In working through pain, we can discover many blessings
Working through pain in isolation may make the completion of healing more difficult. People who are grieving often feel they don’t want to burden their friends.
But people who love you are also grieving and want to be a support for you. Talk to people. Even if you are uncomfortable talking about your feelings, it is important to put a voice to what you are experiencing. Talking can be therapeutic.
Grief worked out in projects
In an art therapy class I recently attended with other mental health professionals, we saw pictures of art projects (by permission) completed in a healing art therapy class. Individuals struggling with a way to express what they were experiencing used everyday objects and materials to put together collages that represented their loss, their pain and their grief.
Others might choose different mediums to work through their grief. Women make memory quilts; men often work on building something. Oftentimes, it is not the product itself, but the camaraderie of working together with others that allows healing to occur.
Retreat or Support
When animals are injured, they find a safe place to hunker down so they can heal. With the pain of loss, we too just want to curl up into a ball under our blankets to wait for the pain to recede.
While our personalities and style of responding to life may be different, grieving alone can make recovery more difficult. We need others. Not everybody is comfortable in support groups. But our friends can be a great asset to us. They offer a buffer from the intense emotions we struggle with.
Support isn’t just sitting and talking. Support can simply be the physical presence of a friend that offers the opportunity to talk and share as you spend time together.
If you are supporting someone who is grieving, be sensitive to where they are at. Be available, but let them lead. As friends we can offer opportunities to restore in some way a sense of normalcy again.
We need time to retreat from the world in order to reflect, come to terms with our loss and create healing memories. But we also need to engage with our world. Giving of ourselves through volunteer programs has enormous rewards.
In the act of giving we receive. Become a volunteer for a hospital, hospice or other organization that puts you in the lives of others. Even if you are working full time, make time to volunteer. In helping others, we begin to heal ourselves.
Step out and risk
Try something new – join a new group – do something you have never done before. Join a theater group, a book club, a dance class, an art class, a choral group, or take a class at your local community college. You are not only engaging, but challenging the status quo, discovering new interests and meeting new people. It is by stepping out and risking that we work through that transition between endings and new beginnings.
Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC
Mourning a loss is more than just recovering from the shock and intense sorrow of those early weeks and months. Working through the pain takes both time and energy.
Not everyone will experience the same intensity of pain or time it takes to move forward. For me, the death of my husband was so unexpected that none of us were prepared for what his death might mean.
Working through pain doesn’t mean you sit at home and wait for the pain to end. Just like physical therapy helps the body heal, so being proactive in our grieving process helps the human soul and spirit heal.
Here are some things to consider in your journey.
Grieving is not feeling sorry for yourself
When I was struggling with the enormity of my loss shortly after the death of my husband, a friend implied that I was feeling sorry for myself. As a counselor and teacher, I knew enough about grief and loss to take her comments with a grain of salt. Grievers do not want to stay in their pain – they want to heal and recover.
Grievers want empathy rather than pity. Empathy is “the ability to identify with and understand somebody else’s feelings and difficulties.”
Telling someone who is grieving that they just want pity, can add more emotional trauma to their pain and can drive grief underground making it much more difficult to grieve and heal.
During those first weeks and months after a loss, we find ourselves often struggling just to get up in the morning. I was amazed at how depleted my energy was in those early weeks after the death of my husband. For someone who was very organized, energized and proficient in both my career and home life, I found I was only able to work in my office a couple of hours a day taking care of legal and financial obligations.
I often felt like a zombie, putting one foot forward and robotically doing what was required. But as shock wore off and reality sank in, my loss took on more depth and meaning. Thats when grieving really began.
They say it takes about a year for bones to completely heal. I believe it takes much longer for the heart and spirit to heal from a major loss. Part of the grieving process is integrating that loss into the fabric or story of our life. In a world where you are expected to return to work a few days after the loss of a loved one, it is often difficult for people to have time to grieve.
Martin Seligman, PhD, author of, “Authentic Happiness”, writes that studies show there is little correlation between wealth, gender, race, etc. and long-term happiness. As humans, we have an incredible ability to adapt. He goes on to state, however, that studies show we have difficulty “getting used to” or adapting to “some bad events”, citing the death of a child or spouse dying in a car crash. “Four to seven years after such events, bereaved people are still much more depressed and unhappy than controls.”
While our losses may not fall into that category, they may have a similar impact in our lives. Honor your journey and grace yourself time to work through the grieving process.
Getting intense emotions and thoughts out of our head through writing or talking gives them voice and an opportunity to work through them. Journaling is an effective way to give “voice” to what we are experiencing.
Journaling does not have to be a grandiose or complex affair. Just get a spiral notebook, choose a time that is good for you and start writing what you are thinking and feeling. Journaling can give us a way to mark important touchstones or milestones, memories and reflections.
Don’t worry about grammar or correct speech, complete sentences or even paragraphs. Just write. Don’t be concerned about too much or too little. Nobody has to read your journal except you.
Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC
Anger can be a constructive force or a destructive one. We choose.
Anger is a survival mechanism, triggering our flight and fight response to danger. When people feel angry, they want to lash out or attack in some way. Often attached to our anger is a hurt of some kind.
Venting or acting out may release some of anger’s energy in the short term, but it will not take away our anger.
Losses can trigger anger as we protest against the injustice of it all. It may be the untimely death of a loved one, the loss of a job or marriage. In the process, we often build and maintain a grievance that robs us of peace, joy and happiness.
Three things to remember about anger
It is okay to be angry
It is NOT okay to hurt yourself, someone else or anyone’s property
You are responsible for what you do with your anger
Some constructive ways to deal with anger and grief
Admit you feel angry. Denying or pushing it away will only cause it to resurface
Find a healthy way to release the immediate tension of anger. Pound a pillow or go to the gym and work out. Run. Walk. Move until the anger energy is released or reduced. Remember that while anger energy may be reduced, the anger itself still needs to be addressed.
Talk about it. Find a supportive friend, pastor, or other nonjudgmental person who can help clarify your jumble of thoughts and feelings with feedback and validation. Sometimes talking it through will be enough to lay it to rest.
Hanging onto our anger and grievance may feel good in the short term, but is destructive in the long term. Challenge and change how you think about your stituation. Reframing what has happened gives us the opportunity to let go of it. Healing from grief and anger requires acceptance at some point as we come to terms with the senselessness, unfairness and injustice of life.
Bring it to God. If our anger is directed at God, how do we tell Him about it? If we have had negative experiences talking about anger in our past, we may feel that God will treat us the same way: if we talk about our anger we get punished; if we hang on to it, it continues to fester and grow.
I believe God is more capable of handling our anger than we are. The Bible reveals a personal and loving God who understands our foibles and frailities; a God who wants us to come to Him with our questions, doubts and expressions of pain and anger. When we do, we find release, healing and peace.
When we are honest with God, we learn more about ourselves, our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It becomes a clarifying, humbling and transforming experience.
If you are uncomfortable telling God about your pain and anger, use the Psalms as a starting place. The Psalmists came to God with all their problems, complaints and pleas. They also came to worship and praise Him for all the blessings they received.
The Psalmists believed God was a Heavenly Father who cared about every aspect of their life – the good and the bad – the ups and the downs. They felt comfortable telling God whatever was on their heart.
If there is a history of anger in your past, a loss can intensify that anger. If anger continues to dominate your grieving, I encourage you to seek a professional counselor to help work through it.
Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC
Some emotions by their very nature may be more difficult to deal with than others. Anger is one of those emotions that may keep us from being rational when caught in its grip. When the world seems unfair and unjust, we respond with anger. That anger, if channeled appropriately, can be the energy and momentum needed to put in place necessary and important reforms.
Most of us struggle with anger. Parents, in teaching their children to act appropriately when angry, may leave the impression that anger itself is not okay. Christian communities also may give the impression that to feel anger is wrong. But if you are feeling angry, what do you do with it? And if it is not okay to feel angry, and you do, now you feel guilty as well.
Like all our emotions, anger has a purpose. It helps us survive.
In grief and loss, anger is one of the emotions people may experience. Why would we feel angry? While we accept death as a normal part of aging, when death comes to someone still in their prime, young or just beginning life, the injustice and unfairness of it all can be overwhelming and we are left with anger and questions.
“Things like that shouldn’t happen.”
Senselessness violates our belief system of expectations and we have difficulty coming to grips with what has happened. Although it is normal to feel anger in our losses, it doesn’t give us permission to do whatever we want just because we feel angry.
If fate has singled you out as a victim of war, or someone’s stupidity or carelessness has caused an unnecessary and senseless death, or you are struck with a crippling disease or chronic illness, anger may be one of the emotions you experience. Why did this have to happen? What good can possibly come from this senselessness? Sometimes we direct the anger to ourselves.
Attached to all our responsive emotions are thoughts and beliefs that create questions. These are legitimate questions that need to be voiced. Otherwise, we bottle up the emotions attached and they can grow in proportion and become toxic.
Life is not only unfair: it is often cruel and heartless as well
We struggle as human beings with injustice and making sense of what is happening to us. When something just seems wrong or doesn’t make any sense, it is difficult to reconcile with what has happened. A counselor, pastor or even a trusted friend can help you articulate and work through these questions and feeling.
Thursday’s blog will address ways to work through anger.
Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC
What if you had been a victim of past abuse, abandonment, rejection or injustice; or lived with years of misunderstandings or conflict with this person who has now died. So, when that person dies, it might seem as if death has cheated you from finding resolve. Does all that anger and resentment get buried with the person or will that bitterness continue to be a part of your life?
Death doesn’t automatically release us from our resentment. As with any “grievance” we might have, however legitimate it may be, if we hang onto that grievance, we are the ones who continue to suffer from it.
It can be difficult to work through unresolved conflicts by ourselves and a trained therapist or pastor might be able to assist you. (Upcoming blogs will focus on the importance of forgiveness).
If you are experiencing conflicted emotions with the loss of someone with whom you had unresolved issues, consider the following questions.
• How did my past involvement with this individual create the pain I am now feeling?
• When did my anger and resentment begin?
• What other emotions is my anger covering up?
• What is preventing me from letting go of my grievance from the past?
• What part of my anger and resentment do I want to hang on to and why?
• How are the losses from my past keeping me locked in continued feelings of resentment and anger today?
• What unanswered questions from the past continue to influence my current feelings of anger and betrayal, rejection, neglect, abandonment or neglect?
John James and Russell Friedman in their book, The Grief Recovery Handbook, laid out a program to work through our past relationship losses so we complete our “grief recovery”. They, along with others, have suggested writing a letter to the individual you no longer have contact with in person. Although we no longer have the opportunity to share our thoughts and feelings in person, we can write them a letter.
Address the letter to that person by name: Dear . . ., and write down all the things you may have wanted to say to him or her. What do you want that person to know? How did that person hurt you? What did you want from that person? Read it several times to be sure you have written everything you want to say.
Ask a trusted friend if they would listen as you read your letter out loud. Tell your friend you just want them to listen and be present as you read. Their nonjudgmental support is all that is needed. After you have read your letter, make a conscious and purposeful choice to let go of all the resentment. Then burn the letter and scatter the ashes to the wind. As you do, “see” your bitterness disappear with the ashes. Experience the peace of letting go.
Now, write a letter to yourself. Address it to you. In this letter, tell yourself why you no longer want to hang onto the grievances of the past. Tell yourself the reasons why you felt angry and bitter and why it is no longer necessary for you to hang onto those feelings. Write down how good it feels to be free of all those toxic emotions. Explore ways you will be able to live a happier and more productive life with this freedom. You are no longer held in the grips of your past.
Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC
When we hear on the news of senseless shootings or tragic accidents where innocent victims are killed, our first thoughts may be “why” or “how could this happen”; often followed with “what if”. What if I hadn’t let my teen go to that party, or what if. . .
Senseless tragedies are emotionally charged events that beg answers to our questions. But in the not-so-charged arena of life, we also ask questions of ourselves about our losses, especially the “what if’s” of our decisions that leave us with lingering doubts, guilt and anger.
Working through guilt
Guilt is an emotion that helps us correct behaviors. It indicates we have done something wrong and we need to make amends. Guilt along with shame helps us say we’re sorry. But when faced with an irretrievable loss, we may be plagued with a guilt that is misplaced, blown out of proportion or not even applicable to the situation.
What if I hadn’t put my wife in a nursing home, would she have died with family around her; what if I hadn’t said such hurtful things; what if my friend lived and I had died; what if I had realized the depth of his despair, would I have been able to prevent the suicide? What if. . . The list is endless.
Coming to terms with our loss means we come to terms with ourselves as human beings. If the guilt is appropriate to the event, such as driving drunk and hurting somebody, then guilt is an important precursor to turning your life around. Hanging on to guilt beyond its purpose, however, will not change the past and beating yourself up will not bring you peace. Forgiveness enables us to take positive action instead of remaining in a past we cannot change.
When we feel guilt disproportionate to any actions we may have taken, or because we couldn’t know the future, guilt can become toxic. Caring individuals often take more responsibility than is either appropriate or realistic for what is happening.
We cannot change the past; but we can change our responses. If you are feeling disproportionate guilt over a loss, ask yourself the following questions.
• Could I really have done something different?
• What information do I have today that I didn’t have back then?
• Am I taking responsibility for things that were out of my control?
• Am I trying to be responsible for other people’s actions?
• Is my guilt a way to ease some of the pain I feel without having to correct something?
• Is it keeping me from grieving my loss, letting go and moving forward?
Making sense of what happened often means coming to terms with what doesn’t make sense. Acceptance means we stop struggling for answers we may never get. Acceptance means we give ourselves permission to let go without answers.
While it is appropriate and necessary to question, sometimes all we can do is accept that we make mistakes, others make mistakes, accidents can be tragic and there may be no rhyme or reason to it. We can use our emotional responses to propel us forward in positive ways. In the end, however, acceptance is the realization we are human and live in a less than okay world.
Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC
Grief and loss can trigger a whole range of complex and sometimes conflicting emotions: anger and joy – sadness and happiness – guilt and relief. Some of the more intense emotions might provoke a barrage of questions: Is it normal to feel this way? And if it is, how do I deal with it.
While it is natural and normal to experience a whole range of emotions, how we respond to them may help or hinder our grief process.
If losses are connected to random acts of violence, accidents, suicide or any unreasonable death we may be left with questions of “why”, “what if” or “if only” followed by intense feelings of anger, confusion, guilt, anxiety, fear and remorse. In the death of a loved one, children often feel somehow that they were responsible and don’t know how to articulate that guilt.
Why? Why did it happen? Why did you allow it God? Why did he/she have to die? Why was I left behind? Why did I survive? Anger can devour us as we try to find answers to unanswerable questions.
While we need to ask our questions, at some point acceptance is required; there may not be any answers or the answers will be incomplete.
What if…… What if I had done something different, what if I hadn’t been so abrasive, what if I had insisted he go to the doctor earlier, what if I hadn’t let my teen drive my car that night, what if….
If only. . . . If only I hadn’t been so angry when she left that morning, if only I had told him how much I loved him, if only I had listened, if only I had tried harder, if only I had been there when he died. If only. . .
It is not uncommon to grieve the actions we might have taken or words we might have said or wish we could take back. The “if only’s” like the “what if’s” can keep us stuck in guilt. At such times we need to remind ourselves that it is always easier to look backward.
We do the best we can at any moment in time. While that is not an excuse for bad behavior, it is an awareness that even in making grievous mistakes, there is the need to acknowledge our humanness and offer forgiveness and grace. Otherwise we get stuck in a revolving and non-ending cycle of guilt, anger and pain
How? How will I make it? How will I be able to make a new life for myself? How will I manage? How will I ever be happy again? How will life have any meaning again?
Anxiety and fear motivate us to find solutions. But when we get stuck in the feelings, we are unable to take that next step into the unknown and risk trying new options.
Again, while we might not find answers to our questions, it is important to voice them. In the asking we are able to work through them to find a way to come to terms with them and lay them to rest.
When we become stuck in the unending stream of questions, what if’s, if only’s and why’s, our grief is extended. My next blogs will explore these further.
©2012 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC
Grieving requires work and our participation so we can heal.