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Posts Categorized: Developing a New Focus

Discerning Hidden Agendas in Relationships

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Like any skill we gain competence in, communication needs to be practiced. But like any habit we put in place, it is easy to get discouraged and go back to old ways of doing things.

Too often we come to our conversations with a hidden agenda – a motive that isn’t always clear to us.

We don’t come to resolve problems, but to convince the other person they need to change.

We want the other person to see and hear and accept our point of view – we don’t really want to hear theirs. We want to be understood and accepted just as we are.

Today on my blog and podcast, we’ll discuss our motives in communication, and actions we can put in place to nurture thriving relationships.

Understanding Conflict and Working Through It

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

A lot of our conflicts are fueled by early childhood experiences, those internalized and unresolved memories that trigger anger and resentment and drastically influence the relationships we have as adults.

Before you can negotiate conflicts, you need to first understand what you bring to them.

  • What triggers a conflict for you?
  • What are you feeling and experiencing?

That requires honesty without making excuses. It is so easy to see ourselves as a victim and play the blame game. However, when you give up your responsibility, you also give up your personal power.

“That’s Not What I Meant”: 11 Pointers to Promote Good Listening

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

“But you said…”

“No, I didn’t…”

“Yes, I heard you say…”

“Well, that’s not what I meant!”

And so, it goes – round and round and round, until we end up with two angry people who continue to find ways to attack, defend, and destroy each other.

You were sure you said what you believed would be easily understood. And yet, that is not what the other person heard. Anger is intensified, and you dig in your heels and refuse to budge.

How did we get into this conflict in the first place? And how do we get out of it?

Today on my blog and podcast, I’ll share 11 pointers to help you improve your listening skills.

Purposeful Conversation

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

As I sat with my friend, having dinner, I was struck by how many couples were sitting opposite each other, engrossed in their cell phones, with only an occasional comment to their partner. Or they were simply sitting quietly, looking out the window or watching the activity in the restaurant, each deep in their own thoughts, with emptiness reflected on their faces.

Where was the active engagement in conversation? Where was the listening, gesturing, offering points of view, and laughing?

Today on my blog and podcast, we’ll discuss the ways in which purposeful conversations are essential to healthy relationships.

The Value of Investing in Relationships

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

When we talk about investments, it usually relates to what stocks we have, or investing in our children’s education, or in our future.

But perhaps the greatest investment we can make is our investment in our relationships.

Today on my blog and podcast, we’ll explore why relationships are such an integral part of healthy living. Plus, I’ll give you four questions to help you think about the relationships you want to invest in.

How Birth Order Impacts Your Life and Your Communication

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Are you on top or bottom of the heap?

Long-term research confirms that our birth order and position within our family of origin have a predictable emotional effect on our lives.

Where do you fall within the members of your family? Were you the oldest, the middle child, or the youngest? Perhaps you were an only child.

Today on my blog and podcast, we’ll take a close look at birth order. Understanding how birth order impacts you will help you better negotiate your current relationships.

Families: Love Them or Hate Them

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Do you remember when you were a kid and couldn’t wait to leave home? You couldn’t wait to do things the way you wanted without somebody telling you what you could or could not do.

But whether we like it or not, we take our families of origin with us. That includes our typical way of communicating. Whether through modeled behavior or words spoken, patterns of communication will be repeated from generation to generation until we recognize and replace them.

Today on my blog and podcast, I’ll show you how working through your past enables you to change dysfunctional patterns learned during childhood.

Those Early Relationships

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

We learn about relationships in our family of origin.

Our view of self, others and the world are shaped there. Family dynamics are very powerful. Patterns of behaviors are repeated from generation to generation.

How we deal with differences within our family of origin can have a major impact on how we relate today.

As we you grow up, you go through predictable, developmental stages with certain tasks associated with them. None of us complete these tasks without some problems.

Continue reading to learn how we discover ourselves through both negative and positive relational experiences.

Of Course I’m Listening: 5 Tips for Better Communication

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Every day I observe the difficulties people have in communicating with one another.

We struggle to listen with the purpose of understanding.

We jump to conclusions instead of getting the whole picture.

We often don’t consider what may be happening in the other person’s life that might make it difficult for them to ask for what they want or need or share what they are experiencing.

We all struggle to understand where the other person is coming from and to share our own needs and wants.

Good relationships require honest listening. Today on my podcast and blog, I’ll show you 5 ways to improve your listening skills.

The Art of Relaxed Conversation

Posted by Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

Have you ever sat down with an elderly parent and tried to have a conversation?

It can be difficult to find common things to talk about, because both of you are in a different world space. Most often what is needed is the art of listening. But it also requires knowing how to start a conversation.  

Today on my blog and podcast, we’ll discuss the art of relaxed conversation.