Years ago my husband and I were fortunate enough to live and work in England. We lived in a charming little town about thirty miles outside London. While my husband worked for DODDS, I commuted to London to work.
I remember vividly my initiation to their weather. I left home under a cloudless, sunny sky. Forty-five minutes later as I was leaving the Underground train station in London to walk to work, the sky had changed from beautiful blue to dark clouds that suddenly opened up in a torrential rain. Before I could make it to work I was thoroughly drenched.
Now I knew why I saw so many British people carrying umbrellas. They obviously knew more about the weather patterns than I did and left home prepared for the possibility that it might rain.
Life has a way of turning from bright blue skies to dark ominous rain clouds in the twinkling of an eye. One minute you are busy working and enjoying life and the next you find yourself drenched from an unexpected turn of events. And you’re not sure whether you should laugh or cry.
Coming to work with your clothes drenched from unexpected rain does not make a pleasant day at work. Yet I remember thinking how totally like a drowned cat I looked like and I couldn’t help but laugh.
I learned that day that when I laugh at events that otherwise would make me angry or mad, I find it much easier to deal with whatever challenge has been placed before me. And its much more fun.
Humor is good for the soul, the attitude and your life in general.
When faced with death, loss, trauma or any unwanted ending, our core beliefs about life come under scrutiny. Questions about life and death and our role in it are generated.
Each of us, no matter what our faith or lack of it, will be challenged by the death of something valuable and meaningful to us. It can be the death of a person, a marriage, or our physical health.
In our losses, upsets and tragedies, we come face to face with our own mortality – what we can and cannot do and what we believe or don’t believe.
Grieving losses take time and energy. It’s hard work. Our desire to be out of pain becomes overwhelming at times; we want relief and we want it now. We are like the man in the desert dying from thirst. When given water, he gulps it down and quickly holds out his cup for more.
In our desire to return to a world of stability, we try to gulp down enough comfort, hope and peace to make it happen right away. At times it seems as though we have a hole in our cup and the wellbeing we crave drains out as fast as it is poured in.
So it is with prayers. “God fix me. Give me that shot of spiritual morphine to deaden this pain – that elixir of life to make everything okay again.” But that’s not how God works and that’s not how the world works.
Just like all the journeys we make in life, there is a process, meeting the challenges each day and slowly working through them. We can either draw closer to God during this time or push Him away.
Do prayers help?
Scientific research has shown that prayer has a healing influence in the medical arena, even when the recipient is unaware he is being prayed for. I know in my own life, I wouldn’t be where I am today without the faith to work through my struggles.
We need more than just positive thinking or determination to work through the losses in our life. We need the strength, hope and healing power of a God who loves us more than we can begin to fathom.
It is easy to get discouraged. When we feel no relief, it may seem as though prayers and questions remain unanswered. Does He hear and answer our prayers? Why don’t I feel better?
We all want that immediate response from God. But I found that when I left my pain and depressed spirit with God each morning I was given what was needed for that day.
Your idea of prayer may be different than mine. For me, prayer is not some religious ritual but a relationship. Prayer is a part of my internal dialogue – streaming of consciousness and thought. Just as in other close relationships, sometimes nothing needs to be said –there is simply a deep understanding.
You might not feel comfortable with the whole concept of prayer. If however, you have a belief in God, or want to believe, you may want to start a conversation. Begin by closing your eyes and seeing yourself having a conversation with your closest friend. Then see God as your closest friend.
What would you like to say to God if He were right there in front of you? What worries and concerns would you like to ask Him to help you with? Maybe you want to tell God about your anger and doubts but are afraid to tell Him you are angry with Him. Just tell Him as it is. Be honest. He knows all about it anyway.
And as you step out to start that relationship with God, remember that God loves you just as you are. It is not a love you earn. It is a gift.
We choose to pick the memories we want to focus on.
There are those moments of sweetness and revealing truth and generosity of spirit as well as those that involve thoughtless decisions, hurtful comments and painful neglect. We don’t forget one over the other – we don’t increase one’s importance over the other.
As we learn life’s truth and reality we also learn to forgive the ugly or difficult parts and use the ones of love and redeeming beauty as the building blocks of our life. We choose to become bitter or we choose to see God’s enduring creation and our ability to build on that creation.
As I work on my manuscript, From Winter to Spring, I am reminded of how often throughout our lifetime we are required to make an ending.
It isn’t just when death enters our sphere of existence, but when we leave one timeline behind and enter a new time zone.
Endings close a door to the past. It’s crossing the River Jordan into a new world.
When the children of Israel reached the banks of the roaring Jordan River after wandering forty years in the desert because they weren’t willing to cross that river the first time, they were once again faced with a choice.
Do I go back to the desert I am familiar with, or do I cross into a land that holds promise and a new way of life? This can be scary because we knew the desert we were in; we don’t know what lies ahead of us. And intuitively we know we are not going back.
Change requires making an ending that closes one chapter of our life so we can start a new one. Sometimes we initiate that ending. Its when we didn’t initiate it that we hold the door open as long as we can in case we want to go back to what was predictable. Sometimes we put a door stop in it as we cautiously move forward toward a new reality so we can go back if we want to. But there is no going back. An ending is just that – an ending.
Endings can create questions, uncertainty and anxiety. I know who I was – who am I now? I was comfortable in my old existence, will I be as comfortable now? I knew what to expect before this change; but I don’t know what to expect in the new reality I am stepping into.
As we shift our focus from the past to the future we have the opportunity to learn new things about ourselves – not just who we were but who we can become.
Spend some time alone reflecting and exploring during this transitonal time period between ending and new beginning. It is here where we make new discoveries about ourselves, explore new options and create new goals.
It is estimated that a major life transition can take anywhere from eighteen months to four years to complete. We often get impatient and want to quickly move forward. But if we do, we lose the opportunity to grieve our ending, discover new dimensions of ourselves and use them as the building blocks for any new beginning.
How easy it is to complain about this and that – what is working – what is not – what others are doing or not doing or should be doing, how tough life has become, etc. Complaining is such a normal way to take the pressure off life, especially when it seems we have so little control over things.
But when complaining becomes a habit, we find ourselves stuck in problems we do not want, situations that are not working and waiting for somebody else to find solutions.
When we find fault with everything, there is no longer a balance between what is working and what is not. When we allow these attitudes to become pervasive, we no longer look for solutions. After a while we cannot see anything positive in our lives – everything is no good.
So, I try to remember to ask myself when something isn’t working, what can I do to correct it? Am I simply venting or am I avoiding problems that I can do something about? Am I developing a habit of complaining and avoidance? Does complaining keep me from doing the hard work of defining problems and looking for solutions?
When I look for the balance in life I see all the blessings I have and am reminded that there are so many problems that I can resolve if I only take the time to stop and search for solutions.
When we stop and think calmly and carefully about how we live our lives and what influences our decision making and behaviors, it can have a sobering effect. In that process we are confronted with ourselves.
There is an instinctive tendency to blame others, circumstances or events for all the things that have gone wrong in our lives, the opportunities missed or to support all the reasons why we didn’t accomplish what we wanted while embellishing all the things we have done right and how good we are.
Somewhere in-between we will find a more accurate reality. There are many things outside our control or ability to change or influence. We will have advantages and will encounter disadvantages.
We are a composite of traits, abilities and complex ways we use to analyze, understand and solve life’s problems. We have weaknesses and strengths. The ability to recognize both helps us to balance our responses to life in a more productive and constructive way.
Periodically reflecting on where we are in life’s journey gives us a new opportunity to examine the choices we make, our motives behind those choices, and the progress we have made.
When we face our vulnerabilities, weaknesses and shortcomings, we are no longer governed or controlled by them. In becoming honest we can let go of things that don’t work and replace them with ways that do.
We are not a prisoner to habits of thinking and doing unless we choose to be.
Adversity, no matter what its causes, will challenge us to re-think how we view the world and ourselves. It will confront us with our deficits, inadequacies, shortcomings, and lack of skill development. But it will also reveal our strengths, emotional toughness, resilience and abilities yet to be developed.
Life is a process with many ups and downs where we will be challenged and confronted. But it can be the best of times because we will get to know ourselves.
In my workshop on Celebrate Your Life Story, participants take time to reflect and identify the milestones in their lives that have helped make them who they are today.
Milestones are those events, experiences and critical people that along with our personality traits help shape and mold our perceptions and responses to the world, our self-image and self-worth, expectations and assumptions, and the rules we choose to live by. Your milestones will be different from mine or anyone else’s.
It is here within our life story, where we find lessons learned and wisdom gained; where we discover old wounds that need to be healed, grievances and resentments that need to be forgiven and outdated rigid beliefs challenged and replaced.
It is within our life story where we become aware of God’s presence in our lives, discover our gifts and are able to better appreciate and evaluate the challenges we have had.
But it is an exercise we can do periodically without going to a workshop that will help us appreciate the progress we have made, the hard work it has taken and give thanks for the blessings we have experienced in the midst of our challenges.
Take time out and reflect on all you have done this past week or month – the extra mile you have walked – the extra push to complete an unwanted task – the phone call to listen and support a friend going through tough times when you are struggling yourself. We would rather forget our tough times and focus only on those that were happy – those moments of joy.
But it is in the tough times where we have developed strength and character, learned humility, compassion and grace. It is where we develop a stronger and trusting relationship with God.
As I prepare for a speech I am giving at a women’s luncheon this Wednesday on Celebrate Your Life Story, I am reminded again of how easy it is to get discouraged when adversities pile high and we are exhausted and ready to give up.
Yet it is precisely at those times when God will give us that extra strength, that extra determination, to pick ourselves up and take that next step.
Within in our life story, we often focus only on those bright spots when we are experiencing happy times free of worry and stress. Yet, our daily routines are usually less colorful. Instead they are muted and often boring and sometimes tedious.
Can we bring more life and energy to those daily routines? Here are some antidotes for depression and gloom and that feeling of stagnation.
1. Check your attitude as soon as you get out of bed. What are you saying to yourself?
2. Every day find something new and positive in your life, your work, whatever situation you are in
3. Find one new way to change boring and tedious to varied and interesting
4. Before you leave home, check your attitude again. It is usually reflected in the mirror. Are you wearing a perpetual frown? Are the frown lines of worry increasing while the smile lines decreasing?
5. Tell yourself this is the day that God has made and He will show you how to look at it from His eyes.
Life is not easy. It requires hard work and determination. But most of all, it requires an attitude that looks for ways to turn adversities into growth. We can turn tedious and boring days into ones where we anticipate good things.
I love to display pictures around my house that are snapshots of family, grandchildren and places where I have traveled. Some are hung on walls – others stand on tables and cabinets.
It took many trips to the store to find the right frames and mats that would both enhance and showcase these pictures. I also had to decide where I was going to hang or display them.
Each picture held within it how it might be framed. Some required a wide mat and tiny frame – some the reverse. Some pictures needed to be cropped to highlight the most important part of the picture. Colors and hues of mats all contributed to bringing out the best. The combinations were endless, but I eventually found the right combination for each one.
In much the same way we frame the experiences and events in our life. We choose how we want to frame them – which parts will be highlighted – which parts will be eliminated or deemed unimportant. Some frames will hold several pictures that create a montage of events. Others will highlight God’s blessings.
We can frame events in whatever way we want. Negative, tragic or unpleasant events can be framed in growth and development or in dissappointment, resentment and bitterness.
We choose the pictures. We choose the frames. We choose how to display their importance. We choose how we will frame or re-frame our life experiences to develop opportunities and gratitude.
Core beliefs are put in place while we are still children. We create a frame of reference through which we make sense of our world, what is expected, what we can and cannot do. Within our frame of reference are all the life experiences, personality traits, feelings, labels, relationships and reactions we have made.
When we are given and accept as truth abstract labels and comments that are defiling and degrading, an internal negative critic is developed that continues to remind us how bad we are. This critic is judgmental and restrictive. When those negative tapes are triggered and played over and over, we not only believe them but they become self-fulfilling prophecies.
When we stop listening to those old critical tapes, we can enlarge our frames of reference, and let go of restrictive and limiting attitudes.
Within adversity and losses we have the opportunity to enlarge our frame of reference about what we are able to accomplish. As we challenge negative core beliefs, outdated scripts and shameful self talk, we have the opportunity to become more of who we are.
Losses are an opportunity to discard many old scripts that tell us what we have to do, must do, or should and ought to do and gain a new perspective – a new interpretation of “me”.
Make a decision to take charge of your life. You will make the goals that are right for you and you will assume responsibility for them. As you refuse to be a victim and refuse to play the blame game, you will find ways to activate your personal power and make the changes that will improve your life.
Marlene Anderson
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Years ago my husband and I were fortunate enough to live and work in England. We lived in a charming little town about thirty miles outside London. While my husband worked for DODDS, I commuted to London to work.
