How Heavy is Your Problem?

Posted January 20, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

A professor was giving a lecture to his students on stress management. He raised a glass of water and held it up in the air. Then he asked the class, “How heavy do you think this glass of water is?” The students’ answers ranged from 20g to 500g.

To which the professor replied, “Does it matter how absolute the weight is or does it matter how long you hold it before it becomes a heavy burden?

If I hold this glass of water for a minute, it won’t be too heavy. But if I hold it for an hour, I will have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it all day, you may have to take me to ER. It is the exact same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

We are created with a huge capacity to do impossible things, carry many burdens, and resolve difficult problems. When we appropriately use the stress energy we were designed to use to accomplish things, obstacles won’t become impossible burdens. Instead we will grow stronger.

However, if we carry our problems and burdens and never put them down, we will become exhausted. Eventually our bodies will begin to break down under the strain and we will suffer mentally and physically.

Just like the glass of water that becomes heavier and heavier the longer we hold it; your problems will get heavier and heavier. If you put it down from time to time, rest in between, or figure out ways to hold it up, you can go on for a long time. You may even decide it isn’t worth holding at all.

What continues to stress you, worry you or cause you constant concern or anxiety? What burdens or problems are you carrying around all the time?

Part of making our stress work for us, is figuring out what kinds of stressors are creating distress, and find ways to either eliminate them or turn them into positive action.

Stop and think about what you are carrying around in your mind all the time that is getting heavier and heavier and harder and harder to hold. Is it time to put it down?

Marlene Anderson

Something New

Posted January 15, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

It is so much fun to have something new: a new job, new clothes, new adventures, or a new vision for the rest of your life. But along with the excitement and anticipation also come doubts and fears.

What if what I am attempting to do fails? What if I haven’t prepared enough? What if. . . Anything new has its thrilling and daunting moments.

Here We Go

I am stepping out with a new website! Yes, it is still called Focus with Marlene. But it has a new face – a new heading – a new presentation.

“Let’s Talk” is my new format that replaces “The Counselor is In.” Old blogs are still stored with instant access. While I will continue to write and speak about life strategies, I want to expand on past topics and talk about new concerns.

Over the years I have written and continue to speak about the “what if’s”, fears and apprehensions we have and ways to overcome them. I am not immune from these everyday occurrences anymore than you are. I too experience doubts and insecurities and struggle to solve problems. It is part of being human.

But as a psychology major, teacher and licensed therapist, I have at my disposal ongoing education and training that I can apply to my own life and which I enjoy sharing with others along with my own personal experiences. For example, in my current manuscript, “From Winter to Spring”, I share my story of loss along with clinical ways to recover, heal and make a transition to a new reality.

“Let’s Talk”

I invite you to join me in conversations about life, change, problems, loss, stress and ways to overcome any adversity you may encounter. Some of your concerns will be similar to mine – others will not. As we explore options, your voice can be added to mine and others as we share common goals.

What concerns are you facing right now?

What concerns are impacting your life: family, relationships, losses, stress, pressure at work? Let me know. What topics would you like to have blogs address? Sign up to receive my blogs and e-newsletters. I appreciate and read all your comments. I will be adding blogs from time to time that will feature a book, story or author who might be of interest to you.

If you would like to have a free no-obligation personal needs assessment, send me an e-mail. And be sure to sign up to receive your free e-newsletter that will be going out the first of each month.

Marlene Anderson

2015 – Here We Come

Posted January 8, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

The tree is down – the decorations stored for another year. And I am excited about a new year, building on what was started last year and in previous years.

Are you ready to start a new year with excitement and motivation, continuing to work on on-going goals as well as new ones?

For me, I find it helps to reflect on the prior year’s accomplishments and evaluate successes and failures.

What good intentions did I have but never got around to starting? What goals did I make and start but never completed? What kept me from completing them? Was it lack of motivation? Had I thought through carefully what I wanted to accomplish? What can I learn about myself that can help me this year?

With the goals I did complete, what kept me motivated when the going got tough? How can I apply these same strategies to my goals this year? Are there changes I need to make in my lifestyle, my thinking, and behavior and belief patterns that can increase my success rate?

So what did I learn?

Most of my goals are on-going where progress is measured on a continual basis, such as my goal to become a better writer. A manuscript I have been working on is being edited, two stories I wrote were published in two separate books and a third story is in the publication process. I completed my first non-fiction novella. Blogging continues to challenge and improve my writing skills.

This next year I want to devote more quality time to writing, developing and presenting workshops, speaking engagements and connecting with other writers. I also want to continue supervising which gives me the opportunity to continue to learn new therapies, new science breakthroughs in psychology and neurobiology and follow the healing process of clients.

While I thrive in the realm of psychology and human relations, technology, however, continues to challenge me. But I have made progress there as well and purchased my first I-phone – which I must confess I use more for a camera than a phone. But I have made progress in taking those tiny steps in building a broader base from which learning will become easier.

This past year was full of commitments with an aggressive schedule. Applying the knowledge I have gained over the years about problem solving and remaining focused, I was able to keep distress to a minimum. During the remainder of this month, I will be sharing through my blogs strategies that can help you maximize the energy from stress to accomplish things while diminishing distress.

Singing and music is very important to me. I am fortunate to sing under the direction of talented and dedicated conductors. Music heals the soul and lifts the spirit. Along with singing, I have been blessed by a bible study time shared with women who enjoy digging into the Word and sharing thoughts and applications and wisdom. It is in the Word where we are grounded in moral truths that affect every aspect of living. These are two areas in my life where I not only will continue but hope to continue growing.

2015: Here We come.

I am ready to continue for the new year. How about you? Take a moment and reflect on all the progress you have made. Learn from your unsuccessful endeavors. Apply the new insights gained to the goals of this upcoming year. Reach out to others and offer them the support and assistance they might need. Share your struggles and successes. Together, let’s make this the best year ever.

Marlene Anderson

New Resolution – Replace Bad Habits

Posted January 3, 2015 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

At the beginning of each New Year, we dutifully make our resolutions and hope we will meet them. “This year I am determined to . . . I resolve never to eat fattening cookies or cupcakes. . . I will stick to my diet and lose those pounds. . . I promise to be nice to people I don’t like. . . ” and the list goes on and on. In the end, however, while we may accomplish some of our good intentions, too often our resolutions go down in defeat along with our will power and at the end of yet another year we say, well maybe next year I’ll do better.

We are creatures of habit. We do the things that are expedient, easy and give us some immediate, pleasurable reward that make us feel good in the moment. Those habits usually are not the ones that keep us healthy, happy or successful over time.

To make life changes that will benefit us in the long term, we have to find a way to motivate ourselves when we don’t experience the benefit of the goal right away. We don’t succeed with those long-term goals because the immediate rewards aren’t strong enough. So we rationalize why we didn’t follow through.

Progress of any kind is a process of taking little steps forward. Break your goals down into doable stages.

For example: if you hate to exercise but know you need to, start by scheduling ten or fifteen minute walks every day. Be persistent and consistent with the time commitment and follow through. Everybody can take a ten to fifteen minute time out from the busyness of work. But we may sabotage ourselves if we start out on a grandiose exercise program at the gym. When you start enjoying those breaks, increase time or expand your exercise program.

Habits cannot just be stopped – they need to be replaced.

Give yourself time as well as some kind of immediate reward so you won’t give up. Monitor what you say to yourself. Repeat affirmations regarding your goal every day. When you want to give up tell yourself, “I can do this” or “I only have 5 minutes left”. Replace the “should’s” (I really should exercise more) and the “must’s” (I must lose some weight) with “I want to do this”. Make it a deliberate choice. Work on one habit at a time so you won’t get stressed, lose motivation and quit.

Be honest with yourself.

If you aren’t serious about making a commitment to work on a habit, don’t start. It takes time for change to happen and become a comfortable new habit. In the process, we will stumble and fall short. But we can pick ourselves up and start over each time we do. We do not need to rationalize or berate ourselves. We simply start again.

Marlene Anderson, MA

Try it on for the best fit – Final Steps to Problem Solving

Posted December 30, 2014 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

When I go through department stores, I am constantly on alert for that good bargain or unique pair of pants or top I might enjoy wearing. If something grabs my attention, I hold it up in front of me in a nearby mirror to do a quick assessment. Does the color look good? Do I like the lines of the garment? What draws my attention to it from all the others on the rack? If I still like it after a quick evaluation I will try it on.

It is only after I have tried it on, however, that I will know whether it is right for me. Does it look as good on me as it did on the quick preview? Many times after I put the garment on, I discover it looks completely different. The cut is all wrong, the color isn’t as complimentary as I thought, and it isn’t comfortable even though it is my size. While I still like it, it isn’t for me.

In the final steps of problem solving, look over your list of options, make a choice, implement it and then follow up with an assessment. When I choose an option I think will be the solution to my problem, it is only after I “try it on” will I find out whether it is the right choice for me. It might seem to be the right answer on paper, but may not work out the way I thought it would.

If not, go back and look at your choices again. Do a new assessment. Have I identified the problem accurately? What new information from this process can help refine the problem and it outcome.

For example, is this really your problem or does it belong to somebody else? If it is yours, then keep trying different possibilities. If it isn’t, focus on how you are responding to your situation. This can be a valuable time to discover more about yourself. When I try on clothes, the bulges, extra weight and changing profile that I would rather forget are revealed. Our solutions to problems can also be revealing.

If your problem involves other people, remember that each person involved needs to be included in the implementation in some way. Has everyone been honest about how they feel? Has everyone agreed to try out this potential solution and are they willing to move forward? Who evaluates whether the problem has been solved? How will you know if it is a successful solution?

It is easy to get discouraged, when after doing the preliminary work you find that the choice you’ve made isn’t working like you thought it might. Don’t give up. Refine, revise or throw it out if necessary. If others are involved, negotiate.

After executing the best solution, ask yourself, has my problem been resolved? How do you know? If it is working, what makes it work? Be specific. In complex solutions that require a longer time frame, this follow up helps to keep you on track or to continue to refine both problem and solution.

There is always some kind of solution to our problems. That solution may simply be an internal one that asks for a change in attitude and response in a different way. We aren’t able to make everything happen the way we want. Sometimes, what we learn in problem solving is a greater understanding and acceptance of ourselves and others.

Marlene Anderson

Peace on Earth

Posted December 24, 2014 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

I love the Christmas season: the smell of burning candles and pine boughs, Christmas cards that continue to connect me with old friends and music that fills all the tattered and worn places of the heart and spirit. I love the afterglow when family and friends have returned home after a special day of celebration.

It is Christmas Eve. Christmas cards that proclaim our desire for peace and hope are displayed on my mantle. Yet, as it has for centuries, the world remains in rebellion, revolts and war. Peace – Hope: are these things truly possible?

Each year, we are given the opportunity to pause and reflect on what Christmas means to us. For Christmas isn’t just about pretty bows, celestial music and lights that decorate trees and houses; it is about a gift given to us by God, a gift that involved sacrifice and love. Who can fathom such a God who loves us so much He would be willing to send His Son to die for us.

As we open our gifts, scattering wrapping paper and bows everywhere, will we recognize the gift God has given us among the packages and as we celebrate this special time? And what will we do with the gift God has given us? Will we put it on a shelf somewhere with other gifts we don’t know what to do with? Or will we unwrap its many layers throughout the coming year.

The peace and hope we long for doesn’t begin with negotiations to end wars on foreign fronts. It isn’t found in governments that write peace treaties. It can only be found in the gift God gave us, which when applied, has the ability to transform our hearts and lives. The choice is ours. Do we use the gift given to each of us or discard it with crumbled paper and smashed bows?

Marlene Anderson

Problem Solving – Step 3 – Evaluate and Choose

Posted December 11, 2014 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

You have identified the problem, looked at it from different positions and expanded it to include all possible contributing factors. In the process, you have compared it to other problems you may have had and resolved; then proceeded to compile a list of possible solutions.

As you brainstormed and generated possibilities, fresh ideas were inserted into your list without preliminary judgment or comparisons. With inspiration exhausted, the time has now come to evaluate and prioritize.

Which are relevant and helpful to your situation? Which might point to another possibility you hadn’t thought of yet? In this step, do not preclude your initial inclinations to cross off any ideas that in this moment may seem too useless or inappropriate.

Go through your list and put a number one by those that seem the most practical. Then go back and continue to prioritize them in order of importance to you. Look again at choices that may seem to be contradictory or illogical with what you want. Sometimes our answers are hidden in paradoxes.

For example, how can I put something away and not put it away at the same time? Hanging earrings on a bedroom wall is both storing and displaying them. The same is true with a wall mounted rack to hang and “store” knifes kitchen.

Give yourself permission to think outside the box. Take your choices and begin to look at them in different ways. Allow yourself to formulate a fresh perspective of the problem and potential solutions.

Play devil’s advocate. See your position from an alternative point of view. For example, as a writer, I review what I have written from my perspective. However, to become a published author the material requires seeing it from the eyes of a reader, an editor and a publisher.

When working on a communication problem, you are not only looking at the communication breakdown and how that is experienced by the different people involved, but also considering what the other wants in terms of resolution. Without that, any intervention that you think will resolve the problem can only create more problems.

Now go back over your list and write beside each option the pros and cons connected with it. What would be the short term and long term results? What would happen if you chose this option? What would happen if didn’t choose it?

Before trying on one of the solutions, step number four, visualize how each of the possibilities may play out in reality.

Marlene Anderson

Problem Solving

Posted December 6, 2014 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

What problems do you want to solve? Follow the blogs.

Problem Solving – Step 2

Posted December 6, 2014 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Once we have accurately identified the problem, we can begin looking for solutions. Step two in problem solving allows us to tap into our creativity and think of choices to consider.

Step 2: Generate a List of Possible Solutions

This is not the place to limit your thinking. Make a list of anything that comes to your mind without pre-judging any of them.

In this brainstorming phase, all ideas are initially accepted no matter how outrageous they may seem. There is plenty of time afterwards to evaluate – in this step, just generate as many ideas as you can. Write down whatever comes to your mind. Many times, these far-out ideas can become the catalyst for finding the right solution.

If working on a personal problem, ask friends to help you brainstorm solutions. Since they are not personally attached to the problem, it can be easier to think outside the box.

We are often afraid to allow ourselves to think creatively. How have you made judgments and decisions in the past? What ideas are scary or you think unrealistic? Do they seem too out of the ordinary to consider? You can be faithful to your values and principles while being open to new ideas and new ways of doing things.

If we allow ourselves to remain open to new possibilities, we will discover many alternative possibilities to resolve our problems. Encourage innovative thinking and discourage restrictions at this stage. There is plenty of time to evaluate and eliminate the possibilities in the next step.

It takes time, thought and the willingness to risk and fail in order to find the best solution. It took Edison 9000 times of failing before he was able to discover the right filament for his electric light bulb. In the process he experimented with thousands of materials and possibilities. But he didn’t consider it failing. He just felt that for nine thousand times he had not found the right solution.

In this step, if we expand our view of just a few options to one of thousands of possibilities, we will be open to discovering the best of solutions. Become like children who loves to explore and experiment.

Remember, in order to solve problems creatively, attitude can become our largest stumbling block. Put yourself into a creative mindset. Relax and don’t worry about making mistakes and allow yourself to explore many different possibilities. Envision your problem as a challenge rather than a trial. In this step, there are no premature judgments or comparisons.

Marlene Anderson

Problem Solving – Step 1

Posted December 1, 2014 by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

We experience problems every day: some simple – others complex. We often confuse the emotional conflict as the problem itself. The emotional conflict is the byproduct of the problem.

Step 1 – Identify the problem and define the conflict

Whether the problem is how I can better my life, prepare for my financial future, or have a significant and meaningful relationship with my spouse, it is crucial that the problem be correctly defined. Step out of the emotional space and focus on what problem is creating the anger, worry, unrest, or distress.

Who is involved? What are the feelings?

Whose problem is it? Is this my problem, or does it belong to someone else? We can spend a lot of time trying to resolve difficulties that are not ours. If it is your problem, your emotions will tell you something is not right and you need to pay attention to it.

Whenever a problem involves other people, choose a time and place when you can sit down and talk about the problem, brain storm and evaluate pros and cons. Allow time to listen without time pressure. If this is a conflict within a family, ask for a family meeting where everybody can be heard. Avoid “you” statements. Speak instead of how the problem affects you and what would make a difference.

Problem solving includes feelings and behaviors. It requires active listening, using perception checks and giving feedback.

In conflicts with another person, consider whether the other person sees the problem as you do. Does the problem impact both of you?

In intimate relationships, emotions run high and are often accompanied with misinterpretation and misunderstanding. Everybody sees the world differently.

When both people take time to speak and listen, points of view, assumptions, expectations and personal perceptions are revealed.

What outcome is important to you?

Is it more important to win an argument, or to work towards a positive and meaningful relationship? The later requires a sincere willingness to negotiate and compromise. What can you live with? What can’t you live with? Are you willing to make some sacrifices? What are the alternatives and the impact it might have over time?

Summary: Recognizing/analyzing/defining Problem

What is the problem? Who says it is? How do you know?
Who does it impact?
What are the underlying causes?
Separate or break apart if there is more than one central problem. Identify any substrates of a problem
What has to occur for a solution to be reached?
Define specifically and clearly.

Remain focused on the problem or task when problem solving versus just feelings. Don’t bring in old history and eliminate unnecessary vocabulary. Stay on task.
Marlene Anderson

How Heavy is Your Problem?