I thought I was prepared. I had worked hard but I didn’t meet my expectations.

Had I overreached? Was I overconfident? What had I missed? What did I do wrong?

When goals and expectations fail – we failed that test, we lose that prestigious job we worked so hard to get, our marriage is on the rocks, our children are in serious trouble – the list goes on and on – we are embarrassed. We not only feel deflated but want to slink into anonymity and disappear from view.

Our first reaction is to find someone or something to blame. We beat ourselves up or we put the blame on others. Neither of these two extremes helps. Both use selective information to explain what happened.

Messages from our past have a strong influence over us today. 

While it is important to be honest about our efforts, when we beat ourselves up, we develop tunnel vision that screens out other pertinent information. Details are deleted, minimized or magnified.

Past failures and disappointments flood our consciousness. It is not only I should have done more or I should have worked harder but I’m a screw-up, I’m not talented enough, I’m stupid, etc.

Our self talk becomes defeating and we judge ourselves incompetent. We are flawed and therefore conclude that we are incapable of succeeding. It colors the present and it colors the future.

Our comparisons with others also become distorted and biased against us.

The other extreme is not helpful either. When we shift blame to others or things outside our control, we are reducing or removing any responsibility we might have had. It’s not my fault will not help you in the long term, because you will not be able to gather the necessary objective and vital information to make a difference in the future.

So how do we navigate those discouraging or embarrassing moments?

Don’t run from your feelings. Stand up to them and face them truthfully. Then deliberately remove yourself from the blame game. Become objective. Think like an impartial reporter gathering facts. Ask yourself

• What was in my control to alter or change the outcome?

• What was out of my control?

• What one positive, constructive thing can I take away from this?

• What did I learn about myself (avoid any self-defeating labels or judgmental statements)?

• What important information can help me in the future?

Confidence is important – an elevated and exaggerated ego is not.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

I have the fantastic opportunity to be a member of two choral groups that strive for excellence as we stretch ourselves to sing with joy, passion and precision.

One of those groups, Shelter Bay Chorus, gave their spring concert this last weekend. The theme was a tribute to man’s resiliency in the face of life’s challenges, the struggle to pick ourselves up, and start over again no matter what the adversity. The songs were chosen to convey that message of  hope.  

When we have a song in our heart we can find hope in the midst of despair, heal a wounded heart, and sing above our fear and pain as we express our excitement, joy and gratitude.

No matter what your mood, you can change or alter it. One of the easiest ways is with music.

• Sing – even if you can’t carry a tune

• Sing – even if it is in your head

• Sing – when the world is the darkest and when it is the brightest

Listen to music with passion and soul; music that lifts your spirits and gives you courage.

Music can not only alter your mood and give you hope, but can ignite motivation and inspiration. It gives expression to life.

Marlene Anderson

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles.” Is 40:31

Attached to the side of my computer is a small cross with the above words inscribed upon it. It is one of my favorite scripture verses. The words give me that immediate jolt of hope when events slam into my world with the force of a hurricane and threaten to destroy what I hold valuable.

When we have done all we can do, waiting on God is a peace no one can describe.

While there are many scripture verses that give me comfort and relief from emotional distress, this one draws my attention to God instead of the problem.

I have always enjoyed reading real life stories of people who have taken difficult and tragic events and turned them into a narrative of hope and inspiration. In the midst of their tragedies, they found nuggets of hope and blessings otherwise missed and used them to rebuild, replace or renew their lives.

If our eyes are drawn up to God as a source of strength and courage during difficult and dangerous times, we will find those nuggets of hope and blessings we would have otherwise missed.

When our focus is on hope we can see possibilities. When our focus is on possibilities we discover friends and people waiting to give us a hand up. Then we can find and grab hold of those toe holds to pull ourselves up.

When something is removed, something will be given to replace it. Let go; then grab hold. At those moments soar like an eagle. Look down and see the blessings along with the rubble.

This day, I thank God for my beautiful and wonderful daughter whose surgery reveals she is cancer free.

Marlene Anderson, Mother

When we have lost a loved one, we are usually given a couple of days off from work to grieve. But then we are expected to resume life as usual.

When a loss is not associated with an actual death, there is no time off. We are faced with working through our loss while continuing to work.  

Losses that have not been grieved become buried in our unconsciousness. But the next time we suffer a setback or loss, they scurry back from the place we buried them and demand attention.

Grieving our losses isn’t some sad time we spend feeling sorry for ourselves. Grieving is active work that enables us to put our loss to rest. Here are some things to consider about grieving:

Grieving is

• Coming to terms with what has happened – making sense of it

• Working through the tangles of emotions and thoughts

• Working through the questions so we can let go of them even if we don’t have answers

• Finding a way to express what we are experiencing. Journaling, sharing, creating an art project, quiet time reflecting, writing a letter of goodbye, etc. are some ways to heal.

• Validating your journey – give yourself permission to grieve. Emotional wounds require healing just as physical wounds.

• Work through the many layers associated with your loss.

• Grieving includes spending time answering the questions: who was I? Who am I today? Who do I want to become tomorrow? It is where we plan our next steps.

• Stepping out and finding ways to make life meaningful again. It may be difficult, but rewarding. 

Grieving is not

• Feeling sorry for yourself. When we feel sorry for ourselves we want to nurse our hurt feelings. When we are grieving, we want to share our pain so we can let go of it and heal.

• Trying to “get over” it. Life will not be the same. Grieving is healing, integrating and replacing.

• Doing things one particular way. We are all different. Take from examples and suggestions and then apply what works for you

• Going through predictable stages. While we may experience similar things, grief is never predictable or associated with a time limit. 

• Retreating into solitude. While we need those times alone to sort things out, we also need the support of others. Retreating can at some point leave us isolated, lonely and depressed

The lists above reflect grieving a major loss we often associate with the death of a loved one.

However, when we lose our jobs, lose our financial stability, lose our ability to earn a living, lose an expectation such as a marriage, or a long sought after dream, these are losses that need to be grieved. Grieving allows us to put our energy into creating a new reality and a new beginning.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

As I consider the times in my life when unexpected and unwanted change forever altered life as we knew it, my husband and I were not only brought up short, but were required to step back and put some thought and perspective into our next step.

Most of the time when problems arise we simply consider different options and solutions, adjust and move on. While changes are made, our life is still basically the same.

It is when something of great importance and emotional attachment has been taken away, that life itself has been altered. It might mean a death, a major move, a divorce, a dream, etc.

Losses are personal

While some losses we simply take in our stride, being sad for a short time and then moving on, other losses require more active grieving.

Nobody but you can determine how important a loss is. A child who has just lost a beloved pet or toy is experiencing a loss at a deeper level than perhaps you or I. Their attachment to that pet and toy is different than ours. We need to help them grieve their loss. 

What does it mean to grieve?

We know we experience intense emotions of sorrow and sadness. Our emotions can range from despair to moments of solace, from anger to guilt, from joy in our remembrances to a blanket of depression that settles over us like fog. I liken the complexity of emotions we might experience to that of being on a roller coaster. You can be up and down and somewhere in-between. 

The greater the loss the deeper the grief

Working with individuals who have suffered major losses, I am humbled by the depth of grief they are working through. The typical words we use to define the grief process have a different meaning to one who is grieving.

We don’t get “over it” and as one person indicated to me, the term closure has no comfort attached either. We will always have that empty spot in our lives, that hole in our heart, that love we no longer can give, that possibility or potential that will never be realized even though we can create a new reality and new beginning.

We all grieve in different ways, with different time frames and different outcomes. We all use different methods to process that grief. And there are many paths offered to help us in that quest.

A wonderful lady shared with me yesterday a 200+ mile walk called El Camino de Santiago in Spain that people have walked as part of their healing process. Others have found walking and praying a maze helpful. Art therapy is extremely beneficial not only helping us heal, but in taking the broken shards of our live and turning them into a visual memory of recognition, reconciliation and celebration.

If your loss was important to you, take time to grieve.  

©2013 Marlene Anderson

I believe that deep within us lies the resources we need to meet any crisis, adversity or unwanted change. These resources are often buried beneath doubts and old destructive messages. But we can uncover them, collect new information and alter our thinking to accommodate old frames of reference.

Remember the first time you said to yourself, if so and so can do it, then so can I? When I was going through my adversities and life altering unwanted changes, I would, after the initial slam of reality, remind myself that people had endured far greater challenges than I and had weathered the storms of life. If others could, then so could I.

Yet, I recognized that I needed to honor my own journey through difficult times and not devalue it just because someone else had gone through worse adversities.

No matter how strong our determination and resolve, however, we can’t do it alone. We need the support and love of others. And even more important, we need to know that we are not alone – God is with us. It is there we find the faith and grace and courage needed to take that next step.

When God brought the people of Israel out of slavery in Egypt, they entered the desert to receive training. When their education was complete, they were to move out of their desert and cross the river Jordan into the land God had given them. But they were afraid and thought of all the reasons why they couldn’t step forward. Even though God had equipped them, they were not willing to take the next step and ended up wandering for another 40 years.

This month, we will explore the different mindsets that can either help us move forward or will keep us wandering our deserts.

©2013 Marlene Anderson