The University of Life hands us some tough assignments. When those life assignments are filled with pain, we try to avoid it or get through it as fast as possible.

We don’t like to be in pain and will often do anything to avoid it.  We use alcohol or prescription drugs to deaden its effect or escape addressing it – anything so we don’t have to feel.

Yet pain can be a very important teacher. When I have been in emotional or physical pain I have learned something important about myself. What is working and what is not working in my life?

When I stay in pain’s presence, I am able to accept my vulnerabilities, break down the protective barriers I have built, and allow myself to grow. I have the opportunity to become real and honest and genuine. 

So while we may hate being in pain, it has an important purpose. It protects us and helps us survive. It tells us when we need to change directions, it tells us to slow down, and it gives us a time out from “life as usual” to discover more productive ways to live. It gives us the opportunity to address issues we have been avoiding.

What life expanding lessons does your pain have for you? 

1. What face is your pain wearing today? Sit with it awhile. Don’t try to alter it or change how you feel. Simply sit with it.  Tell your pain you are listening to whatever message it is trying to give you. Write down insights as they occur.

2. Remembering can produce both pain and joy. Dig deep into your resource memory bank and bring up both the good times that made you smile or laugh and also the not-so-good times that brought tears of remorse, sorrow, loss, guilt, shame, anger, etc.  How have you dealt with your pain in the past? What new things can you learn from your pain today? 

3. Thank your pain and write down what new important information you have learned about yourself, your world and God.

Remember that this is new information that will help you advance, make corrections and motivate you in making new goals. Focus on the positive possibilities of your learning experience. 

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Endings are about closing a door. It’s crossing that River Jordan into a new world. You are not going back. That can be scary because we know the desert we are in.

Losses are endings that close a chapter in our life.

We usually don’t want to make that ending and we hold the door open as long as we can. Sometimes we put a door stop in while we hurry on so we can go back if we want to. But there is no going back. And when we try, we find everything has changed – it isn’t the same.

As we gently close the door of what was, we enter a transitional phase which William Bridges defines as a “neutral zone”, where our focus shifts from the past to discovery of who we are today and a new beginning.

Transitions create a lot of anxiety because when we close the door on what was familiar we are faced with the unknown.

While this period of inactivity between endings and new beginnings may seem unproductive, it is a bridge we build between the old and new. It is a time to be alone, but not necessarily lonely; a time of waiting and wandering before planning for the future. We re-think who we are and what we value before putting shape back into our lives.

If you are making a transition, take some time to examine old interests and passions. What lost dreams have you forgotten or abandoned? Is this a time to rethink the possibility of doing something about those passions and dreams? Here are some things to consider:

1. Make a list of all the things you have wanted to do. Ask yourself: How would I feel if I was doing them now? What would it take to accomplish it? Write down the pros and cons.

2. It is easy to get discouraged. Write a letter of encouragement to yourself. “Dear. . . Tell yourself you are pleased with all the things you have accomplished in the past. Remind yourself that although things may not be the same, you are learning how to use your skills and talents in a new way.

3. Try something new. Is this a time to find a new path unseen before? Give yourself permission to fail and try again. We place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and then feel disappointed when we don’t meet those expectations.

4. Avoid critical self-talk: “I’m so stupid”, or “I screwed up again” or “I never do anything right”. Create hope and faith statements. Copy some from a book or favorite scripture verse. Post them everywhere and repeat them throughout the day.

It is estimated that major life transitions take from 18 months to 4 years to complete. We want it to happen right now. We may take many detours going back and forward many times and experience many losses as we take on new beginnings. Know that is normal and okay.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Before we take a trip, we have a destination in mind – we know where we are going, when we will leave and estimated time of arrival. We have considered the best route and what we need to take with us.

The trip of life, however, isn’t quite so easy. Sometimes it seems we keep wandering in a desert that stretches into infinity, devoid of markers or signposts. We take the first path we see, not sure where it will take us, but hoping we will find a fulfilling and satisfying life along the way. Instead, we often find ourselves at a dead end starting all over again.

The desert training camp

I love the Old Testament because the stories there reveal so much about us.

When God instructed Moses to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt, He led them into the desert – a wilderness training camp. When God felt they were ready to leave the desert, He instructed Joshua to lead them across the river Jordan into a land of “milk and honey”, full of promise and good things.

But as the people stood at the banks of the roaring Jordan River, swollen with early spring rains, and looked across to the other side, it wasn’t a land of milk and honey they saw, but a land of giants, walled cities, undefeated kings and well-trained armies – in short, insurmountable odds. Was this the pathway to their new life?

I’m sure Joshua, for all his bravery, might have asked, “God is this really where you want us to go?”

From endings to new beginnings

After the death of my husband I started writing. As a new writer, I was entering a land of giants, a world of talented and gifted people who seemed to have it all together; while I, on the other hand, struggled to put on paper the thoughts and ideas I wanted to convey. The pathway seemed like sand and rocks and raging rivers and the obstacles as large as any giant army or walled city. This land of writing and publication was already inhabited by men and women who were successful in their trade. How could I hope to compete?

And I asked, “God is this really where you want me to go?”

But God sees far beyond the horizon and knows what path each of us is to take. Can we trust the skills and talents He has given us enough to take that next step onto a path we hadn’t seen before? Can we trust that compelling voice that says step out in faith?

But even with His encouragement, we might, like the Israelites of old, run back into the perceived safety of the wilderness rather than step forward into a new reality. The choice is ours: we can continue to wander around in our own deserts or cross over into new territory.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

Losses of any kind involve change and will challenge who we are.

I used to be a wife, husband, parent, and executive; a healthy and active person.

I used to have a full time job. I used to know where I was going and what I wanted to do. I had well prepared goals and plans of action.

I had an organized and predictable life. I made adjustments and solved problems. I had an answer for everything. But now, this drastic turn of events has left me wondering if I knew myself at all.

Who am I?

Change threatens the image we hold of ourselves. When life is on auto pilot, we are busy following the set of plans we have put in motion. But unwanted change disrupts our patterns and throws us off balance.

Unwanted change gives us the opportunity to examine those parts of ourselves we would rather keep secret even from ourselves. It is easier to deny the things we don’t like about ourselves rather than acknowledge and purposefully make the changes that will enable us to become more genuine.

It requires a deeper honesty and evaluation of who we are, what we believe in, what we value and why. Knowing yourself is an important requirement for taking responsibility for your life and the choices you make.

So take an honest evaluation:

1. What things in my life am I ashamed of and don’t like about myself? What new choices can I make to bring about positive changes?

2. What things in my life am I proud of? Can I honestly acknowledge the good choices I have made, the things I have accomplished?

3. What new thing am I learning about myself I wouldn’t have learned any other way? Can I accept that, build on that, or make a choice to improve on that?

4. What good can I take away from this tragedy or unwanted change?

Losses and earth shattering turn of events can seem like the end of the world. Yet within the broken pieces of life we find the seeds for a new more meaningful life.

©2013 Marlene Anderson

“Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5:3 (New Oxford Annotated Bible)

I was asked once if I thought the only way we would discover God was through pain or loss. I’ve thought a lot about that. Surely it doesn’t take tragedies to experience God.

And yet, I think it does. Maybe it’s only when we are overwhelmed, broken, and “poor in spirit”; when we cannot find the resources within ourselves – that we are ready to acknowledge our need for God.

We are born physically in pain. And perhaps that is the only way we can be born spiritually as well. Pain wears many faces: the pain of loss, emptiness, and disillusionment; the pain of guilt and shame, rejection and abandonment. Within all forms of pain, we find ourselves struggling to find the answers and resources to move forward.

We search for meaning in academic institutions and the wisdom of philosophers. We believe we will be happy when we have reached a certain level of success or have acquired enough wealth. We make plans, work hard to achieve them and believe we are good people because we attend church and believe in the golden rule.

And yet, in all our searching for happiness and contentment, we are left with a sense of being incomplete. We have difficulty throwing off anxiety. The answers we thought we wanted don’t seem to be enough. There seems to be something missing and we keep looking for it.

But who needs God?

After all, aren’t we educated individuals? We can find the answers to our problems in science, technology and the internet. Medical science is providing us answers for diseases and all forms of health and medical problems. While throwing the need for God out the window, we unconsciously keep looking for a God substitute that can provide answers of the spirit and soul.

I believe we will only find the answers to our spirit when we don’t have the answers for what is happening in life and we can’t even formulate the questions. When our well-laid plans have been destroyed and we are stripped of wealth, good intentions and well designed lives, we find ourselves re-thinking God and our need for something beyond ourselves, our culture and technology.

©2013Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC