We are making decisions every day; most of them are small.  But they all have consequences.  Here is a very simplistic example:  Should I get up and go to work today when I don’t feel like it?  Probably yes, because I need my job and salary to pay my bills.

When the outcome of our decisions is more serious, we take the time to stop and weigh more carefully the ramifications.

For example:

Who is taking the kids to school today and who is picking them up?  The solution is usually determined within the family.  However, if family members are not available, the problem can take on more significane. Is a neighbor available or a school Mom? How well do I know that person? If no one is available, what other options do I have? Depending on the age of the children, these may include allowing them to walk to school by themselves, etc.

All decisions are based on some kind of problem solving that requires identifying the problem accurately and the pros and cons of potential solutions.  With more complex problems, it becomes harder and harder to identify what the core problem is.

Another example:

A husband and wife are getting older.  Both are experiencing deteriorating health problems, but one spouse’s health becomes worse requiring more and more full time care.  The healthier spouse does not want to put the at risk spouse in a long term care facility and tries to do all the care giving required, further compromising health issues of safety.

One major problem can reveal many attached problems, such as, in this example:  available finances, potential major move, emotional trauma, etc. The core problem remains: how do I maintain and keep my spouse safe with appropriate care, and keep from compromising my health and our financial situation. If I continue to personally care for my spouse, and my health deteriorates, how do I keep my spouse safe should something unexpected happen to me? What is the downside of doing nothing?  What will we have to give up or compromise? What costs are involved with in-home health care vs a care giving facility? Will I need to sell my home? Is there a way for us to stay together? Do I hire someone full time or part time? Etc.

When adversities come at a rapid and unexpected pace, we easily become overwhelmed. If we are unfamiliar with problem solving steps involved in finding good choices, we will find it difficult to step back out of the emotional morass and breakdown the problem into manageable segments.

Here are the basic components for problem solving.

PROBLEM SOLVING STEPS

Step 1 – Identify and define the problem succinctly and accurately

Step 2 – Generate Solutions

Step 3 – Evaluate Solutions

Step 4 – Choose one of the best solutions

Step 5 – Implement Solution

Step 6 – Evaluate your solution – if necessary pick another one

Next week, we will explore each of these steps more.

Marlene Anderson

When adversity and hardship hit hard, questions and doubts rush to the foreground.

Why? Why me? How could this happen? What did I do wrong?  What will I do? We will experience a lot of emotions such as shock, anger, fear, anxiety, and even panic.  As comprehension reveals the depth of the problems we face, we may have misgivings about how to successfully resolve them.

Adversity and hardship turn our world upside down and inside out. We find ourselves in unfamiliar territory, where our vulnerabilities are exposed and our capability questioned.

If we have never examined and accepted those parts of our personality that are weaker, less pleasant and difficult, hard times will amplify and exaggerate them.  Instead of resolve and determination, our focus will remain on defeat and failure or anger and blame.

While it is important to recognize and affirm our assets, qualities and strengths, it is equally as important to acknowledge what is not easy and problematic.   When we have acknowledged and affirmed both, our weaknesses become less of an issue and we can use our mind and energy to problem solve instead of questioning ourselves.

Being aware of our weaknesses provides a harmonious and emotional balance between what we can do and what we can’t. It stabilizes and grounds us and provides a balancing pole between two opposing forces. We are reminded we are not all powerful, all capable, or all-anything. We need others and we need God.

Pride often leads to arrogance.  Adversity will reveal this in unpleasant ways. Humility is a quantifying scale against pride and arrogance.  In the grand scheme of things there will be areas where we excel and areas where we do poorly. One does not outweigh the other.  When we recognize both, we are able to ask for help and take on the responsibility to find solutions.

Humility brings us back to what is important in life and what we believe in.  It is not just about me – but what I have been given to work with and a God who leads, guides, and directs. We don’t always have to be right; only be willing to learn.

Life can be a hard taskmaster.  Tough times can be either debilitating events or opportunities to become more than we were.  If we play the “blame game” or continue to beat ourselves up, we will spend an enormous amount of energy and time going nowhere. But, if we ask God for guidance, assurance, strength, and faith,  we will find we have the tools to handle the worst adversity.

What is difficult for you?  Perhaps you are afraid of making mistakes, appearing stupid, or incapable.  Perhaps you fear rejection and isolation. When we accept that we will make mistakes, will appear stupid at times and won’t always be capable, our fears can be turned into tools instead of huge obstacles.

We can’t learn unless we are willing to risk. When we have evaluated ourselves honestly and genuinely, we can establish a mindset and attitude that says, whatever happens, I will, with the help of God, be able to turn it into something good.

Marlene Anderson

As I continue with this new series on preparing for adversity, number one on the list is to make an assessment of your strengths and abilities.

Why is this important?

When hit with tragedies or catastrophes of any kind, our energy is used to survive – acting on instinct. When they seem to come one right after another, we have little time think about how we will recover.

Knowing your strengths and how to use them in any situation, takes you out of  survival mode and into one of rebuilding.  We don’t spend as much time doubting our abilities.

Who am I?

Throughout our lifetime, we are defining who we are: as a teen we start the process as we identify ourselves as an adult independent from our family; when we get married, our identity shifts from single to together; as a parent, we are redefined again. We have an identity in our business careers and leave that behind when we retire. Aging requires another new evaluation.

Many life altering events demand we redefine who we are. As I wrote in my book, From Winter to Spring, “Endings close a door to the past . . . they close a chapter in our life . . . there is no going back. I knew who I was before the loss, but who am I today?” Tragedy closes doors, brings about endings and a need to evaluate who we are now.

Here are some ways to make a quick assessment of the strengths and abilities you already have.

1. Make a list of all your past accomplishments.  What risks, struggles and challenges were associated with them?  What did you have to do to achieve them?  Include all things – don’t diminish or trivialize anything. We often minimize what we have accomplished.  Resist the impulse to negate their importance.  Give yourself credit for all your efforts even if things didn’t turn out the way you wanted.
2. Make a list of all the qualities it took to achieve your goals:  perseverance, taking a risk, making difficult choices, education or training, discipline, self-regulation, attitude, faith, belief in yourself, belief in God, following your gut instincts, hard worker, etc.  You can apply these same attributes again.
3. What do you consider your most important strength?  How has that helped you through life?  Expand your list of strengths, both personal and professional. Are you good with people?  Are you a self-starter and motivator? Are you a problem-solver?
4. What things from your past helped mold who you are today?  Even when we examine difficult or painful childhoods and pasts, we find strengths connected from the lessons we learned. We may have learned how to survive, how to look out for yourself, etc. We may not consider them as strengths because they came out of negative circumstances. But whenever we learn perseverance, self-reliance and  determination we can use these in a positive way to meet new goals in the toughest of situations.

Adversity challenges our ability to be in charge of our lives. It can make us feel vulnerable and anxious.  Recognizing and using our strengths can give us a renewed sense of purpose, hope, worth and meaning in the midst of extreme adversity.

Take time to celebrate your strengths.  This is not pride, this is honest acknowledgement. It is where we say to ourselves, “I did it once – I can do it again.”

Marlene Anderson

“Oh no, not again! Not another setback.”    

When we are hit with one setback after another, our response is similar to that above.

And yet, we are constantly faced with changes we do not like throughout our lifetime. We can anticipate and be prepared for many of the minor setbacks or disappointments we encounter. We know, for example, that we will need to make some major adjustments when we start a family, a new career or prepare for retirement.

The changes we initiate can be exciting and energizing. But when faced with life altering events that we hadn’t anticipated, our world is turned upside down and we struggle to re-gain control. These setbacks demand more than just adjusting – they demand we put a new reality in place.

Can we prepare for such catastrophic events?

While it is never easy, there are things we can do. They may seem insignificant, but they can mean the difference between losing hope and maintaining hope while we explore options.

Here are 7 ways that can help you prepare for major life altering changes:

• Make an assessment of your strengths and abilities.  What life skills and strategies do you already possess that can be applied to any situation? Which ones do you need to strengthen? We are more resourceful than we think.

• Acknowledge what is difficult for you.  Just as we need to be aware of our strengths, we also need to be aware of and accept those things where we need help.

• Learn to be a problem-solving guru.We have difficulty solving problems because we do not clearly define the problem – or we have combined too many problems into one.

• Develop flexibility. If we live rigid lives, insisting that things be done a certain way, we will have difficulty in the middle of a crisis. Becoming flexible means we can explore options and adjust our lifestyle accordingly.

• Become resourceful.  Can you take what is around you and make it work for you without having to purchase something new?

• Negotiate – we think of negotiation as something we do with others.  Negotiate your expectations for life. When we learn this skill, we won’t be in despair when the life we had is no longer possible.  We will know there are many ways to live a meaningful life.

• Replace negative thinking patterns that keep you stuck in fear, anxiety or self-destructive behaviors with possibility thinking.

While there are many ways we can prepare mentally, psychologically and spiritually to deal with life’s difficult moments, these are a beginning. Over the next few weeks, my blogs will focus on ways we can develop these life skills.

Marlene Anderson

Early this year a group of writers, of which I was privileged to be a part, came together to write a Christmas Romance book, entitled “Mistletoe and Mocha”.

As we progressed with our writing, we decided that each person would complete their story in a novella,  under the umbrella name, “Mistletoe and Mocha”.  Because of many different time constraints, writing and work schedules, the individual authors agreed to publish at different times; many waiting until next year.  For some, it will be the beginning of a series.

My friend, Sylvia Stewart, was ready to proceed with publication. It is published and available on Amazon.com.  Here is a synopsis of her story:

“Seattle Rayne”

“Loneliness has hovered over Rayne De Marco’s life ever since leaving East Africa to live on her own in Seattle. Frequent infusions of coffee have neither enlivened her flagging business as a freelance writer nor her social life. Seattle’s gray winter skies seem to mirror her life. Then a mama cat with three rambunctious kittens finds a home in her above-the-garage apartment, and a handsome Montana cowboy, Matt Hayes, walks back into her life. Bring in a puppy who needs a little love and you have a Seattle romance that is as sure to warm your heart as the hot coffee Seattleites crave. “

Follow the link below to get your copy.

http://www.amazon.com/Seattle-Rayne-Sweet-Romances-Book-ebook/dp/B00OVCCGXC/ref=sr_1_1_twi_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1414609661&sr=1-1&keywords=Seattle+Rayne

Sylvia lived in Africa for many years and wrote her first novel, “Kondi’s Quest”, from her experiences as a missionary.  It is a wonderful book which I highly recommend.

Great job Sylvia!!

Marlene Anderson

Can you imagine a world without blessings? I can’t.

In my latest book, From Winter to Spring, I wrote:

“Every day we are witness to many blessings that fall like a gentle rain or silent tumbling snowflakes.

Who hasn’t felt refreshed by a cooling summer shower  or been touched by the quiet serenity of an earth blanketed in mounds and mounds of downy snow that shimmer like diamonds in the winter sun?   

Who hasn’t experienced the deep, enduring and gentle peace that comes from looking over a countryside bathed in the light of a full moon?  And what person hasn’t marveled at stars so dazzling and vivid it seems we could reach up and touch them.  At such times, nature is silenced and time suspended.

Yet, the snow is only frozen water, and the sun, moon and stars are nothing more than hardened, desolate, uninhabitable rocks and dangerous gasses. What transforms these unattractive objects into things of beauty?  What happens to change the mundane of everyday events into things of beauty, miracles and blessings?”

Blessings are gifts that enable us to see beyond the pain and see hope in the worst of circumstances. Blessings ignite our energy; awaken our passions and resolve.   They give renewed focus to goals and endurance to work through the tangles of life. They give respite, a breathing space, relief from the troubles of the day.

To “count your blessings” is not some frivolous philosophy, ideology or precept.  It has the ability to transform the ordinary and commonplace, putting a different “spin” on what we are experiencing.  It can give a different perspective to an otherwise dark outcome, offering a way out or through. It becomes the paintbrush that paints rays from the sun shining through the dark clouds.  It captures that moment of hope and faith and perhaps, if only for a moment, transforms the world around you.

We are surrounded by blessings every day. Recognizing them, however, often requires purposeful looking. Blessings let us know we are not alone – that there is a God who has not only created this incredible world but continues to maintain it.  We are not alone in our tragedies, challenges or adversities – He is with us all the way.

May you be as blessed as I have been as you count the many blessings in your life.

Marlene Anderson

“Thanks for the Memories” was a song made popular by Frank Sinatra many years ago. Going down my list of things I am thankful and grateful for, memories are near the top.

Looking through many accumulated photos in my files to find pictures for my new website design, blogs, etc., I was made aware again of how many wonderful memories were created and shared with my family. It was a reminder that every day we are creating memories of some kind.

What memories are you creating?

Life goes up and down –we experience good times and bad times. But even in the worst of times, we can become aware of and capture those quick moments when we experience bursts of peace and love and compassion that tell us we are not alone – that God is with us.

These powerful memories are not captured by the camera lens – but rather by our internal lens and embedded in our memories. But to capture them, we need to be open to them so we can recognize and record them.

We can focus on the trauma, and the negative to the point that all we see is a dull, gray depressing world. But when we look for God’s pearls of grace in everything, we will see and be blessed by those special moments that lift our spirits and bring us hope and peace.

Marlene Anderson

Choices – there are many days I do not want to make the tough choices.  It’s hard work and requires discipline, self-control and restraint.

There are days I don’t want to get out of bed and go to work, or face another day of care-giving, clean my house, spend time grieving my losses or doing boring exercises to keep healthy.

There are days I don’t feel like being kind to my neighbors or overlooking miner irritations. I don’t want to know I can choose to forgive, or be responsible for my reactions to others.  It is so much easier to blame something or someone else for all my troubles.

But when I consider the alternatives, I wouldn’t give up the freedom I have to make choices for anything. Even if some choices are difficult, I know I will benefit by making those choices. I will be blessed in the long term and others will be blessed as well.

Here are some of the choices I remind myself that I am responsible for. And it is good to remember that not making a choice is still making a choice.

We choose our attitudes and responses to life situations

• Gratitude vs bitterness
• Grace extended vs resentment
• Personal self worth vs negative comparisons
• Reconciliation vs anger
• Faith and promise vs anxiety and fear
• Belief in God or being my own god
• Integrity, honesty, generosity  vs self-centeredness, greed, me first

We choose our mindsets and patterns of behavior

• What I can do vs what I can’t do
• Finding solutions vs remaining helpless
• Acceptance and moving forward vs struggling and remaining stuck
• Personal responsibility vs the blame game
• Forgiveness vs revenge
• Assessing options, taking a risk vs panic, fear and worry
• Focus on similarities and agreement vs division and differences

We choose our lifestyle

• Grieving old losses, letting go of old scripts and toxic messages
• Self-discipline and regulation instead of whatever feels good in the moment
• Principles and values vs whatever the current culture dictates
• Long term goals vs immediate gratification
• Developing good friendships, mentors and safe environments

What choices do you face today? What attitudes would empower you? What core values and beliefs will help you through the tough spots?

Reflect, define, let go of what doesn’t work in the long term and be blessed.

Marlene Anderson

“Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand.” Mark Twain

Laughter – what a blessing it is; that in the midst of pain and sorrow, we can find humor in our circumstances and laugh.

“When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. And swing!” Leo Buscaglia

Humor is not just fun. It is an extremely powerful “medicine” that heals the soul and mends the body.  Humor is a revival, a mini vacation, a breath of fresh air and a way to cope.  Everyone has the ability to create humor and laughter. Laugh at yourself – laugh at your situation no matter how desperate it may seem.

“When we admit our schnozzles, instead of defending them, we begin to laugh and the world laughs with us.” Jimmy Durante

We can bring humor to any difficult situation. Laughter, if only for a moment, can instantly transport us to another world removing us from the intensity of the troubles of the moment.

“The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.” H. G. Wells

Humor makes life more bearable, allows us to laugh at ourselves and our problems and gives us power over what seems impossible and powerless. It replaces hopelessness with hope.

What makes you laugh? When do you laugh the most?  Here are some ways to bring humor into your life.  Take one and try it on for size.

Take an intolerable situation – one packed with emotions and stress.  Flip it over and “tickle its tummy.”  Humor takes the edge off any crisis.

“I’m hanging on so tight, I’m getting rope burn!”

“I’m giving so much money to the doctors; they’ll want to erect a statue in my honor.”

Exaggerate.  Take a bad day and blow it out of proportion.  Make a mountain out of a molehill. Become your favorite comedian delivering a standup comedy.  Comedians take the crises of the world and turn them into laughter.

“I had such a bad day. . . You wouldn’t believe how bad it was. It was so bad. . . “

“I wouldn’t say the rooms in my last hotel were small, but the mice were hunchbacked!” Fred Allen

Create a good news/bad news scenario by turning upsetting events into humorous ones. Start with the bad news; then end it with a humorous punch.

“The bad news is:  I had all my teeth pulled. The good news is I don’t have to floss anymore!!!”

Focus on the positive in any situation versus the negative. My glass is half full instead of half empty.

“How did the play go tonight?” “Oh the play was a great success, but the audience was a failure!” Oscar Wilde, Playwright

When we hurt the world looks grey and dismal. We can change its color by finding something to laugh about every day. Start a “Happy Journal”.  Paste a large smiling face on the cover and record one happy, pleasant or joyful event each day.  This can include smiles, warm comments, and hugs from someone, complements, a beautiful sunset, a favorite saying or anything that makes you laugh.  Smile at yourself every time you pass a mirror – then share those smiles with everyone you meet.

Marlene Anderson

Adversity a blessing? You got to be kidding! Who would even consider such a thing?

Who wants adversity? And how can misfortunes or hard times ever be considered a blessing?

And yet, when I am honest with myself, it is precisely in those times of difficulties and hard times where I have grown, learned I could do more than I thought I ever could, and developed emotional, mental and spiritual muscles. It is where I learned to face my vulnerabilities head on, where I choose to take charge of my life, and not back away, sidestep or become a victim.

 Adversity will challenge us. Am I willing to step out of my comfort zone and take some risks? Am I ready to acknowledge my limitations and celebrate my strengths?  Am I ready to put in the effort and hard work to become capable and confident?

When I am in the middle of difficult times, I do not consider it a blessing. It is only later, when I look back, that I can see that I have been blessed in the process.

Here are some of the things I learned through adversity.  Perhaps you can identify with them:

• An “ I can do it” mindset
• I can stretch my capability far beyond what I ever thought I was capable of
• I have learned grace and forgiveness and humility
• I learned there are always solutions to problems if we are willing to search for them
• I have learned to make tough choices based on principles and core values
• I am never alone – God is always there with me even when I don’t feel His presence
• I have learned gratitude for the simple things in life: love, friendship, loyalty, freedom and hard work
• I have learned only I can be in charge of my life – and only I can give that power away

May you be blessed in some way through your challenges and struggles.

Marlene Anderson