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How to Develop Impulse Control

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We operate on impulses every day.

  • We stop at the store on our way home and buy things we hadn’t planned.
  • When we’re on a diet, we have a huge dish of ice cream while watching TV.
  • We abandon our goals every day, depending on how we are feeling in the moment.

An impulse is acting instantly without thought of consequences.

Everyone follows their impulses from time to time. It’s when our impulses constantly supersede or replace legitimate needs, however, that we are headed for trouble.

When we continue to act on our impulses in the moment, we begin to undermine our goals.

With any goal – whether long-range, such as getting a degree – or short-range, such as getting your home organized – there needs to be consistent follow-through.

Spending impulsively has an especially great attraction to us. Every day we look at ads indicating that if we buy this or that, we will be happy, everything will be good, etc.

The problem is that we are not becoming happier. Instead, we are creating a larger, more serious problem. With the ease of credit cards and apps on our phones, impulse spending can create a huge financial problem.

Proactive vs Reactive

The marketing industry thrives on reactive buying. We see an ad and convince ourselves that we have to have this.

But it’s not just purchases that get us into trouble; it’s how we react to everything.

When we react to whatever is happening without some pre-determined internal guidelines, we become captive to impulsive behavior.

When we hold a typical negative response towards people, our emotions can range from anger, fear, anxiety, worry, hate, betrayal, rejection, shame, inadequate, unappreciated, upset, deflated, and so on.

When faced with situations that insult our sense of right and wrong, we get angry and want immediate retribution. We continue to build our case as we continue to dwell on how we have been offended.

Becoming Proactive

To stop reactive spending or developing a constant negative reaction to people, we must first consider before responding. That is becoming proactive.

Becoming proactive does not mean we won’t experience automatic or negative emotions. All emotions are important, and we need to pay attention to what they are telling us.

But we do not need to act on that first impulsive response. We can stop and consider before constructing a more tempered response.

Impulse Control

All life revolves around what we are doing, thinking, or how we are interacting.

  • Without impulse control, our spending will get out of hand.
  • Without impulse control, our first impulse might be to strike out in retaliation at someone when they disagree with us.
  • Without impulse control, we won’t have dynamic or satisfying conversations.
  • Without impulse control, we will be unable to complete our goals.
  • Without impulse control, we are no longer in control of our lives.

Review Your Emotions

Since emotions contribute to both our impulses and being reactive, it is important to review them.

For example, what is your typical way of responding when you get angry? Is this an ongoing emotional reaction based on your belief that people will automatically take advantage of or manipulate you?

You may feel the circumstances you find yourself in do not give you freedom to make choices. If you are constantly feeling anxious or worrying, you may have difficulty making constructive and beneficial choices.

If you constantly feel resentful, you might ask if you really want to stay in that position, or would you like to let go of that resentment and move toward something more positive?

Sometimes fear keeps us from choosing appropriately or being responsible because we lack self-worth and self-confidence.

Becoming proactive means we take the information our emotions give us and determine what we are going to do with it.

Is my reaction appropriate for what is happening in the moment or is it influenced by my past? Is there a problem I need to identify and resolve?

Proactive = Self-Directed

When we are proactive we are self-directed. We determine how we will respond regardless of what is happening. We purposefully replace attitudes, thinking, and behavior patterns that restrict us from being reasonable and rational.

We choose our mindset and how we will respond to life.

How to Change Impulse Addiction

Finances, in particular, can become a serious problem if we can’t control those impulses. Not having a budget or knowing how to manage money can have long-term consequences. In a world that seems to glorify the things we own, we might think that unless we have this or that we can’t be happy.

How can we overcome the desire to purchase impulsively if we believe that these “things” will make us happy?

To change impulse addiction, you have to be able to say “no” to the incidentals you believe you have to have in order to be happy. It requires budgeting your finances as well as your time. You may have to scale back further than you thought.

As important as it is to learn how to apply the mantra, “Yes, I can,” to your life, it is equally as important to learn how and when to say “No.”

A Personal Example

When my husband and I were first married, we had no financial cushion. He had just returned to his hometown after playing in big bands across the country, in studios and in Vegas.

We got married with high hopes of him starting his own band. He tried selling real estate to pay the bills while trying to make the band business profitable. It wasn’t. We were back to square one.

Pregnant with our first child, I could no longer work at my job, and we had to move in with his parents for a short period of time.

But there was never the thought of giving up. Instead, we looked at other options. Before letting go of selling real estate, we used his commission to buy our first little tract development home.

He realized that neither his dreams for his own big band nor real estate would take care of the needs of a family. He chose a new direction, worked at several jobs at once, went back to school to get his master’s in music education, and took a job teaching school, something he swore he would never do.

He not only was an excellent teacher, but his students loved him.

When a new community college was started, he was hired to be the music department chairman, where he taught many courses as well as building a college band that won accolades.

All the while, we were meeting the challenges of raising a handicapped child and taking care of a mom with a serious heart condition.

We started from scratch, but we worked together as a team. Later, I was able to go back to school and finish my BA degree as well as my master’s.

We had to determine where we wanted to go, set goals, and not allow impulses to deter us. It required a budget and working together and learning to say “no” on the spur of the moment.

Change Your Focus – Change Your Life

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On the Home page of my website, FocusWithMarlene.com, I have the words:

“Your focus defines who you are and who you can become.”

What you focus on every day has an enormous influence on your life.

A negative focus looks only at everything that isn’t working without considering what is working. You soon develop a pattern of constantly finding fault, blaming, and being a victim.

As you reflect on your life – the decisions you have made, the conflicts you’ve struggled with, and the other obstacles that make up life in general – do you see a typical pattern of where your focus has been?

Is that focus benefiting you or not?

“What can I do?”

There are times when we are required to do whatever is necessary in the moment until we can mobilize our efforts and ask ourselves, “What do I need to do to begin again?”

Here is a personal story of a time when I needed to ask that question – “What can I do?”

While it might not define your circumstances, there is an important takeaway here that can be applied to any situation.

My husband and I had just moved into a new home we had built and were unpacking and finding a place to put things. The vertebra in my lower back had been gradually deteriorating, putting pressure on a sciatic nerve.

Without warning, it could trigger a spasm in my left leg, culminating in a leg cramp that locked my leg in a rigid position. Once locked, I was unable to move until it had run its course. With enough prior warning, I could alter the outcome of the spasm.

If I recognized the beginning of that muscular contraction, I could push my foot down hard on the floor and break the cramping cycle.

Even when asleep, there was a part of my brain on constant alert for the beginning of such a spasm. If I jumped out of bed quick enough, I could stop the process.

If I didn’t catch it in time, I would have to endure the excruciating pain until the affected nerves and muscles released me from their grip.

Lifting and bending aggravated my lower back even more. Unpacking boxes was now impossible.

I had to wait a week before I could see my orthopedic surgeon. Not being able to finish unpacking was frustrating. But what could I do in the interim? Reading books or looking at magazines would be short-lived and trivial pursuits were not for me. I needed to be doing something constructive.

It was then that I heard that small internal voice remind me, as it had so often in the past, “Focus on what you can do and forget about what you can’t do.”

Focus on what you can do – not what you can’t!

But what could I do? Suddenly I remembered all the cooking magazines I had collected over the years, full of great recipes and cooking tips, that I had brought with me to my new home. I had been waiting for a time when I could go through the magazines, select the recipes I wanted and throw the rest away. I had been too busy until now. Now, I realized, was the perfect time to complete that task.

Before I went in for my scheduled back surgery, I went through all those magazines that had been languishing in boxes, placed the saved recipes in binders and threw the rest away. I still have and use those recipes and cooking lessons.

The takeaway

No matter what the situation, difficulty, or limitation, there is always something of merit or importance we can focus on.

Consider the following ways you can change your focus and your life from one that is unsuccessful to one that is achieving.

These are basic life tools that anyone can acquire. As you reflect on each of them, think about your current habits. Which ones are working? Which ones are not?

Habits can be replaced.

focus

10 Ways to change your focus

1. Replace negative thinking.

With negative thinking comes constant irritability and annoyance. When things go wrong, we make it worse by grumbling about how bad everything is and what we have to put up with. Negative thinking results in actions reflecting a negative approach to everything.

Recognize and replace negative thinking with a constructive way of thinking that considers the pros and cons of various options.

2. Don’t let emotions hold you hostage.

Emotions are important. They give us information about potential danger. They warn us to be careful, to think twice, etc. They also help us experience joy, satisfaction, and contentment.

Pay attention to what your emotions are telling you. If you have a negative outlook on everything, your emotions will reflect that and you will experience more anger, resentment, bitterness,  and hatred.

Our typical way of thinking will trigger emotions that can hold us hostage. We can temper those first emotional responses with practical thinking.

3. Stop your internal critic.

An internal critic is like a recording that constantly repeats how bad we are while listing all our failures. It blocks anything positive.

If you recognize such an ongoing internal dialogue, imagine holding a remote that controls your critic’s voice. Push the stop button. Then replace it with affirming statements.

4. Replace bad habits.

To replace bad habits you must first become aware of them. Can you define them?

This includes habits of thinking and associated beliefs which are formed early in life and continue to influence how we react to the world today. When recognized, they can be replaced.

If we remain focused on everything negative, we are rejecting the qualities of possibilities, resilience, and determination.

When we understand that we can change non-productive, negative habits, we will develop the confidence to replace them.

5. Problem-solve.

Before you can solve a problem, it needs to be distinguished from the symptoms it creates. Symptoms tell us there is a problem.

When we properly identify the underlying cause of the problem, that knowledge can help us find the solutions we need.

6. Communicate effectively.

Communication is more than just conversation or general talking. It is knowing how to ask for what you want, listening attentively, and giving feedback to clarify intent.

Without good communication skills, your relationships will suffer, and conflicts will escalate.

7. Adjust your focus – your focus defines who you are.

What you focus on you will become because that is where you spend your time, your energy and thinking. It is where you hold your values and live them. It clarifies how you want to live and how to make that happen.

Adjusting your focus frees you to laugh and enjoy life.

Accept all of you – both your strengths and weaknesses.

8. Practice forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. Without it, resentment becomes a toxin that eats you up. Forgiveness does not mean we condone, deny, or minimize what happened or that reconciliation will happen.

Forgiveness is letting go. It is for you.

9. Develop an “I can” mindset.

Can you see yourself as competent and capable? Do old habits of thinking keep you from believing in yourself?

Acknowledge, appreciate, and celebrate the talents you were given that allow you to learn, grow and accomplish.

With an “I can” attitude, we are able to become resilient, to persevere, and to gain confidence.

10. Make God the cornerstone of your life.

Is there a God? Many people would say there might be a spiritual realm but not necessarily attribute it to a God. And yet, throughout history we are told stories about a God who cares for us and loves us.

From Genesis to Revelation in the Bible, we are able to read about God. Often we only focus on what we are not supposed to do. Yet when we fully understand the ramifications of doing them, we realize they, like the 10 commandments, are meant for our good – not to make life more miserable.

Science teaches there is a consequence of some kind to every action we take. Is there a God? Oh, I think so! As a Christian, I have experienced God’s love and peace and strength and hope for the future.

I encourage you to get a Bible, start reading, go to church, and pray.

Your challenge

After reviewing the life-adjusting skills mentioned above, pick one to work on for a week or two.

Then choose another that can make a difference in your life. Work with it, incorporate it into your life, and then choose another.

It might feel challenging at first, but once you have experienced the benefits of a positive new habit, you will be excited to keep going.

No Matter What, I Can Make It

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You just left the doctor’s office after discovering that the problems you were having had been diagnosed as cancer.

This was totally unexpected. You are shocked. What do I do now? I am a widow and live alone. How will I deal with this?

So many things can happen without warning, that stop us dead in our tracks. We had been busy with life, and suddenly we are hit with a life-altering diagnosis.

As we try to absorb the enormity of what is happening, we struggle for answers. We are in uncharted waters and want to deny that this is real. We try to find a way to push it away.

Things like this happen all the time to everyone. It may not be a cancer diagnosis that stops you dead in your tracks, but a financial crisis, or a family member in trouble. There are a thousand and one ways we can be hit with something totally unexpected.

We know we’ll have tough times, but we aren’t as prepared as we think. And when the unexpected happens, we experience shock and helplessness.

My life-stopping moment

Let me share one of my unexpected and life-stopping moments that happened to my husband and me. Our third son was born without the muscles to hold up his head, along with other muscle weaknesses.

When the doctors examined him at six months, they told us they didn’t believe he had much mental capacity and probably would never walk. Coming home from the hospital, we were in a state of shock, wondering how we would raise a child with such severe handicaps.

I knew we couldn’t do this alone and that I needed to pray to God for help.

woman praying on knees

After arriving home, I knelt by my bed and prayed. I knew I couldn’t just ask Him to take it all away, so I prayed for strength and wisdom to raise this special child of mine.

To this day, I remember the incredible peace I was given. I got up, energized and excited about raising our son. God not only answered my prayer, but He was with us the whole way. Getting up from prayer, I knew beyond a doubt that we would make it.

And we did! Our son was an absolute treasure to raise. And the diagnosis given to us that day couldn’t have been more wrong.

After he was fitted with a brace designed to hold his head up, Don not only walked, but attended regular school, was in the cub scouts and participated in the drama department. He was very intelligent and an extremely gifted artist, starting to draw as soon as he could hold a pencil.

After college he was a sought-after conceptual artist. He always had a twinkle in his eye and was a joy to be around. He never thought of himself as handicapped.

Related article: Living Life with Enthusiasm and Optimism

We had been hit with something totally unexpected. We were in uncharted waters. Yet with prayer, and equipped with God’s strength and wisdom, we were blessed every day as we raised him.

We started with tiny steps.

  • What did we need to put in place to help protect him?
  • How could we give him as much independence as he needed to succeed?

We did not want to hover over him every second. As we put together a plan to allow him the freedom needed to become an independent adult, he never let anything stop him. He would figure out a way.

Everybody enjoyed being with him, and when he succumbed to pancreatic cancer later in life, the large home that held a celebration of his life was overflowing with people.

I have read many memoirs of amazing people who have gone through tough times and not only survived but used those tough times to grow and become stronger, hardier, and more capable.

One such memoir, Unstoppable: The Incredible Power of Faith in Action, was written by an individual who was born without arms and legs. His name was Nick Vujicic. He not only overcame this but went on to become a worldwide speaker.

This is only one true-life story among many that illustrates what can be accomplished with faith and a belief that, yes I can. No matter what, with God’s help, I will find a way to make it.

 “You are never too old to set a new goal or to dream a new dream.”

C.S. Lewis

No matter what, I can make it

One of the most important skills we can develop is a mindset that says, “Yes, I can.”

It is a mindset that believes in yourself and looks for ways to overcome whatever has been put in your way. It reflects a willingness to dig deep inside and find the resources needed to meet those unwanted and unexpected challenges head-on.

This isn’t just about putting a positive spin on a serious or life-threatening situation. It’s looking at your situation squarely and saying, “Yes I can. With the help of God and doing whatever it takes, I can work through this.”

It won’t be easy.

It takes determination and the ability to be flexible.

It requires saying “no” to doing what feels good in the moment.

It takes ingenuity and creativity.

It takes looking at the lessons learned from the past to find new, beneficial ways to incorporate them today.

But there also is excitement and enjoyment as you make things work and move forward.

Think about all the things you have mastered in the past and what you did to make those things happen.

We will make mistakes and sometimes misinterpret the information we have. We will get discouraged, have doubts and concerns.

But when you grant yourself grace to make mistakes and learn from them and believe that God will be with you, giving you the strength and wisdom you need, you will be ready.


Related article: Yes, You Can

Choose Your Attitude

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“What alone remains is ‘the last of human freedoms’ – the ability to choose one’s attitude in a given set of circumstances.”

—Victor Frankl

Sometimes we hear words so often we don’t stop and consider exactly what they mean. Such a term might be attitude.

What is your attitude and how does it affect your life every day in every way?

Attitude is a way of thinking, a viewpoint, or a frame of mind that we choose. Our attitude is reflected in how we look at life overall as well as the way we think.

Because our attitude affects everything, it is important for us to stop and consider what our attitude is towards the world, ourselves, and others.

Over the years, I have quoted Victor Frankl many times because his message is so important. Victor Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who lived during the Nazi regime in Germany. He, along with his entire family, was sent to concentration camps.

He was sent to Auschwitz, one of the deadliest WWII camps. Except for his sister and himself, his entire family perished in those camps. Every possession was taken from them, and the Jews who weren’t shot or sent to the gas chamber endured years of unspeakable horror.

In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl writes:

“In spite of all the enforced physical and mental primitives of the life in a concentration camp, it was possible for spiritual life to deepen. . .”

  • What would you say to yourself in similar circumstances?
  • What would be your mindset?
  • How would you keep hatred at bay?

The struggles we have today can’t begin to compare with what people in concentration camps endured. Watching documentaries about the Second World War, it has amazed me how survivors were able to go on with life without hatred.

Happiness is a ChoiceIn his book, Happiness is a Choice, Barry Neil Kaufman and his wife use dialogue to help people answer such questions, such as: “Why are you angry? Why are you upset?”

Questions stimulate discussion, more questions, and new answers.

When you feel free to review yourself without judgment, you are able to be more accepting of self and others that includes a new attitude and mindset – one that “nurtures self-acceptance.”

With that, we can begin to trust ourselves as we become better decision-makers. We can look for ways to interject something positive in the worst of situations.

“Change the beliefs and the resulting feelings and behaviors change.”

—Barry Kaufman

Questions are not to intimidate or incriminate or judge or manipulate – they are asked to explore and uncover.

What you think and believe has an immediate effect on the body as a whole. “All change came from a decision to change – a decision made in an instant.”

Our thoughts and beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies. You can make decisions and your body and mind will immediately respond.

We can live spontaneously and intentionally without giving up goals and dreams. We can choose to love or hate – seek resolution or favor combat – we can choose to be happy or let unhappiness lead us down a path of fear, anxiety, and depression. Acceptance allows us the option to choose a different response to what is happening.

“Just as man learns to be a human being, so he learns to feel as a human being, to love as a human being.”

—Leo Buscaglia

Barry lists six shortcuts to happiness

#1 – Decide to “stop being unhappy.

Then formulate actions to support that decision. We have been programmed to believe that lots of things – money, best jobs, etc. – will buy us happiness.

They won’t. It’s okay to want these things, but don’t tie happiness to them as if you can’t have happiness without them.

“Happiness is not a carrot to get you to do things.”

Give yourself permission to be happy. Only we can personally have control over our happiness. Making happiness a priority changes our attitude.

#2 – Develop personal authenticity.

When we become more comfortable with who we are, we become more of ourselves.

Learn to become “open, honest, strong, vulnerable and sometimes confused.”

Question standards and rules that keep you from being authentic. That does not mean to act without responsibility, good manners, and respect for others.

Can we express ourselves without hurting others and still be honest and genuine?

Can we “build bridges between friends rather than walls between enemies?”

#3 – Let go of judgments.

Don’t prejudge possibilities. Judgments limit.

Instead of making instantaneous judgments, ask, “Is this good for me or bad for me?”

Evaluate before taking action. We can judge events for potential outcomes that might be harmful or destructive. But don’t judge yourself and others to the extent that you feel bad and no good.

Misery comes from “judging ourselves, other people and events as bad or terrible for us.”

Our “seat of happiness” comes from the left side of our brain and is connected to rational thought.

Here are some things quoted in Happiness is a Choice.

Let go of “judgment/or beliefs” that make you unhappy.

“The secret to happiness lies not in events but in our responses.”

“Our viewpoint determines our experience.”

Look at losses as opportunities. If we create our beliefs, then we can change them. When we “embrace an experience without judgment” we are open to defining our experiences differently.

“Look for what is good, and we will discover it. . . Letting go of judgments means adapting an accepting attitude…”

Letting go of judging doesn’t mean we accept everything carte blanche. It just means we have changed our attitude towards life.

“Acceptance frees us to use all our resources, including those previously consumed by unhappiness, in a direct and powerful thrust. Acceptance allowed us to see more, love more and have more energy to make a difference.”

#4 – Be present in the moment.

Instead of worrying or speculating on everything that can go wrong, stay in the moment. Most of what we worry about never happens, yet we spend hours and hours indulging in such thoughts. Don’t create limitations for yourself by thinking of everything in a negative way.

There is an old idiom that says, “Forget the past and you will be doomed to repeat it.”

But you do not need to constantly ruminate about your past. Focus on the lessons learned from the past and then move on.

Focus your attention on the present. Be aware of what is going on around you wherever you are – enjoy the beauty of things.

#5 – Be grateful.

“When we are happy we are truly grateful. When we are grateful, we are truly happy.”

Focus your attention on thankfulness.

#6 – Make a decision to be happy.

Choosing to be happy allows us to be authentic, grateful, and nonjudgmental. It is a choice we make.

Become Flexible and Resilient: Tips from ‘The Grit Factor’

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The Grit FactorIn her book, The Grit Factor: Courage, Resilience, and Leadership in the Most Male-Dominated Organization in the World, air force pilot Shannon Polson lays out what is needed to meet the challenges we encounter in life.

It is not just about surviving or overcoming challenges, but using them to develop the life skills and confidence we need. Throughout the book, she offers exercises that can help us understand our core purpose.

Here are some of the things she indicates we need to know.

Our story matters.

By understanding who you are and why you do the things you do, you are gradually discovering your core purpose.

Our stories shape and mold us and hold within them traditions we hold sacred.

They define the values we have and why we have them.

Create a timeline of your life

Stories help make sense of ourselves and others. And science research bears that out. An exercise she suggests is to write down a timeline of your life from birth to present. On that timeline, write down all meaningful events, both positive and negative, with positive events above the line, and negative events below it.

You determine what makes an event meaningful to you. Next to the positive events, write down what you did to help make those events successful. Next to the negative events, write down what you learned as a result.

Within our stories our strengths are revealed.

They help us understand our past so we can make better use of that knowledge in the future. Our stories help us answer the question, “Why do I believe and do the things I do?”

Spend some time reviewing the different aspects of your life and define the core purpose in each of them. This will give you a better understanding of your attitude and approach to life and will help you work through the difficulties you might encounter.

Shannon identifies six major aspects of resilience: “Self-awareness, self-regulation, optimism, mental agility, identifying one’s own and others’ character strengths, and connection.” When we have grit we not only have resilience, but the courage to act and lead.

We become optimistic about life.

By keeping an open mind and being mentally alert, we are able to think and learn and use new information to work through problems.

We develop tenacity and perseverance as we work to make things happen.

We don’t give up after the first unsuccessful attempt. These are skills we learn. They become a mindset and belief that with hard work, training, and persistence we can make even the most daunting happen.

Resilience is important to maneuver through life’s challenges.

Self-regulation

Self-regulation includes taking responsibility for our impulses, emotions, and actions.

Prepare ahead of time for tasks and consider the limitations and challenges you might encounter. Re-think how you view failure. It’s not that we might fail, but rather what we learn when we do.

Failure becomes an opportunity to grow. Mistakes become stepping stones to a new way of doing things.

Don’t let fear take over – fear becomes a form of resisting a better way to do things.

Become adaptable

People who are adaptable can move forward. All life experiences are opportunities to learn and adapt.

Don’t feel personally attacked or believe you have become a victim. Victims feel they have no power, feel overwhelmed, and unable to move forward.

How can you use adversity to your advantage?

First talk about your problems, rather than just how you are feeling about them or deflecting them. Focusing only on feelings will keep you in a state of stress and anxiety.

Identify the core issues involved and look at each one separately. Focus on what you can do instead of what you feel you can’t do. Find some humor in the situation.

Instead of denying or running away from adversity, face it. Develop that attitude of grit. “I can do this.” You might be surprised at what you are capable of.

When reflecting on events from the past, don’t just focus on the times you failed, but also, the times you succeeded. Maybe it took a grit you didn’t know you had. Maybe you just kept trying. Bring forward all the things you learned in the process. And then, remember if you made it through before; you can do so again.

Believe in yourself. Refuse to let adversities tear you down. Believe in God. Accept his love and promises to us.

Identify your values. Adversity teaches us about ourselves – there are important takeaways from working through them. What do you need to make it through? Reach down inside you and find the elements to make that happen.

You have more courage and resilience than you realize. Visualize what you want to have happen.

As we encounter and work through difficult times, our confidence and optimism will increase. Keeping an open mind when solving problems can lead to new possibilities or ways to get things done.

Sometimes harsh times seem to go on forever. Consistent repeating of affirmations can help alleviate feelings of insecurity and uncertainty.

We may have been stunned or caught up in surprise in the moment by something totally unexpected, but we can use our thinking to work through them.

Each time we are confronted and work through difficulties, we are learning how to reframe, modify, make alternations, adjust, and maybe even redesign our goals. It’s called adapting.

We hear a lot about coping. But we can do more than just cope.

We can get back up on our feet and revise and amend our way forward. We can not only survive but make this work to our advantage. Stand up for yourself and don’t be afraid to look out for yourself.

We will be challenged throughout our lifetime.

But each challenge offers us the opportunity to reach deep inside ourselves and develop resilience and grit. It is when we are challenged that we learn how to live life fully and become more than we ever thought we could be.

We learn better ways to problem-solve and find answers that are right for us.

As we work through trials, we gain confidence that leads to positive future goals.

Accept Adversity and Work With It

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Change your thoughts and you change your world.”

—Norman Vincent Peale

When adversity and hardship hit hard, questions and doubts rush to the foreground.

Why? Why me? How could this happen? What did I do wrong?

We experience emotions such as shock, anger, fear, anxiety, and even panic. As comprehension reveals the depth of the problems we face, we may have misgivings about how to successfully resolve them.

It is here we stop and take some calm breaths, and tell ourselves, “Yes, I can.”

Adversities are hardships, misfortunes, and difficulties that expose our vulnerabilities and question our capabilities.

If we have never examined and accepted those parts of our personality that are weaker, less pleasant, and difficult, hard times will amplify and exaggerate them. Instead of resolve and determination, our focus remains on defeat and failure or anger and blame.

We are not perfect.

While it is important to recognize and affirm our assets, qualities, and strengths, it is equally important to acknowledge our weaker parts.

After acknowledging and affirming both, our weaknesses become less of a problem. Then, after the first shock of harsh reality, we can use our mind and energy to problem-solve instead of questioning our abilities.

Being aware of our weaknesses provides a harmonious and emotional balance between what we can do and what we can’t.

This awareness stabilizes and grounds us and provides a balancing pole between two opposing forces. It reminds us we are not all-powerful, all-capable, or all-encompassing. We need others and we need God. Just as we need to know our strengths, we also need to know our vulnerabilities.

“We know what we are but know not what we may be.”

—William Shakespeare

Pride often leads to arrogance.

Adversity reveals this in unpleasant ways. Humility is a quantifying scale against pride and arrogance. In the grand scheme of things, there will be areas where we excel and areas where we do poorly. One does not outweigh the other. When we recognize both, we are able to ask for help and take on the responsibility to find solutions.

Humility brings us back to what is important in life and what we believe.

It is not about me – it is about what I have been given to work with and a God who leads, guides, and directs. We don’t always have to be right; only be willing to learn.

Life can be a hard taskmaster and tough times can be either debilitating or opportunities to become more than we were. If we play the “blame game” or continue to beat ourselves up, we will spend an enormous amount of energy and time going nowhere.

If we ask God for guidance, assurance, strength, faith, and hope, we will find we have the tools to handle the worst hardship or misfortune. As we look for blessings, adversity will be balanced by all the good things we can be grateful for.

What is difficult for you?

Perhaps you are afraid of making mistakes or of appearing stupid or incapable.

Perhaps you fear rejection and isolation.

When we accept that we will make mistakes, that we will appear stupid at times, and that we won’t always be capable, these won’t become such huge obstacles.

We can’t learn unless we are willing to risk, make mistakes and appear stupid at times. But we can respond in positive ways.

Through acceptance, mistakes can become tools instead of hindrances. When we evaluate ourselves honestly and genuinely, we can establish a mindset and attitude that says, “Whatever happens, I will, with the help of God, be able to turn it into something good.”

couple holding hands

Monitoring personal behavior

In today’s world, we live vicariously through the sensationalism of others. The more sensational, the more we lap it up.

Or we hide in chat rooms and believe whatever we do or say there is okay. Our “reality” becomes a mixture of fantasy and self-deception.

We forget we were given the freedom to choose our responses to life. If we believe we can do anything we want without judgments, evaluations, or self-regulation as long as it is politically correct, we and our culture are headed for serious trouble. All the things we do, whether behind closed doors or in the open, matter.

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel change, grow, or love. Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; he has forfeited his freedom. Only the person who risks is truly free.”

—Leo Buscaglia, Ph.D.

3 ways to put self-discipline into practice

If you are struggling, wondering how to put self-discipline or self-regulation into practice, consider these three steps:

Step 1:

Examine your beliefs.

Define and write them down. What are your beliefs based on?

I believe they begin with the Ten Commandments which are as pertinent today as they were when God handed them down to the Israelites centuries ago.

Step 2:

Study your Bible.

Principles that last are based on more than what the culture of the day decides is okay. Acknowledge your need for God’s love, saving grace, strength, and power. We can’t do this by ourselves.

Step 3:

Recognize that there is a struggle between good and evil, personal gratification and sacrifice, wanting to do what is right and the temptation to do whatever feels good.

We can’t begin to define what is appropriate or destructive without a guiding force that is based on love; a love that first comes from God and which we then can extend to one another.

Self-regulation doesn’t mean we will live perfect lives.

We will get tired, do things in the spur-of-the-moment without thinking, and will be swayed by the social and cultural climate we live in.

At times, we will give up.

But when we have defined and predetermined our principles, this powerful guiding force helps us resolve problems and avoid destructive mistakes.

Who’s At the Helm? Rules for Charting a Course Through Life

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My husband and I were avid sailors. We moved to beautiful Northern Washington to take advantage of the wonderful cruising in the San Juan Islands.

Before you begin any cruise, however, you need to have a destination in mind. That might mean just an afternoon sailing in the waters close to home. Or it might mean an extended trip up into the Vancouver Islands. Either way, you need to know the route you will take and what obstacles you might encounter.

But it’s not only having a definite route planned before you leave port, it is important to know the rules. You need to be aware of other boats out for a sail. You need to know where the shipping lanes are, what the different buoys mean, and how to chart a course. You must take into consideration prevailing winds, tides, and currents.

You also need to know the condition of your boat. What can it weather without peril? How does it perform in a storm?

Without these basics you can easily get into trouble.

Cruising through Life

It is the same with life. We need to know how to take the helm and navigate through waters of personal development, careers, family, and long-term relationships.

This requires planning a designated route, knowing where the rip tides are, understanding how to avoid submerged and dangerous rocks, and knowing how to find safe passages when the weather gets rough.

Preparation for life involves not only knowledge of the areas where we want to go, but also, preparation and knowledge of ourselves.

There were times after charting a course and setting sail, that we could activate the automatic pilot – a  self-steering apparatus that enabled us to take our hands off the wheel, allowing the automatic pilot to take over. Even so, we never left the cockpit. We continued to monitor the boat’s passage so we could take control of the helm at a moment’s notice.

Are you on automatic pilot?

While the automatic pilot could self-correct within a predetermined set path, it couldn’t anticipate the unexpected.

That is also true for us as we navigate life. We set goals, develop a course of action, and go on automatic pilot. Yet, if we have not prepared for the unexpected – knowing what to do when the weather changes, when the fog rolls in, or when the winds whip up a storm – we will not know how to take over the helm and self-correct our directions and actions.

Unless you are in danger of running aground, crashing into a barrier reef, or being run over by a ferry or large ship, correcting a course on a predetermined course usually takes only small actions. The rudder on any size boat is relatively small in relation to the size of the boat, but its steering capacity is remarkable.

If you have dealt in the past with panic and severe reactions to unexpected changes, your first response to any perceived or real danger in the present will be panic and fear.

It takes time to replace old responses with calm and thoughtful consideration.

While fear and panic can motivate us to take immediate emergency action, if you see every situation as some kind of danger, your responses will continue to become overreactive.

And when we remain stressed for long periods of time without resolution, we become a candidate for major health problems.

Make Stress Work For You by Marlene Anderson | focuswithmarlene.comFor more on this topic, see my book, Make Stress Work for You, 12 Steps to Understanding Stress and Turning it into a Positive Force

In order to change habits of overreacting, we need to first learn a new way to assess and evaluate before responding.

Related article: How to Replace Bad Habits with Beneficial Habits 

If you are experiencing unexpected problems that seem to never end, resist the impulse to automatically think how bad it is.

Instead, take a slow, deep breath and tell yourself as you evaluate the situation, “I am able to work through this, one step at a time.”

Turn from thinking the worst to focusing on the specifics of what you are facing.

This takes you out of the reactive state into becoming proactive.

Write down all aspects of the problem. Is this a minor correction to your life or will this require a whole new change of direction?

Do whatever is necessary to stabilize your position while you work on finding a long-term solution. Becoming proactive instead of having a knee-jerk reaction allows you time to think and search for a more appropriate response.

After identifying all aspects of your problem, you will be able to alter or chart a new course and put down the steps needed to make it happen.

Be sure to evaluate your progress as you go along to be sure it is accomplishing your final outcome.

Related article: Problem-Solving, Step 1: Identify the Problem and Define the Conflict

There will be times when you can run on automatic pilot. Just be prepared to take back the helm quickly and correct or change directions as needed.

Quiet Your Internal Critic and Develop Self-Esteem

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Self-esteem is the worth and respect we give ourselves that encourages and affirms our ability to make practical and beneficial decisions.

When our “inner voice” or self-talk berates everything we do and everything about who we are, we will struggle to believe in ourselves. Our fears of doing everything wrong overshadow anything we might do right.

A low esteem will be reflected in our relationships, marriage, social circles, and work, because everything is colored by that negativity. And it can breed jealousy and resentment, as well as a simmering dislike for others.

In their book, Self-Esteem, Matthew McKay, Ph.D., and Patrick Fanning, give us indications of how self-esteem is diminished. They refer to our “negative inner voice” as a pathological critic that continues to attack and judge us.

In past blog posts and in my work with people, I named this “inner voice” our Internal Critic, and suggested you give it a name and order it to sit down and be quiet unless it had something of real value to share.

Related article: That Unexpected Visitor: Your Internal Critic 

While that might seem a bit harsh or extreme, remember that if this internal critic has had free run for a long time – denouncing anything and everything you do – it has formed a habit. Habits can be replaced but they first need to be recognized and properly identified.

Giving your critic a name helps you identify when it is overly active so you can respond quickly in stopping the flow of negativity.

That does not mean that you shouldn’t stop and evaluate the pros and cons of a decision that needs to be made. You need to first assess the seriousness of a problem and then what might be the best solution.

It is important to be cautious and careful and consider all options. But an Internal Critic doesn’t give you time to evaluate pros and cons. It is negative about everything. When constantly bombarded by an internal critical voice, we aren’t able to recognize anything positive.

Related article: How to Replace Critical Self-Talk with Affirmations

How do you handle problematic situations?

What is your first reaction? Is it always critical or negative?

If it is, what can you put in place to help evaluate and become more accurate in both identifying problems and finding appropriate solutions?

When your self-esteem is low, your critic becomes more vocal and drowns anything else out.

Related Articles:

How Our Internal Critic Labels Us

Quiet Your Internal Critic and Develop Self-Esteem

Our critic will attach labels to us, such as idiot or you’ll never learn.

Labels are any descriptive words or phrases used to describe a person or group. They usually trigger an immediate response and image. Labels try to condense and explain complex behaviors and situations and in the process, identify and define someone or something. They also become buzzwords we use in most of our conversations.

So, how can I more accurately identify whether I have a destructive self-critic?

Well, an irrational critic will blame you for everything that happens. It follows its own script that consists of every fault and failure you have made. It will call you names such as stupid or incompetent, exaggerating your weaknesses while distorting or minimizing your capabilities.

Over time, this rhetoric becomes toxic and begins to control your thinking. It usually has a long history that begins early in life, comparing you to what or who you “should” be. It becomes a critic of the values and rules you were given while growing up. And at the same time, it blames everything and everybody else for all the problems you have.

Insidious, Subtle, and Dangerous

If our Internal Critic is constantly devaluing us, then why do we listen to it?

As shocking as it might seem, in some way it is rewarding. Perhaps it is reducing the stress of problem-solving. If you don’t have to make a decision then you won’t make a wrong one and anxiety is reduced.

Instead, we blame others for whatever happens as a way to cover up our fears, mistakes or bad behavior. We may not even be aware that we are doing that. Blaming others takes the pressure off of us. Remember as a kid, saying, “It’s not my fault – it’s his,” referring to a brother or sister or anybody else.

When we continue to repeat patterns of thinking or behaving, we are reinforcing it and it becomes a habit. We use it to explain everything. “Self-critical statements can be both positively and negatively reinforced.”

Your internal critic can tear you down while you are trying to make good choices and meet your basic needs. Those basic needs include a way to regulate your behavior and control dangerous impulses.

You need to have some kind of structure and order, along with rules in place that will provide an ethical (moral and immoral) framework.  When those rules are violated, life becomes more chaotic, and you lose your sense of worth. You fear rejection and your critic helps by blaming it all on others.

We also cope with rejection by first rejecting ourselves.

If I call myself a loser, nobody else can. So, we attack ourselves, which relieves our anxiety about someone else attacking us first.

Like most habits we want to alter or replace, we must first become aware of them. If you want to alter your critic’s voice, you need to become aware of what it is saying to you, when, and how often.

Then ask yourself:

  • Why am I doing this?
  • What purpose does it serve when I always attack myself in some way?
  • What is my critic’s ulterior motive?
  • What am I fearful of?

Then talk back.

Tell it to stop or shut up. Replace with affirmations of worth.

Worth is not determined by your behavior. It is the value that all human beings have. You just need to increase your awareness of that value.

In 1 Corinthians 13, love is described as: patient and kind, not jealous or boastful, arrogant, or rude, or insisting on having its own way. Love is not irritable or resentful and does not rejoice at wrong but rejoices in what is right. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

If we are to love others, how can we do that if we despise ourselves?

Changing Your Internal Dialog from “I Can’t” to “I Can”: Practice Positive Affirmations

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What do you say to yourself when the world drops out from under you?

When the doctor says you have cancer, or your child has become a drug addict, or when a beloved spouse, parent or grandparent is on hospice?

Every day, in some way, we are responding to the tragedies, calamities, and heartbreaks we experience. We seldom think about what we are saying to ourselves at such times and how it can impact our ability to meet those challenges.

Words have incredible power, especially when they devalue who we are, our worth, esteem and abilities. The same is true when we devalue others.

When faced with tragedies, losses, and overwhelming challenges, what we say to ourselves can keep us in a hopeless frame of mind, unable to search for answers.

We are often unaware of our ongoing internal dialogue.

What are you saying to yourself on a daily basis? Do you constantly tell yourself all the reasons why you can’t succeed, why you aren’t good enough?

If you always tell yourself, “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” then you won’t.

It is normal to have doubts and question ourselves, but when it becomes a pervasive pattern of negating everything we do, it has unwanted long-term consequences.

If you find yourself consistently focusing on what you can’t do, it is time to challenge that thinking.

Who says you can’t?

If you have a list in your head of all the reasons why you can’t, make a new list of all the ways you can.

Begin by writing down all the things you have already accomplished. We tend to minimize the things we are capable of while maximizing the things we are not good at.

You may have made bad choices in the past and missed opportunities. We all do. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make better choices now. Don’t allow your fear of failing to dictate your efforts to try.

When we choose to look though the dark lens of contempt or condescension, we begin to find fault with everything and everyone. Others become inferior, undeserving of respect. By raising yourself above them, you assume an attitude of superiority while feeling inferior deep inside. We hide that for fear of rejection.

See related post: How to Replace Critical Self-Talk with Affirmations

There is a price attached to negative thinking. You become defensive and on the alert to avoid being taken advantage of. Relationships suffer. When the focus is constantly on finding fault, it is difficult to find agreement about anything – even with those you care about. We attack and defend.

If your self-talk reflects ongoing doubts about yourself, you can create all the worthwhile goals you want but you will be undermining your ability to achieve them. Your biggest obstacle will be your inability to believe in yourself.

Remove the glasses that focus only on the awful or unpleasant!

Creating positive affirmations

Communication begins with our internal dialogue – talking to ourselves. As we learn to appreciate who we are, we can move forward with hope and confidence. Making and repeating affirming statements is one useful way to begin developing that confidence.

Affirmations to consider:

  • I affirm I have choices and abilities.
  • I affirm I have worth and value.
  • I affirm that I can accomplish any goals I choose when I put my heart, mind, and effort to the task.

You might be hesitant to repeat these affirmations every day because you feel you are being dishonest since you currently don’t believe that way.

But you are in the process of changing your belief system.

Affirmations reflect the values and principles you want to live. They are re-training your brain and your thought processes from a negative point of view to one that is positive and assuring. They will motivate and encourage you.

Affirmations draw us towards something of value and set in motion the willpower to do it.

Repeated daily, they can become a new self-fulfilling prophecy. They also become a new automatic response to adversity and life in general.

Let affirmations guide you as you create new goals. As you repeat them each day, you will begin to act on them.

Here are some additional affirmations you may want to consider:

  • I am intelligent, capable, and responsible for all my actions.
  • I choose to expand my point of view and focus on what is positive in my life.
  • I can become more than any hurtful events in my past.
  • I forgive because hanging onto grievances hurts me.
  • I work for excellence instead of perfection.
  • I am methodical and careful in everything I do.
  • I focus on what I can do and not on what I can’t do.
  • I let go of the hurts of the past so I can work on my future.
  • I can say “no” and respect my decisions.

Take some time to create your own personal affirmations. Or modify the ones above to address your special concerns, needs, and wants.

How our Perceptions of the World Work For or Against Us

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How do you see the world?

How does your perception differ from others you know, including your family?

Why does it matter?

Those differences become obvious as we talk, act, and live our lives. It also influences the observations we make and the insights we get, and how we use them.

Perceptions are the personal assessments we make about the world, and they begin to form early in life, becoming more specific as we age. They influence all our relationships and how we communicate and interact with others.

We are often unaware of the perceptions we have created and how they might be working against us, sabotaging our relationships, aspirations, and goals and the ability to see things in a more positive way.

We are a combination of many things: DNA, personality, childhood experiences and the fundamental beliefs we put in place while growing up.

We form perceptions of who we think we are based on how we interpret those experiences.

Think about two kids growing up in the same household. Each can have very different perceptions of what their family is like. Simply put, it is the ability to determine life through our senses, awareness, and comprehension.

Attitudes, motivations, and expectations are also affected by perceptions. How we perceive the world shapes and forms these attitudes and mindsets, as well as the view we have of ourselves. It is affected by our personality, what interests us, and past experiences.

Remember that our perceptions are not reality.

Perceptions will influence the observations we make on a day-to-day basis. I live in the Pacific Northwest, where there are many days of gray skies. I like blue skies and sunshine. But looking at it from a different perspective, I am reminded that those gray skies and the rain that follows give us the beautiful green that I enjoy year-round.

So, I have a choice. When it is gray outdoors, I can allow myself to get into a funk or I can create comforting spaces inside my home that reflect light and color.

I may turn on a light or two.

In the spring when the gray skies seem endless, I focus on the exploding color of spring: tulips, daffodils, and flowering trees.

With thoughts and attitude challenged, I focus on what I want to accomplish, and my day is transformed.

I can do the same when challenged by negative situations.

I can choose to look at my problems in a more productive way. For example, I can choose to look beyond my first instinct to treat the grouchy neighbor in kind and instead offer him grace.

I can make a conscious choice to pray for that person I really don’t like. After all, God loves me even when I am at my worst. Maybe that difficult person needs to know and feel God’s grace as well. I find ways to set my boundaries while extending grace.

Perceptions and how we make sense of the world enable us to survive.

Without the ability to perceive, we wouldn’t recognize danger, and learn how to react to it or protect ourselves. For example, you might love dogs but when you come up to one that growls at you, you stand back even if you want to pet it because that growl is a warning they might bite.

Children growing up in an emotionally dysfunctional home learn that when their parent is scowling, it is a warning sign to not antagonize.

Perceptions we put in place can keep us alive.

However, when we perceive danger or caution in everything, we can become super-vigilant, depressed, and eventually worn out. We judge people adversely and we consider all situations as unfair. We develop biases and prejudices and we stereotype everything in a negative way. Anxiety replaces laughter or happiness. We no longer can make accurate assessments and we no longer experience joy.

So, in many ways, perception becomes the lens through which we view our reality, and it influences everything, from how we process to how we interpret things. The perceptions we put in place determine how we make assessments and then choose the best way to act.

Every day will present challenges that trigger an immediate response. If we develop the habit of responding without thinking, we can spend a lifetime feeling angry, resentful, and sometimes bitter. If we stop and consider, we can change or alter that first response to one that is both protective and accommodating or helpful.

When life seems like one problem after another, we will get depressed and strike out, or build resentments and blame others for all our difficulties and distress. Sometimes we just condemn ourselves.

However, remaining in that mindset takes away our personal power to find the solutions we need and will keep us locked in a never-ending cycle of bitterness and resentment.

Similar to changing a habit, we can alter our perceptions and replace illogical ones with logical ones.

We can learn to change our perspective and focus.

When we do, we see the wounds and pain that cause people to strike out; we see the losses that have colored their internal skies not only gray, but black; and we can appreciate the loving traits of friends and family and the people we work with.

And perhaps, when I am able to change my perspective, in the process others might view life differently.