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Families: Love Them or Hate Them

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

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Do you remember when you were a kid and couldn’t wait to leave home? You couldn’t wait to do things the way you wanted without somebody telling you what you could or could not do.

But whether we like it or not, we take our families of origin with us. That includes our typical way of communicating.

If you grew up in a nurturing and loving home, you may have some anxiety when you leave home, but you recognize and appreciate the values and discipline taught by your parents that you are taking with you. It creates a foundation to build on.

If you grew up in an emotionally or physically abusive home, leaving home represents freedom.

However, good or bad, we tend to repeat what we learned in our family of origin.

Patterns of communication, whether through modeled behavior or words spoken, will be repeated from generation to generation until we recognize and replace them.

The only way we keep from repeating what we learned as children is through processing and resolving the unfinished business of our childhood. That includes untangling the web of conflicts that don’t go away just because we have left home.

Families have an enormous influence on our lives.

If we came from a supportive home, we learn that disputes can be settled, and we can set boundaries without hurting someone else. We learn how to engage with others even if it is imperfect. We know we can trust and get close to others without always feeling suspicious and wary.

It is also in our families of origin where we develop a sense of worth and esteem and incorporate the values and principles that were important to our parents. We may modify or reject them later, but they are the basis for our first core beliefs about life.

We do not have to repeat the patterns we grew up with; but to replace them, we must first be aware of them. Only then can we choose different rules and values for our life.

If you are constantly having relationship problems that repeat themselves over and over again, look back to your family of origin. Take time to explore and understand those early relationships. What was positive and what was negative?

Dysfunctional Families

In her book, Changing Course: Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear,  Claudia Black, Ph.D., helps us understand how dysfunctional families have such a long-standing impact on our lives.

If we are unable to go back and face difficult childhood issues, we will keep our defenses up to avoid feeling the pain today. If we grow up with fear and shame, we become adults who live with fear and shame and a pervasive sense of loss.

Recovery happens when we recognize we want to make changes and take those steps to make it happen.

You do not need to remain a victim of a dysfunctional family.

Don’t Talk, Don’t Trust, Don’t Feel

Dr. Black indicates that the underlying forces that create a sense of loss are denial, rigidity, isolation, and shame.

Natural and necessary losses are balanced with comfort and support, and we grow stronger and healthier because of them. In a severely dysfunctional family, one parent intentionally creates a loss, (example giving away your pet) and the other parent denies the significance of what happened.

Loss is not always the result of what does happen – sometimes it is the result of what does not happen.

When not given support, we feel sad, unloved, and abandoned. If this occurs while growing up, it makes it very difficult to develop a positive self-esteem.

Emotional abandonment occurs when the parent is not emotionally available to the child on a consistent basis. Parents never say, “I love you.”

Physical abandonment occurs when a child has repetitively missed meals or been left alone, unsupervised for hours or days. We minimize or deny our abandonment.

Physical and sexual abuse are major boundary violations. When we treat a child as an object and not a person, we are physically abandoning our child. Not feeling secure, protected, or safe – both psychologically and physically – creates the greatest loss for children.

Denial: The Rule of Silence

Denial is a defense mechanism, a natural response to protect against pain. When someone feels helpless to alter their situation or is ashamed of what is happening, they will resort to denial.

Children learn it is not okay to speak out. We are to pretend things are different than what they are. Denial can be identified when people discount, minimize or rationalize their feelings and pretend things are different than they really are.

Rigidity: Don’t Question – Don’t Think

In troubled families, parents are usually dogmatic in their thinking, “This is the way it is and there are no exceptions.”

Children are seen – not heard.

The family rules are: Don’t ask or question. Don’t trust. Don’t feel. Never challenge authority.

Here, parents are unrealistic, expect too much from their children for their age-appropriate ability, and rarely offer rewards or acknowledgement to the child who obeys.

Obedience is an expectation you are to perform without question. This often results in children becoming depressed. These children will find hurtful ways to act out and will grow up having difficulty making appropriate choices. They become unrealistic with themselves and others. They will rebel and may develop a lenient attitude that says they aren’t accountable or responsible.

Isolation

Connection with others creates meaning in our lives. When that connection is distorted, we are unable to make the kind of connections we need. We don’t want others to know of our personal pain or family pain, which then creates isolation. We learn social graces, but it is superficial – not real.

Low Self-Esteem and Low Self-Worth

Shame leads to low self-esteem and low self-worth. Internalized shame is a painful feeling that results from the belief there is something inherently wrong with who you are. You or a part of you is defective or inadequate.

To live with shame is to feel alienated and defeated. You are never quite good enough to belong. You see yourself as bad, ugly, stupid, incompetent, and damaged.

Abandonment Is At the Root of Shame

Abandonment is experienced through various forms of rejection, and is colored by parental words and actions, subtle and not-so-subtle. Whether intentional or not, abandonment makes a child feel unloved and undervalued. It’s the parent’s job to protect, care for and love their children, as well as to teach them to respect laws and make good choices.

It is not possible to live with the dynamics of chronic loss and not be affected. The younger the age of trauma or loss, the more hurtful.

If negative judgments are attached to our experiences, the greater the emotional consequences. This is portrayed to us by the communication we receive, both verbally and physically.

But with help, we can change its impact. We can use it to become more understanding and compassionate with others who are struggling.

We can’t move forward positively without completing our past.

Regardless of our upbringing and past experiences, we are not prisoners of our past. With knowledge and understanding, we gain personal power to make better and more appropriate choices.

If you have experienced any of those things growing up, please seek help from a reliable and trained therapist who can help you unravel the past, heal, and guide you in putting in place a healthy way to live.

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To receive a free 15-minute consultation to help you create a personal plan of action, email me.

I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

Those Early Relationships

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

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We learn about relationships in our family of origin.

Our view of self, others and the world are shaped there. Family dynamics are very powerful. Patterns of behaviors are repeated from generation to generation.

How we deal with differences within our family of origin can have a major impact on how we relate today.

No family is perfect – no parents can meet all the needs of their children. When you are born, you leave a safe, warm environment and enter one that produces pain, discomfort, and stress.

As we you grow up, you go through predictable, developmental stages with certain tasks associated with them. None of us complete these tasks without some problems.

A family is the total of all the people associated with it.

Our personality develops in relation to others in our family. Every exchange influences other members as well.

Rules in the family are often unspoken and can be confusing or contradictory.

  • Unspoken rules are not openly acknowledged or agreed upon. If talked about, they will often be denied, yet have the greatest impact.
  • Spoken rules can be openly discussed, negotiated, and changed.

We discover ourselves within our relationships.

The way we interact with each other and the way others react to us is how we learn who we are.

Deprived of communication with others, we would have little sense of identity. By interacting and communicating, we learn how to relate in social circles, develop a sense of inclusion or belonging, and a desire to share and influence. We learn to have some power over our own life in the process.

Within our social relationships we fill the very important need for acceptance and inclusion and develop respect and regard for ourselves and others.

As we enter adult relationships, we are unconsciously drawn to people who resemble those in our childhood. We are drawn to similar patterns of behavior – almost like a magnet, we seek partners who treat us in similar ways as our caregivers did.

Our childhood and the relationships we had with others during those growing-up years impact how we relate today.

  • How did people communicate around you?
  • Were there ongoing arguments and name calling?
  • Were you put down and labeled “stupid” or some other discrediting names?
  • Or were you encouraged and helped?

We bring those things with us into adulthood.

Exploring our past gives us information about how to communicate more effectively.

We can process and heal old wounds and replace uncomplimentary language. We may not always find the answers we want, but can find enough clues to help re-direct, fix or change dialogue today.

In dysfunctional families there is an absence of nurturing, which often leads to shame and abandonment. There are boundary violations and rigid, dogmatic thinking that isolates members. There may be a rule of silence which means you are not allowed to discuss problems.

The 5 categories of needs

Maslow suggested that human needs fall into 5 categories and each of them must be satisfied before moving to the next one.

Those categories were:

  1. Physiological
  2. Safety
  3. Love and belonging needs
  4. Esteem
  5. Self-actualization needs

We can simplify it by saying that to be healthy, we need to have self-esteem, the desire to believe we are worthwhile, valuable people with the potential to accomplish things, and self-actualization.

Social isolation is one of the most intense cruelties.

Solitary confinement is the worst of punishments and studies have shown that healthy individuals can become psychotic after only 24-48 hours of solitary confinement.

To relate or connect, we need to communicate.

Relating is communicating in some way with other people. Communication can be intentional or unintentional, deliberate or non-deliberate.

Have you ever lost your temper or made a careless comment that you wish you could take back? But are you aware that your nonverbal messages can be just as powerful, and in many cases, more compelling than what you say?

It is impossible not to communicate.

Communication is an ongoing process. We are sending messages to other people all the time through posture, gesture, distance, body orientation, and clothing.

Facial expressions, such as signs of boredom, sour expressions, body stances, arms crossed, and every other nonverbal behavior is communicating.

Silence can reflect anger, contentment, or fatigue.

How do you determine if the message you are receiving is the message that is actually being sent?

Patterns are repeated from generation to generation.

Children growing up with an alcoholic parent are only too aware of how destructive addictions are on the family. We swear we won’t repeat the same mistakes. Yet, more times than we want to recognize, children growing up in alcoholic families end up marrying an alcoholic or someone with an addictive personality.

The words we heard, the accusations and labels we were given, the lack of love expressed – either verbally or non-verbally – all hugely influence who we are. These words, actions, and labels are too often repeated unless we become aware enough to make changes.

Whether we like it or not, we tend to repeat what we are familiar with. It is what we know.

But we also grow up with positive experiences.

These are often forgotten because the unpleasant was so powerful. There are those times when we were told we were important… that we did something right… that we could do it – those times when we felt encouraged and uplifted.

While it’s important to recognize unhealthy patterns, it is even more important to acknowledge those times when we felt good about who we were and strengthen them.

What are your earliest positive relationship memories?

Perhaps it was with a special friend, a listening grandfather, or an encouraging teacher. Perhaps you had fond memories of a pet you could talk to, hug, and who would be there with you through thick and thin.

What made those relationships special? What was important?

Perhaps it was loyalty, the confidence that you could share anything and know it would be kept confidential.

The assurance that you could be vulnerable and confide your fears and know you would still be accepted.

Perhaps, it was that someone would listen. Or that you could spend hours with someone  who shared the same interests as you and never be bored.

As you think about what was important and valuable in past relationships, can you duplicate some of that today?

  • Who do you hang around with?
  • Can you build trust today by first being a good friend to yourself?

Take some time and decide what is important to you in a relationship. Then ask yourself, “Given where I am today, how can I begin to bring that about?”

You can’t change others. You can only change your own behaviors. But your behaviors influence those around you.

If you enjoyed this post, share it with your friends.

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I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

Of Course I’m Listening: 5 Tips for Better Communication

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.

This is part 5 of 5 in my series on communication.
Part 1 – Learning to Communicate: 12 Tips
Part 2 – Communication Basics
Part 3 – Common Communication Breakdowns
Part 4 – The Art of Relaxed Conversation

Every day I observe the difficulties people have in communicating with one another.

We struggle to listen with the purpose of understanding.

We jump to conclusions instead of getting the whole picture.

We often don’t consider what may be happening in the other person’s life that might make it difficult for them to ask for what they want or need or share what they are experiencing.

We all struggle to understand where the other person is coming from and to share our own needs and wants.

  • How do I ask without demanding?
  • Can I share my thoughts and emotions without blaming or accusation?
  • And even more important, How can I really listen?

We communicate in some way every day with words, a look, a touch of the hand, a gesture or by our posture or even by our silence. Sometimes it is through notes we write or quick texts on our phone.

The difficulties we see in marriages, intimate relationships, and families often revolve around this inability to communicate adequately and accurately. Knowing ahead of time what creates these breakdowns can help us avoid them.

Too often breakdowns occur because we are not really listening.

What are you saying and what is being heard?

As I was reviewing my notes on relationships, I came across five important communication reminders for parents.

But they’re not just for parents communicating with their children. They’re also for couples who struggle to share and better understand each other.

These communication guidelines are for anyone who wants to have better relationships.

That’s Not What I Meant | focuswithmarlene.com

1. Listen – really listen.

That isn’t as easy as it sounds because as soon as we hear something we begin immediately responding.

As difficult as it might seem, stop before you respond. Take a moment and just be quiet. Before expressing your views or oppositions or even agreements, take time to consider what was said.

If passionate emotions are involved, validate the feelings of the speaker. Do not judge, or criticize, or come up with answers to someone’s problem. But acknowledge them.

Pay attention to what is actually being said or what the other person is trying to say.

Can you listen from the other’s point of view? Don’t think about what you want to say in response and don’t interrupt. Give the other person time to compose their thoughts.

If you need to clarify, ask appropriate questions to help you understand. “What I hear you saying is… Is that correct?”

Be completely present in the moment. Don’t bring up the past or attack with your own list of complaints or criticisms.

Instead, focus on the other person’s message. Remember that silence can sometimes be the most effective and helpful tool a listener has.

2. Don’t criticize or judge.

We often dismiss what our kids or spouses are trying to tell us when they talk about the struggles they are having. Even if it doesn’t sound important to you, it is to your child or significant other or colleague.

Some of what is said can trigger an instantaneous response from us; we have the solution and if they just did things the way we would, they wouldn’t have this problem.

But that infers that you are smarter and the other is stupid. Judging anyone places you in a superior position.

We can have an opinion about behaviors and actions, but we do not always know the heart of someone who is struggling, even if we’re living in the same household.

You can support and confirm the other’s ability to problem-solve by validating their feelings. Use words such as, “I didn’t realize such things bothered you.”

This opens the door to communication rather than slamming it shut. You can encourage them to express what is happening because often our emotions and thinking get jumbled up. We don’t have to agree but can be respectful.

3. Talk from the heart.

When someone uses heart talk with you – the language of feelings and emotions – don’t respond intellectually with head-talk.

It diminishes the other person’s feelings, and they often will not talk about them again.

Confirm and authenticate their journey using phrases such as, “This must be hard for you.”

4. Don’t assume.

We hold preconceived notions about the people we live with and work with. These can hamper communication.

Don’t assume that you know another person’s thoughts or feelings. Find out.

That is also true for our significant others. We don’t know everything. We make assumptions that may or may not be true.

Repeat what was said, and then add, “Is this what you meant?”

5. Show your love.

Actions can be as important as words – oftentimes more important.

Marriage is an extremely complex institution. It takes courage, determination, and resiliency to maintain a long-lasting relationship. Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship and mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.

Couples who have this know each other intimately. They know each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express fondness in little ways day in and day out and have found ways to stay connected.

They maintain their friendship because it is the foundation of their love. Friendship fuels the flames of romance.

When dating our future mate, we want to be with that person as much as possible. We share our hopes and dreams, along with our past.

Somewhere along the way, however, people stop doing that after they are married. Instead of discovering more of each other, their focus is on all the problems they are experiencing. They forget to continue building that relationship that was so important. Without healthy and satisfying relationships life will be very difficult.

So, ask yourself, overall, is your communication bringing the results you want?

If you enjoyed this post, share it with your friends.

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I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

The Art of Relaxed Conversation

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.

This is part 4 in my 5-part series on communication.
Part 1 – Learning to Communicate: 12 Tips
Part 2 – Communication Basics
Part 3 – Common Communication Breakdowns

Have you ever sat down with an elderly parent and tried to have a conversation?

It can be difficult to find common things to talk about, because both of you are in a different world space. Most often what is needed is the art of listening. But it also requires knowing how to start a conversation.  

Communication is about sharing our thoughts and feelings, as well as what may be currently happening in the world, involving some kind of interchange or conversation. We send and receive messages as we talk about our wants and needs.

Many times, however, our conversations with loved ones end up in misunderstanding or hurt feelings.

  • What do I say?
  • How can I encourage conversation?
  • Does my body language mirror my words?
  • Am I prepared to listen and understand the other person’s world from their perspective?

This is important not only for the divide between younger people and elderly parents, but with anyone we have discussions with.

Our worlds are different. We have different experiences. We see the world differently. What may seem true to one person may not to another.

Finding a way to share ideas and listen to alternative ones with respect is critical for friendships and relationships.

Communication is a process.

It is circular and non-verbal. When our communication is ineffective we feel as though we are not understood. When communication breaks down between those we love, relationships begin to unravel.

Communication is carefully listening to another and involves body language that says we are here together.

We need people.

We need to share ideas and perspectives – our joys and laughter – our pain and sorrows. We need effective communication to solve problems, share different views and ideas.

Anything worth having or accomplishing is based on communication of some kind. We miss so much because we lack the skill of asking or sharing new ideas or finding out how the other is doing.

The joy of relaxed conversation

After returning from a seven-day river cruise I took with a long-time friend, I reflected on the joy of that trip.

Besides the relaxation, new scenery, and exciting day trips to places never before visited, wI enjoyed meeting and talking to the people who were on this cruise.

We met people from all over the United States and Canada and even Australia. As we sat for dinner or a glass of wine, we talked and shared about where we lived, places we have traveled, our interests and backgrounds.

Over the course of a week, we would bump into each other at various places on board, laugh and joke and at times, share phone numbers and e-mail addresses. Most cell phones were turned off since we had entered another country. But we found we didn’t need them except to take pictures.

How fun it was to talk face-to-face, see expressions and hear reflections and excitement in conversations.

I had to ask myself, had life become so hectic that it took going on a cruise to find time to sit, relax and talk with another person for a few minutes?

How sad that in today’s world, conversations seem to be fast sound bites texted to one another.

How many wonderful moments have we missed by not taking time for those casual but meaningful conversations, with laughter and sometimes intense discussion.

In his book, Resilience: Hard-Won Wisdom for Living a Better Life, Eric Greitens, a former Navy Seal, quotes Antiphon (Fifth Century BC).

“There are people who do not live their present life; it is as if they were preparing themselves, with all their zeal, to live some other life, but not this one. And while they do this, time goes by and is lost.”

We get so busy making a living that we don’t take time to live. 

Living is creating meaning in our life through the friendships we make and preserve as well as our work. It is finding time to play and enjoy each other’s company.

Antiphon died 2,500 years ago. But his words still resonate as we reflect on how we can live a more meaningful life.

Conversations are one way.

If you enjoyed this post, share it with your friends.

Subscribe today to receive a notice in your inbox about each week’s new blog post and podcast episode: http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

To receive a free 15-minute consultation to help you create a personal plan of action, email me.

I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

Common Communication Breakdowns

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.

This is part 3 in my series on communication.
Part 1 – Learning to Communicate: 12 Tips
Part 2 – Communication Basics

Communication is a process. It is circular, both verbal and non-verbal, and it is continuous. You cannot not communicate.

Breakdowns in communication usually occur because:

  • We haven’t developed the skill of communication because we believe we already know how .
  • We are too busy to take time to listen.
  • We avoid what is difficult or we get bored, lazy, anxious, or distracted.
  • We don’t know what we really want, and we don’t know how to ask for it.
  • We haven’t set goals for what we want to accomplish.
  • We don’t know how to organize our thoughts into understandable messages.
  • We don’t feel confident with our communication skills, so we don’t share.
  • We think we may not be understood and fear retaliation or rejection.
  • We don’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone or saying the wrong thing or for owning our feelings.
  • We want to avoid conflicts.
  • We form opinions and resist changing those opinions or deeply held beliefs.

If you are experiencing communication breakdowns, take a week and pay close attention to your conversations.

  • When do they break down?
  • What is happening at that time?
  • What triggers a defensive reaction from you or from the other person?

We grow up talking and responding but are rarely taught communication skills. It is a skill that can be developed when we understand what is involved. Taking time to learn that skill will have enormous benefits.

Communication begins to break down when we stop listening and/or stop checking whether we heard accurately. It isn’t just the words spoken but what was meant by them. Unless we know the intent and what the content meant to the one saying them, we will have problems.

Until we can properly convey what we think and feel without blaming or becoming defensive, we will have difficulties. We end up playing games with one another rather than being honest about how we feel and our commitment to our relationship.

Problems occur when we don’t know how to express what we are feeling and thinking without being accusatory or diminishing our needs.

7 Typical Communication Problems

1. Self-Summarizing Syndrome

Each person continues repeating his/her point of view. Both feel hurt, not heard and neither understands what the other is experiencing nor hears their point of view. Neither stays on the subject long enough to resolve the problem.

If you find yourself in this scenario, ask for a quick timeout to check on feelings, intents and impacts. Ask for feedback. Listen to the feedback. Paraphrase and validate.

When you validate or authenticate the other, you are letting them know you understand their perspective. It is not just saying, “I agree with you,” or “You’re right and I’m wrong.”

2. Off-beaming

The conversation breaks down into rambling. Those involved stray or drift away from what is being discussed in the moment. Either one might start talking about plans for the future or commenting on other things instead of remaining on the subject. This leads to frustration and blaming.

3. Mind Reading

Here we make the assumption that we know what the other is feeling and thinking without checking.

4. Kitchen Sinking

Old history is brought up along with the main issue of every conversation.

Example:

“You’re always watching football. Every Saturday you are watching TV instead of helping around the house. You’re just like your father – never spending time with your kids. Your feet are on the table and when your friends were over they left a big mess. You don’t care about us, or your home and you promised to fix the kitchen sink.”

5. Yes-but. . .

The husband has just given a detailed explanation of why his wife should do something a particular way. He has logically thought it through, and it seems like the best possible solution.

However, the wife had thought of another idea and says, “Yes, but…”

The husband assumes she hasn’t heard him and re-states.

The wife also wants to be heard and responds and thinks to herself, “Nothing I say is really important or accepted.”

One accuses and the other defends with “Yes, but…”

6. Cross-Complaining

Each person states a complaint in response to a complaint. Neither person is responding to the other person.

She: “I saw this cute dress on sale.”

He: “Our budget is way overdrawn. We can’t keep spending money frivolously.”

She: “If we hadn’t bought all that hunting gear last month, we’d have more money to spend.”

7. Standoffs

The same thing is repeated over and over. It usually involves catastrophic expectations with fears about “backing down.”

“If I give in to him, I’ll always be in second place.”

Each person desperately wants approval, acceptance, and validation of feelings.

Each person assumes their same position in every communication scenario, usually thinking, “If he/she would just see my point of view…” “If he/she would just be nice to me…”

Giving in is out of the question. Both people assume they are right and the other wrong.

How to end a standoff:

Genuinely try to see things from your partner’s perspective. Summarize how you think your partner feels.

Communicate that you understand your partner’s perspective – that  what is said makes sense and is valid, even if you don’t agree. You can respect and accept the other’s point of view.

Be aware of the catastrophic expectations you may be attaching to things. Tell yourself you won’t let this happen.

Ask: What can we do to make things better?

State clearly, succinctly, and specifically what you are willing to do to make things better. Present your ideas in positive ways.

If you enjoyed this post, share it with your friends.

Subscribe today to receive a notice in your inbox about each week’s new blog post and podcast episode: http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

To receive a free 15-minute consultation to help you create a personal plan of action, email me.

I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

Communication Basics

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

Get caught up with all episodes in the Developing a New Focus series.

This is part 2 in my series on communication.

Part 1 – Learning to Communicate: 12 Tips

When I’m talking about communication, I am not referring to texting or e-mails or words on a page. I am talking about a face-to-face exchange of ideas. We have a message to send and a message to be received.

Communication breakdown is nothing new.

How often are the messages we send received with the same objective we had in mind? How often do we hear something other than what was intended?

When the communication is among family members and trusted friends, we want that communication to be as honest and genuine as possible.

Our messages go through a filtering system that can color and distort.

We speak and hear from our own experiences, from how we feel in the moment, from our perceptions, and from our interpretations of life.

Knowing this can eliminate a lot of misinterpretations. The more we know another, the more we can take those differences into consideration. But life often intervenes, and things are said one way and heard another.

A significant part of communication is listening.

A good speaker will try to state exactly what he or she is thinking, wanting, or feeling.

The listener can verify what they heard by asking for verification instead of just assuming or filling in the blanks. While it may sound pedantic, clarification can eliminate a lot of misinterpretation.

Feedback lets the other person know what you heard is accurate.

It not only clarifies what was spoken but what interpretation you made. Behaviors often contradict words spoken. When instructions are given it is important that you repeat exactly what was said. At other times, paraphrase what you heard.

Give feedback in some way to be sure you heard accurately.

Here are some communication basics

Listen and Validate

When speaking, state exactly what you are thinking, wanting, or feeling. Use “I” statements.

When listening, make sure you understand what the speaker is saying – the intent, not just the content. We do that by asking questions or giving feedback on what we heard, to clarify, instead of just filling in the gaps with assumptions or guesses.

Provide Feedback

Feedback is telling the other person what you believe was said. You don’t just assume. It prevents resentment, irritation, and incorrect inference about motives.

“Let me be sure I understood you. Did you mean…?”

If the conversation is turning into an argument, ask for a stop action or time out to lower emotional levels, so you can re-focus.

“Let’s stop a minute. I think we are getting away from the problem at hand.”

Messages contain both content and emotional meaning.

“I am upset that you have made different plans.”

Give feedback by clarifying, paraphrasing, or perception checks.

When someone gives you directions or a timeline, clarify by repeating back exactly what you heard.

Paraphrase what was said in your own words. Paraphrasing explores the meaning of what was said. It does not mean the person is being disrespectful or insulting.

“I heard you say _____________. Is that true?”

“Did you say __________?”

“Do you mean _____________?”

Perception checks describe the other person’s feelings. It is not used to express disapproval or approval but simply conveys the desire to better understand how the other is feeling.

“This is how I understand your feelings. Am I accurate?”

“I get the impression you are angry with me when you become quiet. Are you?”

“Am I right that you feel disappointed when your mother criticized you?”

“I am not sure if you are confused or angry with me.”

The next time you are in a conversation and you find yourself getting irritated, check your feeling state and what is going on in your life at that time.

Check the things that might be making your conversation tense for potential misunderstanding, and make adjustments.

If you are a listener, do the same and use the skills of paraphrasing, feedback and clarification to resolve the problem.

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I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

Learning to Communicate: 12 Tips

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

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I want to continue this new year with the overall theme, “Change Your Focus – Change your Life.”

To develop a new focus that will enrich and empower your life, it is important to examine the patterns you have established over time and identify what is working and what is not.

With insight and understanding, you can change ineffective or even destructive patterns, one step at a time. These new patterns become new life tools you can use successfully every day.

Communication is one important life tool.

How often do you experience misunderstandings that have a negative outcome? Have you stopped and asked why you end up struggling so much to get your point across or to understand the other person? Have you thought about why your conversations end up in fights or misinterpretation?

Ineffective communication results in ongoing irritation and division. Why can’t she or he listen? I keep repeating myself, but it never resolves anything.

Soon we see the other in less than loving ways and relationships begin to unravel. We share our complaints with others instead of working together with our loved ones.

The Primary Goal of Communication

Communication is sending and receiving messages that we hope are understood. It involves words and symbols as well as nonverbal language. And most important, it involves careful listening that hears the other person’s intent and meaning.

Effective communication is an interchange, a conversation or dialogue that involves two-way contact where information, ideas and/or perspectives are exchanged with understanding as the primary goal. It requires that you know what you want to say and how to convey it in such a way that the person hearing understands accurately.

Sounds simple. So why do we have so many problems? Why do we have so much difficulty communicating our thoughts, wishes and desires with another? Is there a pattern occurring that continues this breakdown?

Meaningful Communication

There is so much chatter about insignificant things – the weather, what I had for lunch, who I saw at the store, etc. But communication that is meaningful includes a message and a desired outcome that is important to you. In transferring information, your goal is that the other person will understand what you are trying to convey.

Messages contain both thoughts and feelings. Exchanges are often frustrating because we don’t always say what we really mean. People are often too busy to listen to what is being said. And we have difficulty expressing our emotions that define what we are feeling.

There are so many ways to communicate: texting, Facebook, Twitter, e-mails, podcasts, etc. But that is not the same as talking to a person face-to-face, where we can see the responses and have a discussion about difficult issues, asking for clarification to be sure our intent was heard.

Learning to Communicate: 12 Tips | focuswithmarlene.com

12 Tips for Becoming a Good Communicator

1. Check your internal state.

Are you stressed, anxious, fearful, tired, depressed, etc.? How is that affecting what you are trying to say and how you are saying it?

How you feel inside and how you approach problems will be reflected not only in the words you choose, but by your demeanor, body posture and facial expression.

2. Be aware of your nonverbal cues.

We cannot not communicate.  We communicate both verbally and nonverbally. We pay attention to the body and facial expression first and words second.

Does your body posture and facial expression match what you are saying or what you want to convey?

3. Think before you speak.

Organize information before communicating it. What message are you trying to send? Perhaps it is feelings, wants and needs. Too often something someone said triggers a hasty response.

Try to keep main points together and ask for feedback to assure you were heard correctly. Think, ask questions, and verify.

4. Check your perceptual filters.

We each see the world differently. When you are speaking, how does your perception match that of your listener? What is the intention behind your words? Are you being honest? Do you have a hidden agenda you are not willing to admit to? What kind of response is the other person giving you?

5. Know how to ask for wants and needs.

If you want something, ask for it – don’t automatically assume others will know what you need or want. Don’t assume you will always get what you want.

6. Respect the rights of others.

Respect their space, their feelings, their integrity, and their intelligence. Are you attentive and do you show an interest in the person you are speaking with? Can you reinforce that attentiveness by eye contact, smiling, nodding, and with appropriate gestures?

7. Ask for feedback.

Don’t assume the other person heard everything and automatically understands what you are trying to say.

8. Use reflective language – validate feelings.

People who are emotionally upset, angry, or whose emotions are heightened or mixed may feel they shouldn’t have these feelings. They can become defensive or aggressive. They need validation that they are okay in spite of harsh feelings.

9. Let people know you are listening.

Use “uh-huhs,” “I see,” and other verbal and physical ways to let the other know you are listening. Be real. Really listen – don’t just pretend. Turn off the thinking and response mechanisms and focus on what the other person is saying, both verbally and physically.

10. Use “I” statements.

An “I” statement tells others how you feel, what you are thinking and what bothers you and what you want. It accepts responsibility for how you feel in response to whatever is happening.

11. Eliminate “you” statements.

“You” statements hold the other person responsible for how you feel. “You” statements blame, accuse, label, judge and evaluate. They are meant to intimidate and they create defensiveness.

12. Eliminate powerless talk.

If you have something to say, say it. But say it politely, specifically, and firmly. Powerless talk is tentative and hesitant. It hedges or qualifies what you say with statements such as “I guess” or “you know.”

Tag questions are attached to statements, such as, “It sure is cold in here, isn’t it?”  Powerless talk adds disclaimers to statements. For example, “Don’t get me wrong, but…”

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I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

8 Qualities of Hope

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

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I have published several variations of this post and it remains one of my favorites. For me, it is a meaningful ending to a turbulent year.

Hope that Sustains

 “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

—Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

When everything around us seems to be crashing, and we think nothing else could possibly happen, it invariably does.

Problems have a domino effect – one problem creates another and so on. At such times, we cry out to God for strength and hope.

Throughout scripture, we read stories of God gracing His people with faith, hope and trust. It says something good and desirable can happen, even in the worst of times.

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

—Isaiah 40:31, KJV

Hope! It is a gift I cannot refuse.

Hope is the conviction that God will be with me through all things. He catches me when reality doesn’t match my expectations and I begin to fall. When reality has dashed my dreams, I need to turn my fear of falling into floating with the confidence that God is with me, ready to set me safely on the ground.

Hope encourages.

When encouraged, we gain confidence. Within confidence, we find courage.

Hope motivates.

With encouragement, we become motivated to look for solutions to tough problems and difficult life situations.

Hope energizes.

When we feel helpless and hopeless, our energy is drained, and depression settles into every cell and fiber of our body. Hope changes that in an instant. It allows us to focus on what we can do rather than what we cannot do. Hope literally changes the chemistry in our body.

hope

Hope expects.

When hopeful, we expect a different outcome. We don’t worry about whether the earth will keep rotating, or whether the sun will come up in the morning or go down at night. We know that when the sun is hidden in the clouds, that it still exists.

Hope expects that tomorrow can be brighter than today, that our pain will recede, and that we will experience joy again. Hope says that when the world seems dark and we think we have been locked in a prison of despair, we can place our expectation on God for help in our time of need.

Hope believes.

When expectations are placed in God, we believe that He not only exists, but that He loves us, and will never leave or desert us. He gives us the strength to endure. Hope believes God’s word that says He cares personally about each of us, and that His love is so great, He was willing to die for us.

Hope never gives up.

Hope doesn’t quit. When we are exhausted and think we can’t do anything more, we hear God whispering to us, “I am there with you. Try again – one more time.” We feel His arms carry us. We hear His promises in our ear and feel His strength flow into us. He intervenes in our lives.

Hope surrenders.

When we surrender to the knowledge that we do not know it all, will never know it all and need God to survive, we begin to experience hope. Hope relies on something greater than ourselves. We recognize that we are not sufficient unto ourselves. In that surrender, we let go and let God. The focus is no longer making something happen but surrendering to God and adjusting our responses. In that surrender, we find peace. Hope then reveals itself in looking for and finding blessings in all things.

The Easter story reveals life after death, a new life that goes beyond the grave; a hope of salvation made possible by God. Within our tragedies, lies new hope and new life as well. With hope we can overcome anything.

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine. When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you. When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. When you’re between a rock and a hard place it won’t be a dead end – because I am God, your personal God.”

—Isaiah 43:1-2, The Message

Lord, we give you thanks for dying on the cross to save us from our sins and giving us hope and strength and peace.

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I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

Peace: A Gift We are Given

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

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“And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”

—Philippians 4:7 (New Oxford Annotated Bible)

Peace. One moment our spirits are dejected and depressed – the next we are feeling at peace.

What changes have occurred to create this difference?

When losses run deep and grief has a longer time frame to complete, we may find ourselves feeling okay one moment and down in the dumps the next.

I have found my spirit and soul fed by the statements of faith, assurance and love I find in the scriptures. It is where I experience God reaching out to me and where I find peace in the midst of any turmoil or tragedy.

There is much I am personally responsible for: challenging negative thinking, reframing self-defeating self-talk and changing my focus.

I am responsible for taking charge of my life, setting goals, making decisions, and working through problems. But when I am in the midst of traumas, critical losses, uncertainty and pain, I also need the healing Spirit of God.

Grieving our losses enables us to heal, recover and integrate into our life story what has happened. We are molded and expanded by our losses. As we let go and risk being in uncertainty and anxiety, we discover more about ourselves than we could have at any other time. Unwanted change can create a whole new landscape of possibilities and choices we had not been exposed to.

Peace enables us to stay with the ambiguity and insecurity and doubt until we have worked through it.

Peace | focuswithmarlene.com

Peace comes when…

  • We don’t know the answers and stop asking the questions
  • We accept what has happened and choose to move forward
  • We don’t have to be perfect – we are okay just as we are
  • We rest in God’s assurances
  • We allow love to perform its healing power
  • We dig deep inside and pull out the strength and resilience that is there
  • We make the choice to become responsible and take charge of our life
  • We choose to focus on where we are headed and not where we have been

It is then that peace will energize, motivate, encourage, and lead us to a new path that holds promise of purpose and meaning.

If you enjoyed this post, share it with your friends.

Subscribe today to receive a notice in your inbox about each week’s new blog post and podcast episode: http://eepurl.com/baaiQ1

To receive a free 15-minute consultation to help you create a personal plan of action, email me.

I am also available for speaking engagements, retreats or teaching workshops for your church, clubs, or women’s groups.

What if…

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Listen to this episode of the Focus with Marlene Podcast:

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“For we live by believing, not by seeing.”

—2 Corinthians 5:7, NLT

What if

We stopped trying to live the perfect life.

Would we become real?

What if

We stopped pretending we had it all together.

Would we fall apart, or would we finally recognize our need for help?

What if

We saw the Ten Commandments as a gift from a loving Father trying to teach us how to live non-destructive lives.

Would we follow more of them?

What if

We really believed God cared about us more than any earthly being could.

Would we finally trust and believe?

What if

We could actually say, “I’m a sinner, Lord; forgive me.”

Would we finally set down that bag of garbage we’ve been carrying around all these years?

Would we stop struggling and find rest and peace?

What if

We gave our “hearts” to God instead of our good intentions and good works?

Would we be able to let go of our fake facades and be transformed?

What if

We accepted God’s forgiveness.

Would we find peace?

What if

We forgave ourselves.

Would we be more forgiving of others?

What if

We actually loved ourselves because God loves us?”

Would we be able to love others more?

What if

We saw service as a joy instead of a duty.

Would those we serve see the love and compassion of a God who loves them too?

What if

We came and sat with God every day:  talking – listening – being still?

Would we hear His quiet but strong voice?

What if

Instead of asking “Why, why, why? – Why did this happen?… Why did God allow this?… Why did I screw up again?… Why can’t I ever get anything right?… Why, why, why?” We simply said, “I don’t know why, and I don’t care. I just know God loves me – period. He said it; I believe it.”

If He has the power to create this entire universe, this world, all the laws of science that maintain it, and you and me, then do I really need to know all the whys?

What if

There was no God?

It would be the day I died, and life no longer had meaning. The universe would no longer reflect light. The earth would stop rotating and on that day I would be joyless, lifeless. There would be no love – no laws – no protection – no joy – nothing! The earth would be full of nothing. It would consist only of facades, distorted mirrors, and no way to get out of the endless cycle of lies, deceit, and greed. Everyone would be left with a life that had no meaning, rotating around and around on a merry-go-round that never stopped, and we would experience hopelessness and despair.

No God? Impossible!

Lord, help me to believe when I struggle, to have faith when everything seems to be going wrong and to know that You are always there for us.