A lot of our conflicts are fueled by early childhood experiences, those internalized and unresolved memories that trigger anger and resentment and drastically influence the relationships we have as adults.
Before you can negotiate conflicts, you need to first understand what you bring to them.
- What triggers a conflict for you?
- What are you feeling and experiencing?
That requires honesty without making excuses. It is so easy to see ourselves as a victim and play the blame game. However, when you give up your responsibility, you also give up your personal power.
When we have suffered injustices, especially in our personal relationships, it is hard to let go and forgive. We struggle with our desire to get retribution or justice versus letting go. Retribution or payback seems so necessary.
Therapists often hear about egregious events that people have endured. Some started early in their childhood. Unprocessed, they keep injecting themselves into our lives and color our attempts at happiness.
In this article, I share one more story from a therapy session that might help you understand the cost of hanging onto resentment.
When you learn the basics of problem-solving it will be a skill that you use automatically.
In last week’s post, I outlined five basic components of problem solving; questions you need to ask to find the solution you want. Today you will set the criteria to resolve your problem and learn how to identify exactly what the main problem is.
Identify the problem – define the conflict
Whether the question is how to advance beyond basic survival, how to prepare for your financial future, or how to better communicate with your spouse, it is crucial that the problem be correctly defined.
Unless the problem is correctly defined, you will be trying to rid yourself of emotional distress rather than resolving the actual problem.