of all, I dedicate this website to all of you, who come to visit and stay awhile to chat. I would love to hear from you, your stories, what life tools have helped you survive and thrive.

If you like what you see, sign up to receive my weekly blogs and monthly e-newsletters. The first newsletter of this year has just been sent.

Come in – stay awhile – Let’s Talk.

Marlene Anderson

Kondi’s Quest

Posted February 4, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

A new feature of my website, will be once a week blogs that highlights a new author or books that I have enjoyed.

Sylvia Stewart is the author of 3 books. Two of those books tells the story of a child growing up in Africa. First as a missionary’s daughter and later as a missionary herself with her husband, she has spent many years teaching and spreading the gospel of Christ to the people of Africa. In the following two books, we are given a window into the daily lives of the people she served.

In her first book, Kondi’s Quest, we are introduced to a young girl who is running away from the anger of her father. Kondi was always so careful – but this time she tripped and spilt hot tea on her Dad and the precious secret he keeps with him all the time in an unmarked brown package. He lashes out in rage hitting a hard blow to her head.

This is the story of a young girl growing up in primitive conditions, how life is lived every day, in an environment that we would consider poverty.

Sylvia skillfully weaves her story around the descriptive background of color, tropical trees, grasses and plants and family life for people living in Malawi. Their lives are rich with customs that bring neighbors together to help one another as they toil hard to grow their food or make the purchases at their local market.

It is not just a story of anger but of deepening faith in God and allowing Him to help you through adversity. It is a story of hope and redemption and understanding that brings new joy to Kondi as she discovers the reason her father drinks and abuses his family.

In her second book in the series, Sylvia expands the story of Kondi with her book, Kondi’s Joy as her family leaves their village to move to a new location to help her father sell his art. It also tells the story of betrayal of one of their family members. But once again, it reveals the redemption and reversal from violence to one of forgiveness and placing trust in Jesus Christ.

Both are compelling books to read, for both the young adult and the adult reader. If you enjoy reading about different places and cultures as I do, I highly recommend your buying these two books. Just click on the link and it will take you to Amazon.com.

Marlene Anderson

In the Blink of an Eye

Posted February 2, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

The sun was setting, as our sailboat glided silently over the calm waters of the Columbia Bar – a stretch of treacherous water that can challenge the most rugged sailor when the tides drastically change the waters trajectory.

We were on our way home after several glorious weeks of cruising in the San Juan Islands. It took almost an hour and a half to reach Astoria.

After quickly scanning our charts, we decided we could reach a tiny cove located in the upper part of the Columbia River. Cruising at 7 knots, we continued to make our way through the expanded mouth of the river where water spread out over a wide expanse of water giving the illusion of a huge sea of navigational water. Only those who had studied their charts knew that going outside the clearly marked channels could quickly end up running aground in the surrounding shallow water.

A slight chop began to develop from a rising evening wind as we rounded a corner and made our way into the more clearly defined river. Although it appeared to have plenty of water to navigate, the truth was there was a fairly narrow channel that was kept dredged to 40-50′ in order for ocean going cargo ships to travel to and from the ocean and Portland, Oregon.

Dusk was falling more rapidly than we had anticipated as we entered the river. But we knew we were almost to the obscure entrance leading into the tiny but safe cove.

Suddenly out of the deepening darkness, an enormous hulk was bearing down on us. As we quickly turned the wheel, taking us to the shore and out of danger, the huge container ship silently slipped past us on its way to the ocean. Because, it had emptied its cargo in Portland, the ship rose high in the water where the lights on deck were almost invisible to us.

Had we not been on alert and knew where we were in the water, we could easily have been hit. With hearts thumping, the remaining waning light revealed the tiny entrance to the channel that would take us into a quiet, safe anchorage for the night.

While this makes a nice compelling story, what has it to do with the everyday lives we lead? Perhaps the most important lesson is being prepared.

We had spent weeks taking boating courses on navigation from the U.S. Coast Guard Auxiliary who offers boaters education on safe boating. We knew how to read a chart, chart a course, read the “road signs” – the buoys, lights, bells, beacons and range lights – that indicate a safe route through the water. Without such training, boaters can quickly find themselves at the mercy of unexpected sand bars, submerged rocks, swift running tides or even ships bearing down on them.

Preparing for life may not be as orderly as taking some navigation courses. But there is so much we can learn to prepare us for our journey through life.

When we explore such questions as, what do we want to do, where do we want to go, what preparation is required to get there and how will we prepare for adversities, we can then chart a course with confidence, ready to meet any obstacles and dangers that might rise up out of the twilight.

Marlene Anderson

From Stop to Go

Posted January 31, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

The time has come to have that meeting with myself. I sit down with a clean pad of paper, my “Have to do” list made earlier in the week and a determination to find both short and long term solutions to the overwhelming string of demands on my time.

As is my practice, I start my session with a prayer asking God for wisdom, clarity and strength to follow through. It is so easy to gloss over the things I may be doing that contribute to my problems.

GO – TIME TO FIND ANSWERS

Since we can’t manufacture extra minutes in a day, my job is to pare down my “Have To” list to what is absolutely imperative, what I need to do to function every day and what can wait for another time.

On a sheet of paper, I mark 3 columns with the following headings: Immediate – On-going – On Hold. Under each heading I put the designated items from my list. Together they comprise the demands on my time.

The first two columns demand immediate resolution and I focus on them. Each item is considered a problem and I convert them into problem solving terms: accurately defined problem, potential options and choosing one to put into action.

Options to Solutions

In my prior blog I presented a hypothetical scenario of someone stressed to the max trying to meet the demands of work, home and still find time for rest and relaxation. While hypothetical, the problems presented are real ones many people face every day. To continue the illustration of finding both immediate and future solutions, I will use three of them as examples.

Problem #1: Your work load has increased at work, you are not given time to train, your boss is always angry and you don’t want to get fired. You are exhausted, you have to spend more time away from home and it is putting a strain on everyone.

The problem:How can I find enough time to increase productivity, maintain the required level of quality, and learn new procedures and still take care of my other obligations.

Your brainstorming options may include: Join with others at work, train together, collectively ask company for training time, eliminate everything that is irrelevant from your daily schedule.

Elicit the help of family. When children do chores, they learn responsibility. Hold a family meeting and together make a list of all the things required each day: picking up, cleaning up the kitchen, helping at dinner time. This is an excellent time for a family to come together as a cohesive unit. Use praise, recognition and simple rewards to continue to motivate and encourage.

Problem #2: Your child is having difficulty at school. When children have difficulty at school many things can cause it.

Schedule an appointment with your child’s teacher that fits within your work schedule. Maybe it is a phone appointment. Be prepared to listen and ask questions; but also bring your concerns to this meeting. The goal is to find a way to work together with the school so your child can achieve. If there is a personality conflict with a particular teacher a new classroom may be part of the solution.

Spend some time each day with your child to talk. Then listen. Encourage instead of punish or threaten. This can be ten minutes at the end of each day. Make a double date with your child on Saturday. On the first part of this date, give undivided attention to work on homework. The second part of is a play date – doing something fun with your child of his choosing.

Problem #3: You are the primary caregiver for an aging parent. This may include taking them to doctor’s appointments, shopping, or visiting them at a care facility, etc.

Before you can work on this problem ask these questions: What can be shared with others? Have I explored social services that can assist me? Are there adult day care centers? The most important thing is safety.

The second is letting your aging parent that you still love and care for them when others are required to help. Take time to explain the demands of your job and assure them that you care, are not deserting them and you are there for them. Encourage your children to become a part of their grandparent’s life. This is as important for your children as it is for their grandparent.

Everybody’s life will generate its own set of problems and challenges. When we become overloaded and overwhelmed our stress levels skyrocket, our productive energy is drained by worry, concern and a sense of helplessness. While there are no simple or perfect answers, we can reduce our stress levels by defining the problems we face, becoming a better time manager, learning to delegate, negotiate and solicit help from others. In the process we become aware of what is truly important in life.

Marlene Anderson

STOP!

Posted January 27, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

The phone hasn’t stopped ringing – the kids are fighting again – the teacher called to schedule an emergency conference about your child’s schoolwork – your boss is uncompromising as the company instigates new policies, little time for training and additional workloads for everyone – you can’t afford to lose your job – nobody seems to care – and you are exhausted.

All you want is a quiet evening of peace and quiet, free from any more problems. And then the phone rings, and you cry, “Not another problem, Lord. I can’t take anymore.”

But this time the phone call is from your best friend, who patiently listens as you unload your frustrations. But when you hang up the phone, although some of the pressure has been lifted, you know it will begin again. You have asked God for strength, thanked Him for your special friend and the daily strength He gives you. But the problems are still there and you know you can’t continue like this.

STOP

There are many times when we will be expected to do more than what seems humanly possible. We become stretched to the max. Our stress levels skyrocket as we try to keep pace with the demands and pressure. It seems as though a huge garbage truck full of messy and difficult problems has been dumped on you, and you feel buried and trapped.

STOP!

No, don’t stop in the middle of the freeway, or go home from work and lock yourself in your bedroom while the kids continue to battle. But it is time to take a few minutes, halt the crazy busyness and focus on the demands on your time. In order to bring some kind of order to the chaos you are experiencing, you need to evaluate, prioritize and strategize.

First, make a conference date with “you”, a meeting to have a serious discussion with “yourself” about all your responsibilities and duties. Mark this conference date on your calendar. Highlight it and circle it in red. Don’t allow yourself to say, “I don’t have time.”

Second, take a few minutes and write down everything you feel you should be doing, must do, ought to be doing, or believe only you can do. If it is putting pressure on you – put it down, regardless of how trivial it may seem. Everything you are currently doing is of vital importance.

We are very capable of handling large amounts of stress. However, when we feel there are no options and nothing we do can change our situation, the dis-stress created can become very harmful over time.

GO

Third, take your list and quickly prioritize it

Which items cannot be ignored? Ex: your child is struggling in school.
What extra tasks is your sole responsibility? Ex: an aging parent becoming more dependent.
What do I need to do every day simply to live? Ex: shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.
Which things impact my ability to survive, pay the bills and support myself and family? Ex: maintaining a job, devoting extra time for training, keeping up with new technology, etc.

With your list in hand, tell yourself that with God’s help you can get through this difficult period of time. You have taken the first steps to resolving some of the problems, ferreting out the trivial and frivolous time wasters, and becoming a better and selective manager of your time.

Remind yourself that the conference you have scheduled with yourself is not a frivolous rehash of what you can’t do. It is a time to find the ways you can take charge of your life and initiate tactics and strategies that will bring order out of the current chaos. It is a time to organize, restructure and prioritize.

In my next blog, STOP, Part II, I will give you some of the ways to problem solve, create new goals and plans of actions when you have the conference date with “YOU”.

Marlene Anderson

Make Stress Work for You

Posted January 23, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

We live in stressful times, constantly bombarded with the need to go faster and faster while still maintaining a high level of productivity. With more and more single parent households, aging seniors and troubled financial times, fear and anxiety become the norm as we deal with the unknowns in our lives.

Advanced technology further complicates our choices because we are led to believe that we need to purchase all the newest electronic product or be left behind. After running all day, we plop into bed at the end of the day and hope we can get enough rest to get up in the morning and start all over again.

Our energy source has been compromised. “Normal” stress that allows us to live has been turned to “dis-stress”. And what is worse we are led to believe that is the only way we can live.

We have had ups and downs and difficult times throughout history. It takes fortitude, planning and flexibility to meet the challenges we face in any generation.

If we use our normal stress energy on endless worry, anxiety and irrational fear, we will soon become dis-stressed and our ability to be proactive and productive will be compromised.

We have the “ability” to “respond” in any situation; its called responsibility. We choose how we will respond to life events. We can either choose to problem solve and create plans of action or to remain in a state of hopelessness and helplessness.”

Make Stress Work for You, 12 Steps to Understanding Stress

In my book, “Make Stress Work for You, 12 Steps to Understanding Stress, Turning it Into a Positive Force”, available on my website, I offer strategies to both understand your personal stressors and ways to combat destructive stress. In the upcoming weeks, I will take you through these 12 steps.

When we understand that “stress” in its truest sense means energy, we will want to harness that energy. We see that natural energy in all forms of nature.

Watch a horse that can’t wait to get out of the starting gate; a cat with controlled energy waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting mouse, or even a spring flower bulb that uses plant energy to push up through resisting soil to reach the light.

Or observe the athlete at the starting gate, who has prepared himself over weeks and months to be ready to use that energy to run to the goal line.

Follow my blogs and see if you can identify obstructions that keep you from using your energy productively to achieve your goals.

Marlene Anderson