Fear – like all our emotions – gives us information.

It can warn us, keep us safe and alert to danger. It can help us prepare and prevent disasters. It can empower us to take appropriate action when needed either to avoid a calamity or to correct behaviors.

Fear is good when it protects us from real danger

Worry and nagging anxieties can alert us to stop, step back and ask ourselves relevant and significant questions. It can reveal things we need to know about ourselves.  

Do our goals need clarification or refining? What am I not doing that I should be doing? This may be a time for some honest soul searching. Am I being the kind of person I want to be?    

Fear is not helpful when it becomes a giant obstacle that keeps us from developing the confidence we need to step out and face adversity.  

We may fear success as well as failure. We may fear rejection or being taken advantage of. We may fear getting hurt in relationships.  We may fear making a mistake that will cause us to appear foolish or lose our jobs or be judged unfairly.

When we address our fears with honesty and sincerity we can redirect our actions and motivations.

As we peel away the layers of our fears, hidden beliefs that compromise our ability to take that next step are revealed. We may experience an “A-hah” moment where parts of our life puzzle become clear and we are given the opportunity both for understanding and to make needed corrections. It is where we find humility and responsibility. 

Fears can become insurmountable mountains that begin as tiny rivers of doubt and anxiety.  As they flow into our river of consciousness they grow to gigantic proportions. These are often fed by past messages and life experiences that imprison us. 

While fears may start from a legitimate source, when we obsess over them instead of meeting their challenge, they soon become exaggerated and excessive.  

Don’t let your fears control you.    

Unrealistic and exaggerated fears are simply paper dragons that have grown fat on negative thoughts and core beliefs that undermine our worth.  

Recognize the fears that have become paper dragons.  Deflate them by challenging negative self talk. Reframe situations so you are not held captive by them.       

Fears are good when they keep us safe. Fears are not good when they keep us from taking the next step out of an unwanted change, loss or adversity.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

My mother was a worrier. My oldest sister was a worrier. I remember her telling me she couldn’t help it, she was just born that way.

While we may have a tendency toward reacting certain ways, we are not a reluctant prisoner to those tendencies.

We all worry about things. They may be financial, health or age-related. They may be restrictive, compulsive and overwhelming. Some of our fears and anxieties have grown into huge giants that continue to exert their power over us.

Often we are unaware of our worries – they just lurk on the edge of our awareness until something brings it into focus. And we can worry about many things at the same time. It is estimated that up to 95% of our worry and the stress it creates are the result of worrying about trivial rather than important things in life.

We worry because we don’t take the time to clarify what we are worrying about.

Are you a worrier?

Nancy and Donald Tubesing, editors of “Structured Exercises in Stress Management, Vol. 2,” * suggest the following exercise to determine whether our worries have any importance. Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you are worrying about right now. Were you worrying about them last night, yesterday, last week?

Now take another piece of paper and make four columns on it. Under Col. 1, list all the worries that are under your control. In Col. 2, list all the worries that are not in your control. In Col. 3, list all the worries that are important but are not in your control and in Col. 4 list all the worries that are important and are in your control.

Look at your lists and ask yourself the following questions:

• What worries can I eliminate?

• What benefits do I get from worrying about them?

• Do I really want to hang onto them?

• Which worries are ones I want to work on by creating a plan of action to eliminate them?

• Which ones do I need to hand over to God and let go of them

Worrying is good only if it motivates us to take action of some kind. Otherwise it is a useless waste of energy.

When we feel in control of our lives, even an extremely anxiety-provoking situation may be seen as challenging rather than distressful. If we feel powerless, even the most trivial worry and concern become giants.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

*Nancy Loving Tubesing and Donald A. Tubesing, Editors, ©1994 Whole Person Associates, 210 W. Michigan, Duluth, MN 55802

As part of a prayer team for a prison ministry, I signed up to pray for a half hour last Friday.

As I thought about people in prison, I remembered years ago going with a friend to visit her son in prison. I remembered the uncomfortable feeling of being checked through all the various stations before being allowed to enter the visiting area where family and friends could visit with loved ones. I no longer felt I had any control over my life.

As I thought about the men and women incarcerated with long prison sentences, I reflected on all the freedoms we take for granted every day that are taken away from us when we enter prison.

In prison you are not free to come and go as you wish, you cannot choose what you will eat, you cannot choose the clothes you would like to wear or how you to decorate your “living” space. You lose your privacy, your sense of personal safety and security, your dignity and self respect. Rules for everything are governed by the laws of the prison and the laws of other inmates.

As I thought and prayed during that half hour, I was struck by the thought of how often we imprison ourselves with unrealistic fears and anxieties, cares and worries.

We imprison ourselves when we choose to see only the worst and never balance it with the good. We imprison ourselves when we spend more time blaming others, remaining a victim instead of meeting life’s struggles head on. We imprison ourselves when we continue to maintain a sense of powerlessness and lack of worth.

We can choose to look at life as an opportunity even in the worst scenarios. We can choose to believe the sun still shines even when it is pouring rain. We can choose to believe there is always something good we can accomplish each day. We can choose to replace negative thinking with statements of hope and trust and belief.

We hold the key to our own personal prison cells. Sometimes it feels safer remaining locked up behind our walls of fear instead of stepping out, challenging old lifestyles and ways of thinking, and healing old wounds.

But in the process we are giving up who we were meant to be. Only when we face our fears head on will we be free from their imprisonment.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Fear can be our friend or it can be our enemy. It can prepare us, instruct us, keep us safe; or it can become a huge threatening shadow that keeps us locked in anxiety, worry, doubt, uncertainty and helplessness.

Healthy fear can be the precursor to getting more information or putting in place preventive measures. Pay attention to that niggling doubt or feeling of fear. Pay attention to your intuition. Check out troubling symptoms that just don’t seem right. That includes relationships, changes in behaviors in your teens or children or health symptoms that keep recurring but we don’t want to address. Watch your spending habits and long term financial goals. It is up to us to determine safety issues.

What is your greatest fear?

I grew up in a rural community. As a young adult, I was self-conscious and concerned about doing the right thing in social settings. Because I really loved being around people, I decided I needed to confront these social fears. I joined an International Toastmasters group.

It is said that public speaking is one of people’s greatest fears. We fear appearing stupid, not having it all together, ridiculed and rejected. We try to hide the parts of ourselves we think are less attractive or unpleasing. When standing before a group of people and speaking we can feel exposed to all the things we fear or don’t like about ourselves.

The wonderful thing about Toastmasters is that everyone is feeling the same vulnerability and work together to perfect the art of speaking. What I learned during that time period was that I loved speaking and that the only thing I had to fear was my own unreasonable fears. Later when I entered the arena of teaching college, facilitating groups and doing workshops, it was an exciting and rewarding experience.

Are you experiencing fear?

Whether danger is real or perceived the body gears up to protect you. So when you are experiencing an unrealistic fear, you are experiencing increased heart rate, sweaty palms, “butterflies” in the stomach, and all the other things associated with the fight/flight response. Your brain does not discern the difference between an actual physical threat and a psychological threat unless you tell it.

What do I do if I am experiencing fear?

First, acknowledge how you are feeling. Confront it head on. If you are in physical danger, act accordingly.  But if this is a psychological danger, ask

What is the worst thing that can happen in this situation? What is the best thing? Take some slow calming breaths and remind yourself you are not in physical danger.

We can think more rationally, problem solve, conceptualize options and formulate new plans of action when we are unhampered with excessive fear. 

When I accept the least pleasing aspect of myself, it no longer can create fear in me.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Fear is healthy when it warns us of an immediate and impending danger, the need to be cautious or take preventative measures.

Danger can take on many different forms. In my last blog I mentioned just a few: driving or walking alone in areas that are unsafe or high risk, walking to your car alone in a deserted parking garage, locking your doors, etc. Most of these potential dangers can be prevented by putting precautions in place. There are many articles on safety that address these and other precautions.

There are dangers we sometimes don’t give as much thought to as we should such as dangers on the internet, identity theft, scam artists and predators. We are bombarded with choices and marketing schemes and don’t take the time to think through the costs and risks involved. It is so easy to get instant credit and we get caught up in spending without careful consideration of cost and the danger to our pocket books and finances.

In today’s world, we need to develop a cautious and healthy fear not only of scam artists but the relationships we enter into so casually. We don’t always recognize people who want to use us for their own gratification or purposes. Yet there are many signs and behaviors that are huge red flags of unhealthy and even dangerous situations.  

A healthy relationship involves two people who feel safe and comfortable within their relationship. Each partner is concerned about the other’s welfare and encourage and support each other’s goals and aspirations. Each is secure in their own identity.

An unhealthy relationship is one where you are being manipulated by praise and flattery for the other person’s gain or gratification, controlled by anger or threats, or where there is inconsistency, anger, intimidation or deceit. These ought to be red flags for you to pay attention to. If you are in a current relationship where you are experiencing emotional, psychological or physical abuse, seek some professional help and remove yourself safely from that relationship.

People who prey on other people look for individuals with a low sense of self worth, lack of confidence, appear needy or lonely and are unable to give themselves praise and recognition. They are easily manipulated through praise and flattery. (For more information about safe relationships and choices, consider the following books: “Life Code” by Dr. Phil McGraw, “Safe People” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend , “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker, and “It Will Never Happen to Me” by Claudia Black)

An important part of taking the” next step” in your life is doing some important self work that encourages tapping into your inner strengths, challenging self-defeating core beliefs and developing the skills necessary to take charge in whatever situation you find yourself in.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

NOTE:  As I get ready to post this blog their have been a series of explosions in Boston where a marathon was taking place.  Wherever you are, be cautious and aware of what is going on around you.  Our prayers go out to those who have been injured and the families of those who died.