Like you, I have made many goals. Some were completed but many others were not.
As I think about the goals I want to make for this upcoming year, I am challenged to ask, what made the difference between success and failure with past goals? Why did I abandon some but not others?
In reflection, I think one of the most important reasons was because I hadn’t been specific enough in defining my goal. To be specific you need to know what you want, why you want it and must be willing to work to achieve it.
So much of what we do is due to a moment’s desire: if I had such and such or could do such and such I would be happy.
Why should we bother with goals if we so seldom complete or accomplish them?
Every January we start a new year – a new beginning – making goals we think we will keep but seldom do. I am no exception. As I thought about what I want to accomplish by the end of 2019, I reflected on past times when I had succeeded with my goals. What did I…
Love: It seems we use it so casually, almost superficially – sometimes even flippantly. We often demean or reduce it to levels of lustful desire.
God: we exploit Him for our own purposes –throw Him in the trash can when we are no longer interested – group Him together with all the superficial little gods we create to make us feel good.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son to die for us.”
In this simple statement, God and love come together in a comprehensive understanding. We are told exactly what kind of love God is offering us: one that is solemn and significant enough that it will die for us. People are being killed today in the name of some god. But would a god of hate die for us? I don’t think so.
Yesterday I attended a memorial for a friend of mine whose son had died. Family is so precious and we want to always remember them.
So, I decided to re-post a blog I did in remembrance of my son who died the day after Thanksgiving in 2009.
We continue to remember his bright smile, his humorous quips, and his incredible drawing and art. And we can’t help but smile and laugh as we think about him.
You are never forgotten, Don. From me, your sister and your brother, we post again some of your incredible art, pictures of you growing up and the recording of the song written for and about you by your friend, David Abramson.
I have so much to be thankful for this year and every year. How often we focus on the not so good instead of all the good things in our lives? We don’t need to wait for Thanksgiving to be thankful and grateful. Finding those kernels of blessings and gratitude are essential every day in helping us survive the fast pace, disappointments and huge learning curves.
My last several posts have focused on anger – what it reveals about us – its good qualities and its potentially destructive impact on families and relationships when it is out of control.
Years ago, I created a handout on anger that was part of a class I was helping develop and write. The following is an edited version of that handout that helps summarize in a small way this complicated and complex emotion.
If you have known someone or lived with someone who has an anger problem, you might think there’s nothing good or redeeming about feeling angry.
Yet anger is a normal, natural emotion and has a purpose – it is part of our survival system.
Anger and aggressive behavior are not always synonymous. You can feel angry without becoming aggressive.
We often have mixed feelings about this potentially explosive emotion. If we think anger is bad, we won’t know what to do when we feel angry. If we think being angry automatically leads to uncontrollable behavior, we might want to deny it or carefully hide it behind acceptable cultural masks. But it doesn’t just go away. The thoughts associated with It need to be acknowledged and dealt with.
Anger has enormous energy. That energy can be a motivational force or a destructive one. When managed and expressed appropriately it helps us make important changes. When allowed to run wild, it can ruin lives – yours and others around you.
People with an ongoing, underlying anger problem will find themselves constantly stressed. Everything is an irritation and they feel resentful and taken advantage of. Only the things that are going wrong is noticed; the good things are blocked. As bitterness sets in, enjoyment of life disappears.
And yet anger is just an emotion. It gives us information like all emotions. It is neither good nor bad on its own. Anger lets us know when we have been threatened in some way. It helps us survive, build appropriate boundaries and put in place preventive measures.
Anger can become a habit
If you find yourself constantly on the defensive, easily annoyed and quick to anger, you may want to ask yourself if there is a larger problem. Are anger and dissatisfaction your first and typical response to everyday problems? What makes you angry? When we understand our emotional responses, we are able to reframe and choose more constructive alternative ones.
It’s what we do with our anger that becomes the problem, not the anger itself. It isn’t about self-control, but rather about developing a more thoughtful and problem-solving mindset. What outcomes do I want? Will anger accomplish that or solve my problems?
Anger, like all our emotions, has a purpose. It helps us survive and motivates us to take action and make important changes. It protects us when life threatens us psychologically or physically.
Left unchecked, however, it becomes toxic and explosive. When we react without restraint to its powerful surge of energy, we not only inflict pain on others but ourselves. It is up to each of us to examine the reasons associated with our anger, discover the underlying issues that perpetuate it on an ongoing basis and set up a plan to become responsible for our behaviors when angry.
Over my career as a teacher and therapist, I have acquired and read many books written by psychology professionals who have taken major issues, clarified their underlying causes and provided strategies for constructive and positive solutions. I share three books that I feel touched on the core of anger, why we get caught up in its passion often to the detriment of its outcome.
Adversity a blessing? You got to be kidding! Who would even consider such a thing? Who wants difficulties? And how can misfortunes or hard times ever be considered a blessing?
And yet, when I am honest with myself, it is precisely in those times of difficulties and adversity where I have grown, learned I could do more than I thought I could, and developed emotional, mental and spiritual muscles.
It is where I learned to face my vulnerabilities head-on, where I chose to take charge of my life, not backed away or sidestepped or became a victim.
Adversity challenges us.
Am I willing to step out of my comfort zone and take some risks? Am I ready to acknowledge my limitations and celebrate my strengths? Am I ready to put in the effort and hard work to become capable and confident?
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