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What Do I do With My Anger while Grieving

Grieving is an emotional journey. Within the emotions of our losses, we discover how important people in our lives are to us. And when we have lost them, we react emotionally.

Some emotions by their very nature may be more difficult to deal with than others. Anger is one of those emotions that may keep us from being rational when caught in its grip. When the world seems unfair and unjust, we respond with anger. That anger, if channeled appropriately, can be the energy and momentum needed to put in place necessary and important reforms.

Most of us struggle with anger. Parents, in teaching their children to act appropriately when angry, may leave the impression that anger itself is not okay. Christian communities also may give the impression that to feel anger is wrong. But if you are feeling angry, what do you do with it? And if it is not okay to feel angry, and you do, now you feel guilty as well.

Like all our emotions, anger has a purpose. It helps us survive.

In grief and loss, anger is one of the emotions people may experience. Why would we feel angry? While we accept death as a normal part of aging, when death comes to someone still in their prime, young or just beginning life, the injustice and unfairness of it all can be overwhelming and we are left with anger and questions.

“Things like that shouldn’t happen.”

Senselessness violates our belief system of expectations and we have difficulty coming to grips with what has happened. Although it is normal to feel anger in our losses, it doesn’t give us permission to do whatever we want just because we feel angry.

If fate has singled you out as a victim of war, or someone’s stupidity or carelessness has caused an unnecessary and senseless death, or you are struck with a crippling disease or chronic illness, anger may be one of the emotions you experience. Why did this have to happen? What good can possibly come from this senselessness? Sometimes we direct the anger to ourselves.

Attached to all our responsive emotions are thoughts and beliefs that create questions. These are legitimate questions that need to be voiced. Otherwise, we bottle up the emotions attached and they can grow in proportion and become toxic.

Life is not only unfair: it is often cruel and heartless as well

We struggle as human beings with injustice and making sense of what is happening to us. When something just seems wrong or doesn’t make any sense, it is difficult to reconcile with what has happened. A counselor, pastor or even a trusted friend can help you articulate and work through these questions and feeling.

Thursday’s blog will address ways to work through anger.

Marlene Anderson, MA, LMHC, NCC

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