At a recent funeral I attended, upbeat music was played, favorite songs of the deceased sung and prepared comments read by family members left us laughing and smiling through our tears. I remembered the two memorial services held for my husband where for over an hour people spontaneously shared all the wonderful and humorous stories about him as we laughed and cried together. And that same celebration of life helped all of us mourn the untimely death of my son.
Funerals used to be somber and staid and we left feeling down and depressed. Perhaps we have learned it is better to celebrate a person’s life rather than simply mourn their demise.
When Grieving Begins
As many of us know, it is after the people have left, after friends and family resumes their lives that we truly begin to grieve. For it is then, on a day to day basis, when we are faced with putting the pieces together, coming to grips with our loss and its impact on our life. It is then the numbness wears off and we feel the depth of our sorrow. Some of us plunge into life as usual, hoping to quickly run away from pain – others retreat as energy is consumed in sorrow.
The emotions triggered by grief can go from the highs of celebration and remembrance down to the fathomless depths of despair. It takes time for “time” to do its thing – gradually shifting our focus from what was to what is now. When we are an active participant in that grieving process, our healing can be more complete.
Our Roller Coaster of Emotions
The roller coaster emotions of grief can be triggered so quickly it literally takes our breath away. People have told me that long after a death, a smell, a sound, a word, an image can suddenly thrust them back into the earliest feelings of loss reminding them again of what they had and have no more.
I remember going to the airport to pick up my daughter and her family a year after the death of husband. As I waited for them to arrive, an image of my husband walking down the corridor towards me flashed across my mind with such force, I could hardly breathe. As tears stung my eyes, I had to stand very still in order to survive the moment, allowing it to gradually recede.
Losses Create a Whole Range of Emotions
We might experience increased levels of anxiety and fear as we contemplate financial concerns or the shift of responsibility such as raising children as a single parent. With the death of a spouse after years of marriage, our social structure changes as well. We can be happy one minute and sad the next. I remember having dinner with friends and life felt normal and happy; only to return to an empty house and feel that aloneness.
Losses have many layers to them
Even while maintaining relationships of long term friends, we find the dynamics has changed and we are acutely aware we are no longer a couple and another layer of loss becomes evident. The new reality of being single brings with it demands for creating new social circles.
Sometimes we get stuck in some aspects of loss that keep us caught in emotional turmoil that makes healing difficult. Two of these emotions are anger and guilt. We will explore some of these emotions in the upcoming weeks.
©2012 Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC