Research continues to give us information about the impact of grief and loss and the process that helps us heal. In the process we have identified myths related to the grieving process. Here are some misconceptions we hold about grief.
We “get over” it
This is a phrase we often use when talking about loss. We see the pain of sorrow on the faces of friends and family we love and want to re-assure them that they won’t be in pain forever. Yet, we don’t “get over” the loss of a loved one – we integrate that loss into the fabric of our lives. They will always be part of who we are. As we heal, the grief we feel no longer takes center stage and we are able to create a new reality. Grieving allows us to let go, heal, integrate and replace.
Grieving has a time limit
Putting grief within a time period is both unrealistic and sets up additional pressures of expectation. People are given a couple days to mourn before returning to work. In the process, grief may be pushed away or stuffed as we try to ignore the pain and quickly resume life. But when grief goes underground, it will surface at some future date and demand we deal with it.
Grieving is a necessary journey that enables us to reconcile what has happened. The time limit to complete that reconciliation will be different for each of us. Even when the initial intense feelings of sadness have been replaced with the desire to live again, there will be components of our loss that will always be with us. If we minimize or ignore this healing journey, we might miss some valuable discoveries about ourselves and our memories will not have a healing quality to them.
We all grieve the same way
We are different personalities with different life experiences. We grieve within that context. For some, sharing feelings may be difficult and they might find it easier to express their grief working on projects, art or journaling. It is important to honor your way and follow through.
Tears and sadness is feeling sorry for yourself
Grieving is not the same as feeling sorry for yourself. When we feel sorry for ourselves, we want to nurse our hurt and get sympathy. When we are grieving, we want to share our pain so we can heal. We don’t want to stay where we are. We do want to normalize life again. When the pain is intense and deep, it takes time to go through the layers of loss.
There are predictable and progressive stages to grieving
It was once thought that we go through the predictable stages of Elizabeth K. Ross’s stages of death and dying when grieving. While we may experience some of those elements, there is no predictable pattern or stages in which we grieve; my personal experience with grief resembled William Bridge’s transitional model. The first phase was recovering from the intense feelings of sorrow and pain and making the necessary changes to finances and living conditions. But then, as I picked up the pieces of my life, I needed to spend some time in that “neutral zone” to probe and answer the question of who I was today. What do I leave behind and what do I bring forward. I made new discoveries about myself and reaffirmed other aspects of my life. The process helped me let go of what was as I explored and tried on new realities. The discoveries during that time period helped make a more positive transition.
Losses are about endings. All losses require a transition – from here to there. If we hurry from ending to new beginning, we will find it difficult to put to rest the emotional turmoil, heal the wounds and grieve the many layers associated with losses.
It is better to be alone while we grieve
We need other people. We wouldn’t think about going through recovery of major surgery without the assistance and support of others. We forget that a major loss is an incredible injury. When we withdraw, we risk becoming isolated, lonely and depressed; we retreat into our world of pain rather than working out the healing. It takes courage to grieve; and while being alone may help us feel less vulnerable to others; it carries a huge price tag emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.
©2012 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC