Full of promise and new beginnings

As I sat and watched my grandson’s graduation ceremonies, my son and I exchanged glances of pride knowing the hard work of the students. And we exchanged comments about the opportunity and joy that teaching gave us. We both share that passion for teaching.

It was a special night as we listened to a principal who held both the students and his teaching staff in esteem. Cleveland High School in Portland is ranked in the top ten in the nation for their excellence in teaching and I said a prayer of thanksgiving for all who work to help each and every student achieve their best as they go through their doors.

As teachers we have the opportunity to be a positive influence on the lives of students; encouraging and motivating them to do their best, to believe in themselves, work hard and never give up.

As parents and friends we also make a huge difference as we support their efforts. It is both humbling and exciting to see them in their caps and gowns and know that as teachers, parents and friends we helped in some small way on their journey. 

I am so proud of all my children and grandchildren. And the pride comes not from awards or accolades earned, but from the diligence and effort and sweat and tears it takes to get through these growing years.

It is not easy growing up and the lessons learned will be needed as they enter the University of Life.

My prayer is that each student will continue to believe in their ability to succeed, to find a way to persevere when disappointments, disillusion and setbacks occur. And that God will put others in their lives who will continue to encourage and support them. None of us can do it alone. We need each other.

Congratulations grandson!!! And congratulations to every graduate.

                                                  Marlene Anderson, Proud Grandmother

In our world of speed, we speak in shorthand, abbreviations and identifying labels.

We don’t go to the store and buy a can of beans – we buy sodium, sugar, carbs, and calories. We don’t have a problem in our lives; we are suffering from ADHD, PTS or OCD. We are not just stressed but have an anxiety disorder. We lengthen labels to be politically correct and shorten them for expediency.

Labels are descriptive words or phrases used to describe a person or group that usually triggers some kind of response and image. 

Labels try to condense and explain complex behaviors and situations and in the process identify and define someone or something. But they also become buzz words we bandy about making us feel informed or in the know.

I have trouble with the label of grief and loss. It has become an easy way to explain what someone is experiencing with the loss of a spouse, good friend or child. Rarely, however, does it touch the depth and scope of what that loss meant.

The loss of a marriage, a childhood, a miscarriage, continued health, physical limbs, a dream or goal are also the death of something of importance and value to us. While the term is supposed to be all inclusive, we seldom think about the need to grieve these other major endings. 

No matter how far in our past, if a significant loss to us at the time was stuffed, ignored or denied, the emotions attached will continue to impact our lives.

When a memory laden with passionate and powerful emotions is triggered, we experience all over again the intensity of those emotions: anger, shame, guilt, sorrow, etc. The event itself often becomes blurred, distorted or not even remembered. Until we go back and process what created such intense feelings, grieve what was and what could have been, those emotions will continue to surface.

To grieve past losses we need to remember the events. We need to listen to what the emotions are telling us. We need to understand why we were wounded by that loss, reframe it and then put it to rest. We don’t forget – it just doesn’t have the sting and power it used to have.

Now the loss becomes a milestone, a changing or strengthening factor in our lives – something that is a part of who we are and how we are able to define ourselves. When grieved, those losses become an opportunity to build something new and positive.

What events from your past keep resurfacing? What emotional responses are constantly being triggered that don’t fit current circumstances? Do you find yourself over reacting, quick to defend and attack or get angry? Do you find yourself getting intensely sad or melancholy?

Perhaps there is a loss in your past that needs to be processed, grieved and put to rest.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Part of the challenge of confronting adversity, unwanted change and tragedies is coming to terms with what has happened.

Losses mean we have left something of importance behind. Life will not be the same even if we construct a similar environment. It is gone. We are left with the remains of what was and need to move on.  Unless we grieve those losses, however, they can continue to rob us of energy, stifle creativity and obscure new choices.

Ungrieved losses can leave us stuck in the past.

As therapists, we help clients challenge irrational thoughts, distorted perceptions and destructive behaviors and replace them with more constructive ones. 

In the process, we confront self-defeating attitudes and mindsets, reframe circumstances and take charge of our lives.

We do not have to be held captive to our fears, anxiety, anger and depression or slaves to outdated resentments. 

When we understand how and why certain behaviors and responses have been put in place, we are able to choose alternative, more constructive, self-affirming ones. It is in that process that we uncover old wounds and childhood traumas that need to be grieved.

Ungrieved losses will continue to have a negative impact in our lives.

This summer I am devoting my time to writing a book proposal for a new manuscript I have written, From Winter to Spring, that takes you through the process of grieving, from those early stages of acute response to a period of transition where we put the past to rest, ask who we are today and begin to create a new reality. 

My blogs will reflect that grief and integration process.  Understanding helps define what is happening to us.  That understanding can be turned into positive responses of healing and recovery. 

We will explore what it means to grieve, why we need to grieve and what happens when we don’t; and how our losses can affect every aspect of our life – from our relationships, marriages, parenting, and careers as well as having a negative impact on our mental and physical health.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

If we could stand back and observe our lives, we might see the many unnecessary battles we have initiated, the casualties sustained and the injuries we have allowed to cripple us.

The personal battles we need to step into are ones where there is abuse: physical, emotional or psychological. It will take the battle gear of prayer, courage and the ability to define boundaries and communicate them.

It says what you will do and what you won’t do – what you will accept and what you won’t accept. It acknowledges your worth and the worth of your opponent while refusing to be a party to unacceptable behaviors.

When we do battle with addiction it means we are willing to acknowledge that we are addicted – no more denials – no more excuses – no more elaborate explanations – no more blame or victim stories.

It means we are willing to take that spark of courage and say I have a problem, I need help, and I can’t do this alone. Acknowledge your worth as a child of God, but don’t cover up the behaviors anymore.

When we do battle with children, we are teaching them about life. If we are just the authoritarian they will learn that when they finally get power they can use it over others.

Discipline is setting appropriate, defined and explained boundaries and consequences. When children learn there are always consequences of some kind to the choices they make – good or bad – they learn how to become accountable and responsible.

There is no battle of wills – parent against child – I win and you lose. When we set up rules and acceptable behaviors ahead of time, many unnessary battles can be avoided. We remain the parent with final authority, our children know they are loved unconditionally, but unacceptable behaviors will not tolerated or allowed.

When we do battle with ourselves, we are constantly beating ourselves up, are never good enough, competent enough and will always fail. Our comparisons with others always leave us diminished and the other superior.

Step back, listen to ourselves and replace negative, self defeating self talk with affirming statements of confidence.

Become a warrior

Put on the battle gear of wisdom, understanding and discernment; determination, fortitude and resolve. Pick up the courage and strength God lays down before us. 

Listen to your fears and then develop appropriate and winning plans of action. Use tough love when necessary, fight for appropriate boundaries but be willing to humbly acknowledge your own need for forgiveness and understanding.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Sketch by Don L. Anderson, copyrighted.

Every day we are faced with battles of some kind.

We draw a line in the sand with our kids or with an encroaching neighbor. We war inside ourselves about decisions we have to make. We spend hours in our mind defending our position within relationships and places of employment while preparing ways to stand up for ourselves without drawing swords and hacking up people with cutting words, sneering labels or arrogant resolutions.

Battles – every day we are confronted battles of some kind

Battles are real. We go to war when freedom is threatened because without it people become slaves to the whims and power of dictators. Going into battle, men and women are prepared to die for life that freedom gives them. It is a value that honors the battle it takes to preserve it.

In our everyday battles, the stakes are not always so high. We have an opportunity to clarify misunderstandings, learn how to communicate our needs and wants, problem solve differences and respect opposing views.

Sometimes we create battle fields when there is no need for them.

Our spouses, children, neighbors, bosses and co-workers become the enemy we do battle with. We’re right and they’re wrong. But such polarization creates an atmosphere where discussion is impossible and we either become warriors or victims.

Whether we like it or not war is necessary. We are required to stand up for the principles and values that enable us to be free.

There is evil in this world and if we don’t acknowledge it we will be taken slave to it. To have freedom, we will be required to fight.

But many of our everyday battles have been blown out of proportion. We do not have to put on battle gear and physically do battle. We can take a stand when values are threatened and compromise when we share a mutual goal. 

Which battles can I avoid and which ones do I need to confront? What situations am I turning into unnecessary battlefields? Am I doing battle because of a bruised ego or because a wrong really needs to be made right? Which ones are better defined as skirmishes that can be resolved without putting on full battle gear?

©2013 Marlene Anderson