In the Introduction to the Book of Joshua, Eugene Peterson writes in the Message:

“God’s great love and purposes for us are worked out in the messes, storms and sins, blue skies, daily work and dreams of our common lives, working with us as we are and not as we should be.”

This last summer, a friend asked if I would help put together a program for women in the workplace who are struggling with high costs, diminished pay, and higher workloads. They are often the sole parent raising children and keeping homes together with little support. Their fears are huge, at times bordering on terror. Their workload increases daily with stress levels that border on the breaking point. What happens if I lose my job? How do I survive? How do I pay off my huge student loan? What will I do?

My friend’s question to me was, “What is the next step for these women? What path are they to be on? How can we help combat the fear and terror and provide a support system for them?”

“What is the next step? What is the next path?”

As I pondered her concerns and desires, I reflected on her question. These women did all the things they were told they ought to do to be successful. They got college degrees, thought out their career choices carefully and worked hard, but things weren’t working and the future looked hopeless, depressing and downright terrifying.

I thought about the “next steps” in my own life that were not planned for:

• Two special needs children
• A mother-in-law with increased care needs
• The death of  my husband that took me out of early retirement and demanded huge changes as my life was turned upside down and inside out.

Life has a way of altering our plans and our goals, and we find ourselves up against a towering mountain or one step from falling into a precipice.

What is the next step for you? I don’t know. But I do know that when life throws you curve balls, it is a time to stop, reflect, pray and listen to what God may have for you in the moment.

It doesn’t mean you scrap your long term goals. God sees a bigger picture.

Perhaps it is a time for you to get into a relationship with God. Perhaps it is a time of personal growth where you ask yourself, what am I supposed to be learning? Perhaps it is a shift in focus from struggling to developing faith. There may be a detour from your long term goals.

STOP – Reflect – Pray – Listen.

Whatever the next step is for you, when you ask God for His direction for your next step, you will be given strength and courage to take whatever step is required in the moment. Even if it is a different path – a different direction – it will have long term purpose and growth for you.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

My husband and I were sailboat cruisers. We moved to the beautiful northern Washington State area so we could take advantage of the wonderful cruising opportunities available in the San Juan Islands.

When you do any serious sailing or cruising it is important to learn the rules of the road, know where the shipping lanes are, what the different buoys mean, know how to chart a course and take into consideration prevailing winds, tides and currents. Without these basics you can easily get into trouble.

So it is in life. We need to learn what it means to be comfortable at the helm, where the rip tides are, how to avoid submerged but dangerous rocks and where the safe passages are located. Preparation not only includes knowledge of the areas where we are sailing, but also preparation of the boat and ourselves.

There were times when we had charted a course, set the boat on its path and then were able to activate the automatic pilot – a self-steering apparatus which enabled you to take your hand off the wheel and allow the automatic pilot to take over.

But you never left the area – you continued to monitor where you were going so in a moment’s notice you could resume control of the helm – especially if you were cruising among the islands. While the automatic pilot could self-correct within a predetermined set path, it couldn’t anticipate the unexpected.

So, it is with us. We set our goals, develop a course of action and then we move on automatic pilot. Yet if we have not prepared for the unexpected, know what to do when the weather changes, the fog rolls in or the winds whip up the waves, we will not know how to take over the helm and self-correct our directions and our actions.

Unless you are in danger of running aground, crashing into a barrier reef, or being run over by a ferry or large ship, correcting course on a boat usually requires small actions. The rudder on any size boat is relatively small in relation to the size of the boat, but its steering capacity is remarkable.

When we have dealt with unexpected changes in the past with panic and severe re-actions, it takes time to replace those habits with calm and thoughtful responses. Your first response to any perceived or real danger may continue to be panic and fear.

While fear and panic can motivate you to take immediate emergency action to correct a direction, if the situation doesn’t warrant such action, your responses simply continue to elevate heart pressure, put your body and mind in high stress and you become a candidate for major health problems at some point.

How do you change the habit of over-reacting to events? You learn a new way to assess, evaluate and respond.

Go back in your mind and revisit events where you panicked or worried. What automatic panic thoughts did you have? How did your body respond? (Heart racing, stomach flips, etc.) Did that way response help you resolve the situation or make it worse? Thursday we will look at ways to put new responses in place.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

When we are listening to our internal critic it  simply replays all the things we do wrong. It reminds us we are no good and will never do anything right. And we find ourselves either beating ourselves up or constantly trying to defend ourselves.

When we are learning any new skill, there is a learning curve.  With each new layer of learning we become more adept at that skill.

When we realize that developing our talents and skills in life is an ongoing process versus a one time event, we can relax, accept the fact that we are constantly learning and grow from them.  

Learning from experiences does not mean we won’t feel bad, defensive, annoyed, guilty or ashamed. The difference is what we tell ourselves about the experience and what we do with it.

If we are unable to learn from our experiences, we will become a victim, blame what is happening on others or become a defeatist and resentful. When operating in that mode of thinking, we are unable to make the changes we desire.

When we accept both our more pleasing attributes and our less desirable ones, we can accept constructive criticism, tell ourselves what we did may not have been the best choice and change behaviors. We do not have to be either right or wrong. 

Think back to times when things went wrong. Close your eyes and revisit the event.

Who was involved? What did you do? What was the response from others? What messages did you hear from others? What emotions did you feel and what were the automatic thoughts that accompanied those emotions? What did you tell yourself? How would you like to replay this event?

Beating ourselves up does not help us learn. Always blaming others or circumstances doesn’t help either. Carefully examining our behaviors, our “unenforceable rules”, our thought processes and our beliefs, however, will help to broaden our frame of reference about events and our experiences. 

Develop a pro-active attitude that says I can learn something valuable from every experience that will benefit me. Then establish the principles and values you want to follow regardless of what anyone else is doing.  You don’t have to be re-active.

We can admit when we are wrong and when we are right. We become compassionate and give grace to both ourselves and others. We accept our own vulnerabilities and inabilities and extend the same consideration to others. We recognize that we are not the center of the universe. We can acknowledge that we do not know everything and become excited about learning.  

We can correct destructive behavior patterns and feel good about it.

©Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

As I went to physical therapy today for a sore shoulder, I was reminded that I needed to slow down and do my exercises slowly. 

But I am so used to rushing here and there keeping up with a very busy schedule that it requires a conscious and deliberate choice for me to slow down.

We rush through life with every day becoming more stressful than the last.  From time to time we need to remind ourselves to slow down.  Take time to breathe, release tension and relax stressed muscles. 

Its time for a Time Out from busyness and even conversations.  

STOP

• compulsing
• comparing
• complaining
• judging
• obsessing
• worrying
• freaking out
• running in circles

Just Stop – Take a Time Out. And for five to ten minutes just “Be”.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

If your internal critic is constantly being triggered, nagging you and won’t leave you alone, stop and consider what it is saying.

Remember, these messages are coming from your past and are demeaning and negative. They are messages you heard as a child that label you and remind you of all your failures.

They include such things as: why do you always do such stupid things, won’t you ever learn, what’s wrong with you, why can’t you be like your sister/brother, you’ll never amount to anything. They include bully and peer comments such as ugly, fatty, teacher’s pet, stupid, etc.

So if your internal critic is drowning out any positive thinking it is time to take some drastic measures.

1.   Give your internal critic a name.

2.   Tell it you have heard his/her message many times and you do not need to keep hearing the same thing over and over again.

3.   Tell it to sit down and be quiet. Be assertive.

4.   The messages from your past are taped – the critic is the voice. Visualize holding a remote control with a huge stop and play button. Whenever the play button has been triggered, visually see yourself pushing STOP.

5.   The taped messages and critic have been around for a long time. You may have to be very forceful. If you are alone, say out loud, STOP. I do not need to hear your negativity. Or say STOP forcefully in your mind.

Now replace with positive affirmations:

• I am not my past – I am me in the present

• I am becoming more competent every day

• I accept myself unconditionally – both my strengths and my weaknesses

• I evaluate and make appropriate decisions

• I look for solutions to my problems

• I am pro-active and my efforts make a difference

• I strive for balance and harmony in my life

Affirmations are a positive statement of something you are affirming in yourself. When we replace negative statements with positive affirmations we allow ourselves to learn from our mistakes.

We are not perfect. We can affirm our ability to make new choices that not only affirm ourselves but others as well. We can learn from our experiences to become more of who we are.

©2012 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

It is always amazing to see God work and to have the opportunity to be a small part of that work.

This last weekend women’s retreat, “Healing the Wounded Heart, Transformation through Pain,” hosted by Pastor Mary Lou Sanders, in Winthrop was such a blessed event. New friendships were made, new support systems set up, and hope rekindled as women embraced one another and God. Deb Kalmbach and I were so privileged to be presenters for this retreat and it was such fun working with her.

Pain comes in so many different packages and wears so many different faces.  Pain from losses, death, disappointments, unrealistic expectations, abusive or rejecting childhoods.  When in pain all we want to do is push it away, medicate it or somehow try to deny its existence.  But the only way to heal from pain is to confront it, work through it and learn from its messages. 

Thank you, Pastor Mary Lu, for having the vision and determination to put this retreat together. Wish you could have been there. 

I will share some more of that wonderful retreat in the upcoming weeks.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

As we grow up we are constantly hearing messages that label us in some way.

Messages such as: you will never amount to anything, why can’t you be like your sister, why won’t you listen, how can you be so stupid.

Some are direct labels: fatty, teacher’s pet, stupid, etc. All of these cut deep into our psyche while growing up.

As adults, we often don’t realize that we continue to listen to those old messages. When things go wrong, our services are no longer needed, there are unwarranted reprimands, or we never receive positive feedback, those old messages can be triggered and we hear our “Internal Critic” remind us of all our failures, our inabilities, our lack of worth, yet again.

First we re-experience the feelings we felt: shame, anger, frustrated, worthless, helpless, unimportant, defeated, depressed, disgraced, demoralized, miserable, unappreciated, and discouraged along with all their accompanying thoughts that say, we are no good, won’t ever amount to anything, why try, etc.

These messages become statements of truth when we are children. A child accepts them as a true reflection of who they are. Children do not have the ability to question their validity.

But these are not statements based on fact but rather are biased, skewed and emotional comments that usually have little to do with us. But once we accept them as fact and truth, we not only listen to them, we continue to defend them as adults.

That internal tape recorder that replays things from our past is our Internal Critic. When we become stressed, life becomes uncertain, our job skills are rejected or we are challenged to make important life changes, the play button on our tape recorder is activated and our Internal Critic begins reminding us that we are no good and never will be.

Past experiences can teach us to not make the same mistakes over and over again and can help us examine behaviors and attitudes to make better choices.

But our internal critic has nothing good to say about us. Its message is always the same: We are flawed, we will always make the same mistakes, and we will always screw up.

How can you tell when your internal critic is talking or when important past experiences are giving you information?

Your internal critic gives you no options. Its message is cast in stone. You are worthless. This is who you are. You screwed up in the past so you will screw up in the future.

Past experiences may reflect our bad choices, but we are given options to make better choices. We don’t have to make the same mistakes. We can learn from them. And, past experiences also affirms all the things we have done well.

In Monday’s blog, I will give you some strategies to turn off your Internal Critic.

©2012 Marlene Anderson,  MA, LMHC, NCC

Nothing perpetuates fear faster than regenerating it through our thoughts.

What are you saying to yourself about yourself and your situation? We need to have time to share with with friends our concerns and problems. But when we have a continual stream of conversation with ourselves that is focused on our “What if’s”, worry and fear, problems take on a larger than life persona.  

Our brains respond to the thoughts that stream through our consciousness. If your brain is constantly hearing you say how bad things are, how little control you have, how helpless you are, how others are so much better off than you, blah, blah, blah, you will act in that way.

If you think there is no use in trying, you will have little motivation to try and little creative energy to get moving again.

Our thinking produces a self-fulfilling prophecy. Negative beliefs soon become a reality.

We can perpetuate our problems or we can find solutions to them. We can give up or we can generate options.  

Problems become like a mirror – we stand in front of them and all we see is the problem. We polish it; look at it continually and our problems become our frame of reference for life.

Put up a new mirror that reflects possibilities and options. Let go of what is not working, even if it worked at one time.

Challenge Negative Thoughts 

Challenging negative thoughts is asking yourself, “who says I can’t do it? Who says I’ll fail? Who says I’m no good? Who says I can’t change directions?” Where are those messages coming from?  They usually come from an Internal Critic we have adopted.

Instead ask yourself:

What can I learn from this situation. What do I need to do different? What do I need to avoid? Where can I put my energy, experience and learning to my best advantage? What am I learning about myself? How will this help me reach my long term goals?

Replace with Affirmations:

• I am confident in my ability to develop my passions and my goals
• Mistakes help me correct course
• Each time I try, I am getting better and better
• I am in charge of my thoughts, beliefs and emotions
• I believe in myself
• I believe in my ability to become the best I can be

Adopt an “I Can Do It” mindset.  Tell yourself no matter how hard it is, giving up is not an option.

©2012 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

We can challenge our fears about job loss and rising living costs by taking positive action; cutting our expenses, becoming a smart shopper and taking advantage of bargains and second hand stores.

Cutting up credit cards, buying only what we need, and sticking to a realistic budget can help us say NO to unnecessary wants while we take charge of our lives. 

But if you are continually unhappy, stressed and exhausted, and find it difficult to find meaning in the work you do, it might be time to reconsider your goals, passions and career.   

You may have chosen your current occupation because you believed it would give you financial security or professional status or a thousand and one other reasons. But fear is keeping you from exploring alternatives.

If this is a career choice that isn’t a good fit for who you are, even if you have invested a lot of time, energy and education in getting you there, you will remain stressed, burned out and exhausted.

Brian Souza, in his book, Become Who you were Born to Be, writes,

“Happiness in life is not about money, fame, recognition, or even competition. Successful people love what they do and feel compelled to express the best that is within them. They don’t strive to be better than their neighbors or contemporaries – they strive to be better than themselves.”

What energizes you?

What things create an instantaneous and intense enthusiastic response from you? What kind of work could you do all day and never get tired? What dream or burning desire do you have? Is there a need for this in the marketplace? How can I harness my passion and make money? Can I do this part time or as a second job?

If you have prepared for a downturn, have developed your marketable skills, and have put your financial house in order, perhaps this is a time when you need to explore what you were truly meant to do – what energizes you.

In my upcoming blogs, I will talk about challenging and replacing negative thoughts that stream through our consciousness and keep us from exploring alternatives. 

©2012 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Stop spending and start saving. Figure out how to live with less. Replace a spending habit with a savings habit.

Pay off those credit cards. Challenge yourself. Be brutally honest about your spending habits. Then make a commitment to invest in You.

There are many financial advisors today who write blogs and articles on how to build a savings program, develop a reserve and make smart investments. Learn as much as you can about what it takes to make your money work for you.

Remember, you worked for your money. You earned it. You are in charge of it. Only you can decide what you do with it. Make it work for you. 

If you are used to living from paycheck to paycheck you might think saving is impossible. It isn’t. But it does take self discipline.

Years ago, when I was 17 and barely surviving on a minimum wage, I didn’t think I would ever be able to save anything. But I followed a principle I was taught as a kid – save 10% of what you earn. How could I save when I barely could pay for rent and food?

First I had to find out where I spent my money outside of housing, transportation and food. So, for one month I wrote down every expenditure I made. I was surprised to discover that a lot of my money was spent on impulse buying – not large items, but nickel and dime stuff. A lunch out, a lipstick I didn’t really need, that cute set of earrings I couldn’t live without.

It was the little things that quickly ate up my money. When I stopped all impulse spending, I was able to save a $1,000 in a year’s time.

Back then, that was a lot of money. It took a lot of discipline, a commitment to a principle I believed in and diligence. But when I had that money in the bank, I really felt good about my accomplishment. Today I continue to challenge my spending in relation to my income and what I have invested to grow.

©2012 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC