When we are constantly angry we tend to be reactive. And when we are reactive we may not choose the best response.

We would like to think of ourselves as rational and level headed. Yet when a car cuts us off on the freeway, we find ourselves wanting to get even. When our spouse does not acknowledge appreciation for all the things we do, or people at work just keep taking advantage of us, we want to retaliate.

There continues to be that child in us that wants revenge when life isn’t fair.

When anger is often our first response to events, it may be because there have been many times in our past when we have been angry and have not been allowed to express it in any way.

Perhaps we have been treated unfairly and our good intentions and sacrifices have been dismissed as nothing. Wounds from childhood run deep. While they may be buried in our sub-conscious, we continue to be influenced by them.  

But we can make a choice to heal old wounds, let go of past anger and choose a different response. We do not need to be a victim of our past.

If you find you are feeling angry a lot of the time, ask yourself

• What were you told about anger when you were little?

• List the times in your past when your anger was not expressed or acknowledged

• Where is your anger directed: toward yourself, others, your parents, boss, your past, etc.

• When you feel angry, does the situation warrant that feeling?

Nowhere do we see anger more often than when we fall into a “victim role.” Being a victim takes away our personal power to make changes and choices. Only children are true victims.

Anger fuels resentment. Resentment becomes a “grievance story” that we rehearse and repeat over and over again. Grievance stories begin to dominate our life robbing us of joy, pleasure and peace. It gradually spreads out to an overlying attitude.

Even when we feel we have limited options we have the ability to choose our responses. Even when events make us feel angry, we do not have to keep that anger.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

When we are reactive we become a prisoner to other people and events.

People make us upset. We become defensive or go on the attack. The world determines whether I can be successful or not. We are reacting to situations instead of initiating what we want to happen. 

When we are reactive, we make hasty and impetuous decisions. We don’t stop to think through our responses and choose ones that are not appropriate.

In the process we become impulsive and act on sudden urges or desires. Our behaviors become motivated by impulse instead of thoughtfully thinking things through. We may think that is the way we keep from being taken advantage of. In truth, it is not.

When we are reactive we seldom think we have legitimate choices we can make. Opportunities are for other people. We are simply a victim to our circumstances and we spend a lot of time preparing a long list of reasons to substantiate our position of being a victim.

Reactive people often become aggressive. They don’t believe they have any control over their lives.

Their knee-jerk reaction to anything painful or difficult is to find someone or something to blame and then look for a quick fix to feel better.

Responses are lacking in judgment and discretion.

Reactive individuals often become jaded and cynical. If you are not able to have control over your emotional responses, you are like a piece of laundry on a clothes line that is whipped around by whatever wind is blowing through.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

We are re-acting all the time to people and events that are happening in the moment.

We will experience a whole range of emotions: anger, fear, anxiety, worry, hate, betrayal, rejection, unwanted, ashamed, inadequate, unappreciated, upset, deflated, and the list goes on.

Becoming proactive does not mean we won’t experience reactive emotions. All emotions are important and tell us something. But it does mean that we choose what we do with them. Emotions give us the information we need to determine our actions.

If you haven’t already done so, become familiar with the emotions you experience on a daily basis.

How often do you feel angry? Ask yourself why you feel so angry all the time. Is it because you feel you are being taken advantage of, manipulated, or lied to?

Do you feel you have little control over your circumstances? How often do you feel anxious or worry? Is it because you are uncertain about what you should do?

How often do you feel resentful? Is it because you fear becoming responsible due to a lack of self worth and self confidence?

How often do you feel happy? Is being happy a conscious decision made by you in spite of what is going on around you?

Is my reaction appropriate for what is happening in the moment or is it influenced by my past? Is there a problem I need to identify and resolve?

When we are pro-active we determine how we want to treat people, how we want to be treated, how we treat ourselves, and how we will become responsible for our emotions and behaviors. We don’t continue doing things that aren’t working. We take new information and start applying it.

When we are pro-active we are self-directed. We purposefully replace attitudes, thinking and behavior patterns that restrict us from reaching our goals. We choose to be happy.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

If we grew up without learning the life skills that help us communicate our wants and needs, how do we go about learning and applying these skills? It is easy to read and understand what they do. It’s not as easy to apply them to our life.

First, be honest.

Perhaps the hardest thing for us to do is to stop blaming. Ask yourself in the privacy of your own thoughts, how has my attitude affected my relationships with my boss or other people at work? How has it affected my marriage?

Taking responsibility for our emotions and responses does not mean we simply let people walk over us or we have no say. It simply determines how we handle situations.

Second, determine what you want

How do you want to live your life? Would you like to be more open and flexible to ideas and differences of opinion? Then make a point to listen to opposing points of view without predetermined judgment or bias. Listening respectfully and genuinely doesn’t mean you have to agree.

Would you like to be more caring and accepting of people? Purposefully set aside time to reach out to someone in need. Perhaps it is simply acknowledging a grief or loss, being present for someone going through a tough time, being willing to do something for someone, doing a good deed or saying a kind word where one is neither expected nor necessary.

There are so many opportunities in our everyday life where we can express kindness, understanding and assistance without it costing us a dime and in most cases little time.

Third, do unto others what you would like others to do unto you

Would you like to be accepted more by others? Then be accepting of others. Would you like to be respected? Then respect others. Even if you do not get an immediate payback from doing this, you will find it gratifying anyway.

If you want to be respected, then respect the boundaries and opinions of others and express your own boundaries. We often get hurt because we don’t know what we will accept and won’t accept.

It takes time to put a new skill in place. But remember when you choose the principles you want to apply to your life you are doing it because you want to feel good about yourself. When we set aside old behaviors and responses that do not reach our personal and social goals, we can replace them with confidence.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

If we are going to become responsible for our emotions and responses to life we need to look at our attitudes.

What is Attitude?

An attitude is a mindset, an approach to life, a way we look at the world. It is a point of view we hold of our ability to function and interact with our world.

Our attitude will affect our physical posture when interacting with other people and it may be deliberate or unconscious.

An attitude is a stance or position we take. That stance can be arrogant or assertive. It will usually be a position we take when faced with a challenge.

We see attitudes played out in the subtleties of expressions of the face as well as how the feet are placed and the placement of hands and arms. It is seen in our personal space and who is allowed within in its circle and who isn’t. We are expressing to another our opinion and personal view about something without even saying a word.

Our attitude reflects the way we think and the beliefs we hold –many of which we are not even aware.

In aviation, attitude is the angle of an aircraft in relation to the direction of the airflow or horizontal plane. In aerospace, attitude is the angle of a spacecraft in relation to its direction of movement.

If we were to apply that to ourselves, we might say that our attitude is the way we place ourselves in relation to our direction or movement with co-workers, bosses, spouses, children, neighbors and every aspect of our life.

We determine our attitude.  We determine the mindset of how we see the world and interact with it. 

If our attitude is based on the past it might be full of biases and unresolved anger and resentment. When it is based on the here and now, we are choosing to act in a certain way irregardless of our past.

A friendly and welcoming attitude does not mean we won’t set limits, boundaries or rules of engagement. It does mean we start from a positive stance rather than one that is uptight, suspicious and narrow.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

I’m sure you have heard the phrase the only thing that is constant is change.

We can prepare for specific changes: retirement, establishing budgets and savings for emergencies, spending within our limits, setting specific long term goals.

But it is more difficult to prepare for those things that occur outside the realm of our control and planning: devastating weather or natural disasters, the birth of a severely handicapped child, a chronic and debilitating illness, financial collapse, terminal illness, and accidents that cripple and change life forever. These events literally turn our world upside down and inside out. They stretch our limits: financial, emotional and physical.

Is there a way to prepare for unexpected catastrophic events that might make a difference in the outcome?

Perhaps one of the most beneficial skills you can put in place is the ability to be flexible.

Can you roll with the punches? Let go of everything else and assess your situation in 3 specific ways:

• What can I do – what is under my control and what isn’t?

• What do I need to do this very instant – what can wait?

• What life strategies can I use to help me?

Fear knocks out our ability to think. In emergencies we need to be able to act quickly but wisely and prudently. At such moments we rely on our ability to put strong emotions aside so we can think rationally. We need to be able to assess what needs to be done, what we can do and what we can’t.

While anger can be a strong motivator, acting on emotion itself puts us on a dangerous course – one that can create more destruction rather than the finding of solutions.

When faced with tough situations or decisions, curb your strong emotions by focusing on a broader picture. What happens to you affects others in your life as well. Righting wrongs takes a sensitive but also balanced approach.

Rational thinking is based on evidence, sensible thinking and judgment rather than emotion or prejudice.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

We learn in many ways. When we are little, we learn by experimenting: falling down, getting hurt and gradually learning what not to do. We also learn by observing: what did our parents do – not just what they said, but how did they live their lives. How do other kids respond to what I say or do? We rarely think about it at the time, but simply absorb it into our consciousness.

As we get older, we learn from information we gather and apply to our lives through college, taking specific classes such as parenting or communication or other life strategy enhancing classes or private study.

There are many experiences we either don’t learn from or are unable to construct a clear picture of what it is we ought to be learning. Often we put together complex or incomplete information and add the missing pieces.

In the process, we often construct an inaccurate picture of what is happening. But we take that incomplete or inaccurate picture and formulate our opinions, attitudes, beliefs and act upon them as if they were the truth.

When confronted with a problem or situation that isn’t working, ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is it I want to have happen?

2. What am I doing that furthers that goal?

3. What is under my control to bring about my desired goal and what is not?

4. What things can I do that would help me arrive at the desired solution without compromising my values, principles or position?

Exploring our patterns of behavior, attitude, expectations and assumptions can give us clues as to whether we are working for or against our best interest.

We create unenforceable rules through the expectations we hold about what others must, should or ought to abide by and act on them instead of the goal we want to accomplish.

Here is just one example: You want to improve the relationship in your marriage. If you focus on all the things you don’t like in your spouse instead of the good things, you may be defeating your purpose. The goal no longer is to develop a better relationship; it has shifted to whether or not your mate is abiding by the rules you have put in place.

In a previous blog, I suggested looking at a prior situation that didn’t go well and ask yourself what you might have done differently (see “Our Internal Critic, 9-27-12).

This time, think about a time when your goal was met. What did you do? How did you respond to what was happening? What attitudes and expectations did you have? Were you an active participant who both listened and shared? Did you negotiate? How could you apply some of these same strategies to other situations?

In my upcoming blogs, I will give more examples of defining what you want and ways to work towards that goal.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

There’s a time to wait and a time to act. Discernment is never easy. But it is a skill worth developing.

Who do you listen to? Whose advice is more sound?

A friend struggles to make the best decision for a declining spouse. Where will she receive the best care? When should I intervene as an advocate? Is what I observe my own bias and fear or a red flag that requires further attention?

It is never easy to evaluate options in order to make the best decision. Sometimes, we just don’t have enough data and our choices have to be made based on limited information.

The first place I go when faced with making tough choices is God. I can’t imagine living a life that doesn’t include God. The world is fickle and what is acceptable and unacceptable can change depending on the mood and culture of the moment. Yet there is a difference between the wisdom of man and the wisdom and Word of God. Man is fickle – God’s wisdom and saving grace is eternal.

If you haven’t done so before, and you are at the cross roads of making important decisions, perhaps this is the time to bow your head and heart and ask for wisdom, strength and understanding from God. Perhaps it is a time to pick up your bible and read the stories of lives just like ours. It may forever change how you see the world, problems, people and life. It may be the best decision of your life.

Marlene Anderson