“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. . .” Ecclesiastes 3:1

There have been many books written about the seasons of life. A major loss or catastrophe is a season forced upon us that is out of sync with what we assumed to be normal and expected. Ecclesiastes reminds us we can learn something of importance in every season and we should not hurry through them.

Life is about change. And in the middle of change we are propelled into unfamiliar territory. It is uncomfortable and intimidating and we feel vulnerable. We want things to return to their former “normal”. We want to quickly find answers so life can become predictable, stable and comfortable again.

As we sort through the rubble caused by unwanted change, tragedies and losses we want to find answers to all the questions we have. We want to know why and make sense of things. But as we wrestle with the unknowns, we realize there may be a time to struggle and a time to let go and accept without the answers we want.

Life is about change and each season has its purpose. We continue to work in and out of seasons all our life.  We can use each season, wanted or not, to gain a new perspective of life.

Just as we use those long winter months to read or work on projects summer activities keep us from doing, we can use the season of change to broaden our perspective of life. The season of change can provide a time for reflection and an opportunity to discover something important about who we are.

If you are going through a change or grieving a loss, consider the following:

1. What are you learning in this season? What are you learning about yourself that you were unaware of before?

2. What have you gained from your loss? There are unexpected benefits we wouldn’t have known otherwise.

3. What thoughts keep you mired in anxiety over what you should have done, could have done, or didn’t do that might have contributed to this unwanted change or loss?

4. What have you gained in resiliency flexibility, tolerance, strength, faith, courage and trust? These are important attributes you may not have discovered without adversity or change.

As we expand our identity and frame of reference, we might minimize the important things we are learning. Yet it is these very things that help us grow in ways we might never have if we hadn’t gone through that season of unwanted change.

Marlene Anderson

We think of conflict happening within relationships. Differences between two people unless resolved, can destroy marriages and friendships.

But we can also be “conflicted” within ourselves. When we hold opposing beliefs, viewpoints, ways of thinking or values, it produces conflict. This inconsistency or conflict will continue until we are able to reconcile the differences.

When there is a dissonance (difference) between attitudes and behavior, we may modify our attitudes and beliefs or we can change our behaviors.

We cannot stay in a state of conflict for long. If we hold values, beliefs, or attitudes that are mutually incompatible with each other or behave in ways contradictory to our values, we will experience enormous internal stress. That inconsistency becomes intolerable.

Let’s say for example, you are a smoker. You are aware of the dangers to your health but it is difficult to stop and you continue to smoke. You are now conflicted. You enjoy smoking but smoking is harmful. This inconsistency will continue to produce an uncomfortable tension until you are motivated to either give up smoking or change your thinking about the risks involved in smoking.

Your reasoning may go something like this:

• I enjoy smoking – it is relaxing

• The chances of developing health problems from smoking may not be as serious as most people say – I’ve known people who have smoked all their life and are okay

• A person can’t always avoid every possible dangerous situation and continue to enjoy life

• If I stopped, I would probably put on weight and then have a more serious health problem.

This conflict resolution is called denial. Since we don’t want to stop smoking, we justify our reasons to continue. That is true for overeating, drinking too much alcohol, doing drugs (including prescription pain drugs), participating in dangerous or risky activities, etc.

It is never easy to reconcile our beliefs with our behaviors. Often its because we haven’t identified the beliefs and values that are important to us. If we go against them we will experience turmoil and feel guilty. Take time to examine the beliefs you hold and values or importance you have put on them.

Values are useless unless we live by them or implement them – making an honest effort to live our values. Know when it is okay to compromise. Decide which are most important. Then don’t compromise.

A well-defined value system is basic to personal motivation, self-determination and life-enhancing goals. When we control the direction of our life, rather than allowing it to be controlled by forces and values outside ourselves, a feeling of self-affirmation is created.

Marlene Anderson

What do you value?

What do you value most in life?  Your kids, your marriage, your relationships?  Perhaps it is your career or achieving success. Maybe you put a high value on your phone, I-pad, and other electronics we have come to depend on?

Beliefs form the foundation of our value system

We form beliefs and then put a personal worth or value on them. It’s what’s important to us.  Many of the values we consider important were learned by observing parents, peers, teachers, movie and TV characters, religious and political leaders.

Why is it important that we know what we value?

We spend time with those things we value the most. If family is important, we will spend time with them.  If our relationships are important we will spend time with those we care about.  If God is important, we will value the time we spend with Him and His word.

The values we hold form a blueprint or guideline for the choices and decisions we make. They affect our choice of occupations, marriage partners, family and social interactions, political and religious activities and future plans. It is more than just a set of rules and regulations.

If we are doing things that go against our beliefs and values, we will experience conflict and stress. This internal conflict will affect every part of our lives.

Moral values guide ethical behaviors such as telling the truth, keeping agreements and not injuring others, etc. They form the basis for judgments and moral responsibility of right/wrong – good/evil.

Non-moral values are based on tastes, preferences and styles. There is no sense of obligation or moral responsibility attached. It is preferred vs. dictated. They express our attitudes towards all kinds of things.

Identifying our core beliefs and the value we place upon them, especially our moral values, is crucial to our psychological, emotional, spiritual and physical health.

What do you belief in and why?

As demands on our lives become greater and the choices available rise exponentially, we are challenged to live moral and ethical lives.  There is little time to evaluate right and wrong.  What we accepted as moral norms in the past are no longer considered relevant today.  We try to end the conflict by adopting the current norms for living.

Beliefs and values are very powerful. We will die for them. We will kill others for them. We will give up comfort and safety for them. We  need to evaluate them carefully.

Healthy values  encourage us to live in the present while learning from the past and making plans for the future. They encourage us to problem-solve. They set a standard that help us make moral and ethical judgments.

Healthy values are life-enhancing, realistic, flexible and owned.  They allow us to meet our basic, human needs.

Unhealthy values on the other hand are rigid, adopted from others without serious consideration, unrealistic, and life-restricting.  They diminish our worth and self-esteem. They form rules that discourage critical thinking, problem-solving and evaluation.  These rules become laws that cannot be broken – you must and have to follow without question.

In a fast paced world with social mores rapidly replacing the moral norms held for decades, we often find ourselves in conflict with what to believe and accept for our lives today. Taking time to step back and evaluate our core beliefs and values is critical for our lives and that of our children and the tough choices that may be required.

What are some of the beliefs and values that govern your life? Why do you place a value on them?  Why is it important for you and your children?

 Marlene Anderson

Are you able to define what you believe in and the value you place on those beliefs?

Perhaps you never even considered why this is important? To have purpose and meaning for our lives, we need to take another look at optimism, beliefs and values.

 Let’s start with beliefs.

Beliefs are what we maintain to be true about something, someone, ourselves, our environment, events, etc. It is what we accept as truth.

Belief systems are always unique to each individual person. Each develops their own way of seeing or perceiving and interpreting the world. Beliefs influence our perception of how we should or must act; what is expected of us. Reality is always filtered through this personal perceptual belief system.

Most beliefs have nothing to do with actual truth or reality. They are formed as a result of the needs and expectations of our parents, teachers, and culture and by our own need to be loved, accepted and feel that we belong. They are developed when we are too young to evaluate their truth; so many beliefs are distorted and biased.

Beliefs are powerful motivators.

Their power comes from the premise that we believe they are true and therefore must be obeyed. Not only do we feel guilty and a bad person when we don’t follow their dictates, but we also expect others to follow the same rules and beliefs. When forced to choose between legitimate needs or desires and absolute beliefs, an impossible situation is created.

Beliefs form the foundation of our value system. They define purpose and meaning in our life. It also becomes the cornerstone of morals and ethics. Our beliefs and the value we put on those beliefs influence how we think and behave. As adults we rarely take time to examine or question what we believe and why.

Unhealthy beliefs are rigid, introjected, unrealistic and restrictive.

Rigid beliefs demand that you obey them or you will feel worthless or bad. They use words such as never, always, all, perfect.

Introjected beliefs are the beliefs and values of our parents and others that we accept as our own without questioning. They may not be right for you.

Unrealistic beliefs dictate prescribed behavior that is absolute; you act in a certain way regardless of negative consequences to self or others.

Restrictive beliefs are those that run contrary to the needs required to live a healthy life. They are full of “shoulds”.

Healthy beliefs and values are flexible and allow for exceptions. They are owned. They make sense and are chosen and accepted by us after careful consideration.

Realistic beliefs are assessed in terms of their consequences and meet the needs of a healthy individual without long-term harmful or painful consequences for self or others.

What do you believe in?

What do you believe about yourself? Do you believe you have what it takes to overcome all odds? Do you believe you can make it? Do you believe that with the help of others and God you can muster the courage and strength to meet the obstacles in your life?

Make a list of all the beliefs you hold to be true about yourself, others and the world you live in. Expand the list as you become aware of them.

 Marlene Anderson

Without purpose, life would have no meaning. Purposiveness can be defined as “finding meaning in life.” Without a sense of purpose and meaning, we would have little optimism or hope for our future.

Victor Frankl wrote in “Man’s Search for Meaning ” that man’s search for meaning “is the primary motivation in his life.”

In his book, “Authentic Happiness”, Martin Seligman writes,

“Optimism and hope cause better resistance to depression when bad events strike, better performance at work, particularly in challenging jobs, and better physical health.” Optimism doesn’t just happen – it is learned.

The science of Psychoneuroimmunology teaches us there is an interaction between the brain, endocrine system and immune system and to this degree belief becomes biology.

Optimism is a biological phenomenon that creates a definite physiological response within an individual. It reduces anxiety and stress and its accompanying physical symptoms.

Other studies reveal that when optimism was used as a prime coping strategy, people were less anxious and had fewer physical symptoms. Witmer & Rich (1983).

So how do we develop the skill of optimism and purpose for our lives?

In studies by Maslow, we learn that having a definite philosophy of life and religion are as important as sunlight, calcium or love is to a person. We cannot live and survive without strong ethical and defined moral standards.

Valuelessness is the ultimate disease of our time. It leads to vague illnesses: apathy, alienation, hopelessness, and cynicism which lead to psychological, physical and social illnesses.

Having a meaningful purpose in life helps us develop optimism. Understanding the value of our beliefs will enable us to develop a moral compass to guide our behavior. Morality guides behavior that can maintain our well-being while reaching out to others with respect and compassion. Religious beliefs and optimism go hand in hand.

Dr. Sydney Sharman, author of “Psychiatry, the Ten Commandments and You” writes:

“Almost half of all patients consult their doctors because of non-organic disease, and almost all of them really do need to consult them or someone! If there were ten times as many qualified and experienced psychiatrists as there are at present, there would not be enough to cope properly with the volume of work.”

The Ten Commandments are just as relevant to man today as they were when first set down on tablets of stone; and they offer the basis for the prevention of and cure for many of man’s neuroses. His thesis was that the Commandments are fundamental laws of life, not just a code produced by an ancient religious and political leader.

So what do you believe in?  What creates purpose and meaning for your life?  Where have you placed God in the values and principles you choose to live by? Are the tenants of faith producing the optimism and hope that drives both meaning and purpose for your life?

 Marlene Anderson

“Moses climbed from the plains of Moab to Mount Nebo, the peak of Pisgah facing Jericho. God showed him all the land. . .” Deut 34 (The Message)

Life requires determination, struggle and hard work. We are constantly learning new ways to adapt to the challenges put before us.

At times it seems we are going nowhere, pushing against a proverbial stone that won’t budge. We push and push and struggle and struggle and just when we are ready to give up, the stone moves and keeps moving. Exposed before us is a land of continued opportunity. We are energized and motivated once more.

Life has its ups and downs. And just when we think the challenges in front of us are too much, God gives us that extra spurt of energy, that reserve strength and from a deep well within us we draw upon our determination and resolve.

No matter what the challenge – no matter what the loss you have endured – no matter how much you want to give up – hang in there.

When I was grieving the loss of my husband I struggled to believe life could have purpose and meaning again. Acceptance and letting go were new skills I needed to master. Developing a new focus for my life was challenging.

Just when I thought life would never hold happiness and satisfaction again, I found myself at a new peak – on top of a mountain. When I looked back I could see the twists and turns it took to get here – the black canyons and deep abysses and steep trails that God had installed guard rails of protection. There had been resting places along the way. There were many times I wasn’t sure where my new path would take me.

Applying the skills I had learned earlier in life, I realized that God would provide the vision, the will and the strength needed to reach whatever new mountain top I needed to climb.

In our journey through life, we often forget that the God who created and loves us walks with us every day. We are often oblivious to His presence unless we purposely include Him.

Marlene Anderson

“A bit in the mouth of a horse controls the whole horse. A small rudder on a huge ship in the hands of a skilled captain sets a course in the face of the strongest winds. A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything – or destroy it!” James 3 (The Message)

Words – What words do you use?

I am at a writer’s retreat this week working with fellow writers I admire and respect. Every day I work on writing so readers will want to read.

An author uses words to create and “paint” their stories and adventures for their readers, much as a painter uses paints to produce visual scenes of life. A reader can be enlightened, informed, motivated, encouraged or just entertained from words. Fiction writers take you into new worlds as well as enlarging the world we live in. Non fiction writers can open the doors to a better understanding of themselves, their world and God.

The author goes on to say in the same chapter of James, “A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that [set off a forest fire]. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke. . . “

As a psychology teacher and therapist, I am acutely aware of the damage words can have on the lives of individuals. When children hear words of condemnation and constant reprimands, they learn that they are worthless. When discipline is simply punishment without understanding of appropriate behavior and consequences, they learn anger, distrust and dishonesty instead of accountability and responsibility. Adults with deep childhood scars come through the therapy doors every day – it doesn’t matter how far advanced they are in their careers.

The divorce rate continues to rise – in fact, people believe it is easier to live together instead of getting married partly because they believe it is easier to get out of the relationship. It isn’t getting married that causes a high divorce rate – it is choosing a partner with whom you can build a committed relationship. We do not know how to communicate our needs, respect our differences or negotiate our wants.

Words. You do not need to be an author to think about the words you use. Every day the words we use have the ability to destroy people or lift them up and encourage them.

Words can build a relationship or destroy it. They can encourage children to become responsible individuals or become devious and dishonest. They can motivate a person down and out to try again and believe in their God-given talents or skills, or they can tear down and destroy incentive. Honest critique is not the same as destructive criticism with no saving grace.

I am challenged every time I put the pencil to paper or type words on my computer. I challenge you to be as careful in the choice of words you speak to the people in your lives.

Marlene Anderson

When you lose someone or something of importance to you, life has thrown you a curve ball. A part of you dies with your spouse, your child, your dream, your career, your marriage, your childhood, etc. We not only suffer a loss of someone or something, we often feel we have lost our own identity.

It takes work and energy to grieve, to heal, to recover from the emotional and psychological wounds just as it takes energy to heal from physical wounds. Then it takes energy to start over again – not just continuing with life as usual, but beginning anew.

We suffer many losses throughout our lifetime – most of them small cuts and bruises and with the application of appropriate band aids, we go on as usual. But when the losses have accumulated to avalanche proportion or we have suffered a major hit that leaves huge crater like holes in our hearts, it takes more than just resolve to move forward.

Loss opens the door to change – in fact it literally tears the door down. And no matter how much we want to close that door again so we can go on with life as it used to be, it is now impossible. We can’t stay where we were – and we don’t want to go through the door to a new reality.

Like losses, we experience many transitions in our lifetime. Major ones include entering kindergarten or first grade, leaving home, getting married, becoming parents, etc. Even those transitions that we embrace hold an element of loss within them. Once you have a child, you cannot return to the carefree childless life you had before. Once you are married, your relationship defines your activities and goals. Once you leave home, you cannot return to the security of someone bailing you out if you need it. For some people they never did have that security.

So, even in the normal developmental stages of life, we grieve what we had as we embrace what we enter.

Take the time to grieve.  In the grieving we establish a new balance – a new stability.  Grieving is that “physical therapy” we use for our emotional wounds that help us heal more effectively.

Marlene Anderson