Part of the grieving process is not only letting go of the life that was, but involves creating a new reality. Throughout our lifetime we experience losses that require new adjustments. For most of our losses, the momentary twinges of sadness give way to exciting new possibilities.
But when we have experienced the death of someone we loved as much as life itself, our life shuts down, in shock. The world we knew has been irretrievably altered. One minute we are happily going about the business of life – the next we are trying to absorb what has happened.
With any loss, life does not allow us to remain frozen in time, hoping that events will reverse itself and everything will be okay again. Even before the shock wears off, we are required to go back to work and provide for our families. And in-between going about the business of life, we try to reconcile our grief and transition into a new reality.
Holidays and other important dates can be extremely difficult especially in the early stages of a loss. Here are some things that might help the process.
- Accept invitations of family and friends. We may want to just retreat from the world. Yet it is precisely at these times when we need the support of others; even if we don’t think we will be good company. Share stories about the person who is no longer with you. Help friends join a conversation about good times and good memories. It’s okay to laugh through the tears.
- Take personal time to grieve. It’s okay to hold personal conversations with the person you loved. Write a special letter to him or her. Hang a special ornament on the tree. Journal, opening your heart and emotions onto paper. Allow yourself to cry. Then do something positive and pleasant.
- Make peace with what has happened. It is okay to be angry about events; but use anger to propel you forward in a constructive way. Part of grief work may be forgiveness as you let go.
- Find something good every day. It could be the recognition of good friends or people who reach out to you. Perhaps it is a new awareness of the strengths you have. Good things can occur even from the worst of tragedies if we remain open to them.
- Honor your grief. Remember, it takes time to heal – don’t be on someone else’s time frame for grief. Resist using drugs or alcohol to keep from feeling pain. We heal as we go through the pain. Create new positive traditions that represent your new life.
At this Christmas time, allow God to reveal all the little blessings currently smothered by pain. Immerse yourself in the good memories. May His love and peace heal your wounded heart. Merry Christmas.
Marlene Anderson, LMHC, NCC